|Reviews for Yellow|
| Scott Pilgrim chapter 1 . 1/8/2016
Okay. So, I just have to say this was a maximum entertainment ride from the very get go. I absolutely loved the opener. It always makes me laugh when a character or writer uses "there I was, minding my own business." It always makes me think up of a person sitting all laid back in a chair or something and then immediatly popping onto their feet, wiggling a finger under the reader's/other character's chin. That little sets up for like a defensive character with his body but who is offensive with his words.
I feel like this smashed gal, Karma, could right a book. "The 5 Stages of Dying Drunk!" Stage One: Denial Stage Two: Bargaining Stage Three: Embarrassment. I'll just let you come up with the others... It's quite funny. Karma, just what I'm gonna call her for now, is already turning out to be quite the trouble making character, and I can only feel sympathy for the dude. An inkling is forming in my head of her just following this guy around, causing him al sorts of trouble.
Anyway, I found no grammatical/spelling errors here, so... *double thumbs up* :3 Haha
Stay frosty, much love
| Guest chapter 2 . 1/8/2016
I've been trying desperately to return your review. I've only gotten through the prologue and first chapter of this story so far.
You're an excellent writer and I didn't notice anything that I would change. Coincidently, I'm going to see the new Star Wars movie today with my brother and his fiancé... I've been waiting until I came home (I'm in the military so I live far from home) so I can see it with family.
I'm slowly reading your story, but I'm very easily distracted... I really like the characters. Are you in Europe? I've noticed some different spellings of words than how I would spell them
| sophie-stead chapter 2 . 1/8/2016
Brilliant first chapter. The opening was absolutely sumptuous. Again I applaud your descriptive skills! The sudden change of tone here was very welcome however. It's wonderful as a reader to really feel Kasey's consciousness as she dips and dives between heavy romanticisms and internal outbursts of giggles! As I said before, it she feels incredibly 'real' because of that, which makes me thoroughly connect to her character, and genuinely care about her journey through this story.
This free-runner (I'm assuming) seems absolutely incredibly, and again, your descriptions of his movements were so fluid and beautiful. The shock and awe was balanced perfectly. I can't wait to see more from him! ;)
Only one little thing - "I casted my mind back" - should just be "cast".
Congratulations on another fantastic chapter, I really enjoyed it and think you're fantastic at what you do.
| Timbo Slice chapter 1 . 1/7/2016
This was a fun little prologue, mainly due to the interaction between the two main characters. You did a great job of infusing their descriptions into the actual writing instead of just dropping random physical descriptions in the story, which is what a lot of writers on here tend to do. The wording you use is also unique and cusp enough to get a clear picture in my head while still getting your point across. I liked the personality of the main character, she's very spunky and conversational in the way the story is delivered, though that may be the alcohol in her! The allusions and references to pop culture are fun as well because they help to ground the story in reality while giving us a sense of her humor. Good start to this so far!
| sophie-stead chapter 1 . 1/7/2016
Firstly, I thought this was a fantastic opening! I really should congratulate you on the quick and incredibly effective creation and maintenance of your characters voice. There's an honesty and a confidence, mingled with those mundane and ephemeral concerns that most young girls seems to drown themselves in, that makes her wholeheartedly relatable. Subsequently she's incredibly likeable. I also love your interjections of humour - I find it lightens the load of what could potentially be a lot of fluffy stuff. Wonderful work!
The only nitpicky thing I noticed was this line: "It was what iron would look like if it were a diamond." Whilst I understand your meaning here maybe think about rephrasing this, as it seemed a little jarring? Something like "They were iron grey, but glittered like diamonds." Or something to that effect. That is however me being incredibly, incredibly nitpicky.
Over all I loved this - to my own surprise! And I'll be reading further in due course.
| LorrahBear chapter 2 . 1/7/2016
This was a really strong chapter, and I appreciate all the windows you opened up so I could see and understand your character better. She is believable and likable, yet wonderfully imperfect. Very well done.
My only real suggestion comes in the form of a timeline check - earlier in this chapter, they talk about periods and how she ate all her chocolate two weeks ago, but the after the university chat, it is said that Haley has only been home for a couple days.
Really though, I enjoyed this. Very well done!
| lunarchroniclesandcockatiels chapter 1 . 1/7/2016
Wow this is really good!
| SyzygySoldier chapter 3 . 1/7/2016
Effective opening. It drew me into the story straight away. I like the amount of references to western culture and the modernised world you've mentioned in your chapters so far. To be honest, I usually do not see anything like this done, but it is an unique approach to affirm the modern timeframe. These references also allow you to make comparisons and have aided in your descriptions. The paragraph where you used the word "Spider-man" to describe the runner, for example, immediately left an image as to how his posture is to appear, simply because the figure is heavily prevalent in western culture and readers can easily relate to his appearance. This is just as effective—if not better—than using actual descriptive words and imagery to describe him at that moment. I wouldn't worry overly about whether this style of writing is appropriate. It is different, but it has worked like a charm so far.
Relating to the A/N, the level of progression is fine in my opinion. You weren't hesitant to use a large portion of this chapter to focus on the man in the mall. The fact that you included security guards trying to catch him is clever, it created tension in the situation, allowing us to read on, wanting to know what happened in the end. Although I doubt that just including the man showing his skills to the crowd without the guards trying to catch him would be too much lesser in terms of quality, details and considerations like that can really enhance your writing and our reading experience.
