|Reviews for Kingdom of All|
| ElvenValar chapter 1 . 2/17/2019
| ignicaeli chapter 1 . 2/19/2016
Greetings from the Roadhouse!
Kingdom of All, by Yurii, Chapter 1, Young Adult/Drama/Angst
The start of this chapter is simple, or at least should be, if not marred by the awkward sentence structure used. It 'feels' like a japanese, or maybe chinese, sentence structure was forced into english form.
The fact that the very first line starts with "In the year of XXX...", even if the story summary states that it happens around the year 4962, leaves the reader with the impression that the author didn't give even a cursory look at the finished chapter in order to polish the product.
Choppy, blocky, slow paced, awkward and ultimately distracting. There are way too many small sentences in quick succession that can be brought together to even out the flow of the text.
An example is needed here, and I'll even keep your chengyu:
"His skin was creamy peach tone to it. His smile was the soft despite it being so small. He'd a scar over his face from his right side. That didn't stop him being so beautiful. He was truly beautiful. He made the sun and stars,even the moon to put in shame and hide from the behind into the clouds."
"His skin had a creamy peach tone to it, and his smile was small and soft. A scar marred the right side of his otherwise perfectly handsome face. When approached by him, the sun, stars or even the moon were put in shame, hiding behind the clouds."
The dialogues themselves have no demerit, setting a "epic" or "historical" traditional Chinese drama feel to the chapter. A Xianxia or Wuxia vibe...
They still carry the same problems that were described at the "writing" section above though. Granted, you can (and sometimes, need to) be a little less orthodox when writing dialogues.
"Fine? If you want the middle path, go right ahead. Does anyone wants to pick a path for themselves? I'm curious now? Are we children around here now. "
"Fine! If you want the middle path, go right ahead. Does anyone else want to pick a path? I'm curious... Are we all children around here now?"
When looking at the chapter as a whole, it isn't a bad start for a tale. Characters were presented correctly and the setting was reasonably fleshed out.
Giving extra polish to the material, it will stand out brightly.
Bringing the focus of the story back to a character reacting to what happened in the chapter, and plotting his next move, is a classic cliffhanger, and one that still works well.
6.) Plot / Grammar Nazi moment:
The grammar and sentence structuring of the entire chapter need a complete overhaul, there is no way to put all the awkward sentences and possible solutions in a single review.
Getting the very first sentences just to illustrate the problems:
"In the year of XXX, the kingdom of Hianov. The Emperor Zao announced that he'd passed on to the other side on the first day of Autumn."
It looks awfully weird, needing at least two reads to grasp that:
"At the year XXX, Hianov Kingdom's emperor Zao announced that he'd pass on to the other side by the first day of autumn."
And don't even let me start rambling about how a 'kingdom' have an 'emperor'... Either change it to Hianov Empire or call the guy King Zao already...
"At the year XXX, Hianov's King Zao announced that he'd pass on to the other side by the first day of autumn." or;
"At the year XXX, Hianov's Emperor Zao announced that he'd pass on to the other side by the first day of autumn."
Just by placing the title of the ruler in the sentence lets the reader know that we are talking about either a kingdom or empire.
| SForces chapter 1 . 2/17/2016
The story is quite interesting and just from chapter one you have enough here to keep someone reading. I did notice that this chapter does need to be read over a couple more times as there are some grammatical and spelling errors spread throughout.
The best way to sum all of it up shortly is to pretend you are narrating this story to someone sitting across from you. Every time you reach a "." you have to stop for a moment and take a breathe. What you would realize is that due to many short sentences the story reads very choppy.
Many of your sentences could be combined from 2 or 3 choppy sentences to 1 graceful sentence. This would make it easier to read as well as immerse the reader into the world. The goal with the first few chapters is to get the reader so immersed that they don't want to find a different story to read.
Your sentence: The Tora Weii and Han, Wuu Clan are in war with the newly emperor. Over 30,000 men at their hands.
My Sentence: The Tora Weii and Han, Wuu Clan are at war with the newly crowned emperor with over 30,000 highly trained soldiers at their disposal.
Not only does that smooth the sentence out very nicely, but it gives subtle background information about the Wuu Clan right from the get go.
Your Sentence: His hair was long it was navy blue-black hair that reach to his back. Gracefully that looked so smooth.
My Sentence: His smooth, navy blue hair fell gracefully down his lower back.
This just cleans up the sentences and gives a more smooth read that helps immerse the reader into your story. Another way to look at it is to imagine that each period is a hurdle the reader has to jump over. Too many hurdle's and the reader will begin to stumble over his own feet while reading your story.
Definitely see quite a bit of potential with this story. Keep up the hard work!
| NikkiHacker chapter 1 . 12/13/2015
Your story is so interesting. If you need a beta, I'm all yours.