|Reviews for Sandstorm|
| ladytemily chapter 1 . 4/6/2016
Very powerful prose! I love the imagery you picked, such as the sun being a merciless sentinel and his tongue getting as shriveled as a dry sponge. Just a few choice words can really pack a punch, as you demonstrated! The syntax also complemented the tone of the story - the first sentences elongated and stretched, like an echo of the desert they were describing. And although I should have known better, I temporarily bought into his delusions, just because your descriptions were so rich and vivid.
This was a short piece that relied completely on the author's writing ability to evoke imagery and feeling, and you handled it with aplomb!
Some minor things:
"There was once a young man who became seperated from his caravan during a sandstorm." Should be spelled "separated."
"only the undulating and knife crested landscape of dunes" Should be "knife-crested."
| TheBeastlyPrincess chapter 1 . 3/25/2016
Wow that was very dramatic. I like your style of writing a lot, because it is very poetic and flowery but not over the top. You pull it off quite well with things like "rubbery legs" and "blue ribbon of sky"
It's hard to criticize such a short piece, but I can say that I was confused as to why you were telling the story until the very last few sentences. It became clear after that and I saw this piece as a poem of sorts.
I really like how you set this line "..as the desert claimed another victim." It really adds emphasis to what's happening and makes it much more sudden and dramatic.
Over all I really liked the imaginary and your use of adjectives to create a clear and bold image, I could almost feel his despair and sorrow as the sun burns him. Well done and good luck with future pieces!
| Victoria Best chapter 1 . 1/8/2016
Wow, what a visual piece! Your quality of writing is astonishing, actually. This was so magical. It reminded me of reading Stephen King's The Dark Tower - the same sort of powerful, vivid, almost ethereal descriptions, that also bring with them a chilling element. This was wonderful and I am actually going to favourite this. I can only wish that one day I will master your ability to describe!
Some of my fabourite lines were, "Undulating and knife crested landscape of dunes," and the description of the dancers and the city of tents. Beautiful imagery. The writing felt very surreal, fitting in with the fact that this whole experience is just happening in his head. You have done a great job with blending together dream and reality, with only the ending revealing to us the truth.
Like I said, some of the imagery was chilling, particularly when he finds himself kissing a skull, and then when he drinks, "Swallowing mouthful after mouthful of sand." Very creepy, yet also very vivid and original.
I have a couple of comments, nothing major. I think your opening line is too long. With no commas or breaks, it is quite a mouthful of a sentence, especially as it is the very first sentence that we read. It also felt somewhat clumsy - it reminded me of that rhyme "there was an old woman who swallowed a fly." It does plod along like the start to a nursery rhyme (for me, anyway). It might be worth considering breaking it down or putting in some punctuation.
Also, this is totally a personal preference so feel free to ignore me, but I feel like the ending would have been better if it had been left ambiguous what happened to him. By just telling us that "the sandstorm claimed another victim," that sort of takes away the fun of us guessing for ourselves what happened to him and leaves the story very closed rather than open-ended. We can already tell that he is certainly going to die, and so leaving it with him just in the process of dying would be, perhaps, even more chilling.
These are just my personal opinions so feel free to ignore.
Thanks for this awesome read and, like I said, it's going on my favourites. Keep writing!
| Cheddar-Graham chapter 1 . 1/1/2016
I like the compactness of the piece. It’s short and sweet, but still had some powerful images. Immediately, an old black and white movie came to mind somehow – maybe because if this were a modern piece he’d be hallucinating about a Starbucks with great wifi? On the CC side, I’m not sure how feasible it is for a person to swallow sand, especially a thirsty person. Maybe death by choking would make more sense in terms of logic?
| zanybellecloudo chapter 1 . 12/12/2015
A well told story of being lost in dangerous terrains and the deadly beauty of a mirage. A sad ending but scarily believable. Great work. Thanks for sharing!