A minor issue with your punctuation in this sentence: "Yup, she had a plate full of broccoli - she used to eat more greens than caterpillars do." To my understanding, the hyphen should be an em dash instead, this character: "—". Hyphens are used for the creation of compound terms. An em dash is used in place of a comma, parenthesis or a colon. Other than that the quality was excellent. I could not pick up on anything else you did wrong.
A chapter with admirable quality and style, well presented. Remember to have confidence in your ideas you believe would work best and keep it up.
| Nommie chapter 3 . 1/6/2016
My second review of all time! Also doing this because I want to and not just for roadhouse. :D
And since I've read through a couple chapters so far, I'll just be smushing all my reviews into one post.
(please excuse my randomness and noobness)
First off, in the beginning of the prologue I could totally relate to everything. I've been in multiple car accidents whilst on way walking somewhere (on the sidewalk might I add)
I really like how the story makes a whole bunch references that just about anyone could relate to. Super modern~ and the comedy element is overwhelmingly amusing - I love it!
'Yup, death seemed like Disneyland compared to this. - Hilarious lol
And the last bit at the end about BBC's Sherlock got me laughing a lot. Not even sure why.
Overall a great first chapter that feels like the opening to a fabulous sit-com.
First chapter: Sadly I couldn't relate to anything whatsoever, but it was a very good read as was the first chapter! I'm really lovin' the MC's interaction towards her friend and everything that happens around - or to her. If I watched tv (anymore) I'd want to see this character on screen! Your style of writing makes this story that much more enoyable~
'Yeah, well, you like all the mental ones, don't you?" - Favorite line!
I feel so jealous, why can't I be this funny in my writing?
Looking forward to the next chapter! :D
2nd chapter: BEST OPENING - OMG lol
'prove to the world the existence of werewolves' - I died.
With how you tell the story I can perfectly imagine everything in my head as if it were actually taking place in front of my face. Can this be a tv show now? please? lol
The pace you're going is spot on, not too fast and not too slow.
Glad to see a bit more development concerning the 'werewolf' man, makes me more and more curious about him! Such brilliant writing too, I'm absolutely amazed~
| SyzygySoldier chapter 2 . 1/6/2016
First of all, I like the transition from the prologue to this chapter. "The first time I saw him..." is a direct link back to the end of the prologue, and allows us to follow the story with greater ease. The descriptions of the park in the first two paragraphs are certainly of importance. You achieved two goals through this—expressing the character's behaviours and the showing us the environment around her residence.
Pleasing work in the introduction of the man's origins. Glad to see you continue to develop these characters' features. As for your comment about softening the main character, I'm really not sure that is needed. Your female character may be spiky, but this is different than conventional behaviour and these quirks can be further expanded upon. I don't see a problem in how you've shown your characters so far. Remember that imperfection in a character can often be used to your advantage and development.
You also introduced the complication of the friends Kasey and Halley being separated due to their work and studies. Since this is a flashback, it would be interesting seeing what effects this has had on their relationship in later chapters as we approach the modern time.
| letsdotheraindance chapter 2 . 1/6/2016
I really like your first sentence here. Since there was already a prologue, I think it was smart to start by mentioning outright that the chapter would be about the first meeting of the female and male characters. This already gets the readers hooked.
In the next paragraphs, you were able to patiently paint a picture of the setting. I like the contrast between the peaceful park at the edge of the town, and the sudden arrival of this suicidal parkour guy.
However, despite the exciting entrance of the male character, I think it was Halley who eventually stole the scene in this chapter. Although Kasey and Halley initially sounded like totally different people, I can see how the two of them can be close friends given Halley's banana conspiracy and pregnancy scare. Kasey and Halley's relationship felt real, and I think that the little background story about how they were neighbors made their friendship even more genuine and relatable.
I have no issues with Kasey being too spiky. We've already seen her drunk in the prologue, and in the act of drinking in this chapter, but I think a bit of social drinking is totally fine. She did seem a bit too sensitive to Halley's barbs (the jibes against being virgin and autistic) despite being best friends with her since she was little, but she was able to respond to those insults quite gracefully. If you want to show a softer side of her, then maybe you could show a bit more about her relationship with her younger siblings (e.g. how she takes care of them) or even Cameron (e.g. how she actually interacted with him when they were still in school).
My favorite part of this chapter was when Kasey compared life to a goldfish bowl, and how she felt that hers was already full. I found it surprisingly but refreshingly introspective considering the light-hearted feel of the story. So far, I'm really enjoying this! :)
| SyzygySoldier chapter 1 . 1/6/2016
Excellent introduction of the two characters in terms of a prologue. I was a little surprised at how much their characteristics contrasted, but this isn't necessarily a bad thing. The contrast of their physical appearance expresses that the female thinks that she is lacking in terms of quality as compared to him, so I understand why you may have created this contrast—to further draw out their characteristics and give us a deeper impression. In creating a level of imperfection in their features, you've left yourself plenty of room to further develop the two characters, so I look forward to what you have in store for them next.
The ending raises many questions and did draw me into reading more the story. Why was she filming him? Does it have to do with a liking of freerunning or just attracted by appearance? Is this fact really enough by itself for him to abandon her when she's injured? In any case, it's safe to say the prologue has served its purpose. Well done.
| Tw1nkl3t03s chapter 1 . 1/5/2016
Oh my gosh I love this! Your prologue is amazing. I was glued to the computer screen reading it. I love your descriptive words and how well you describe her pain. I laughed so hard with death seemed like Disneyland compared to this. You are a phenomenal write and I can't wait to read the rest of your story.
| Electrumwriter chapter 4 . 1/5/2016
Opening: Good to see Kasey awake and bubbling with eccentric thoughts. I completely agree with her, how weird it would be to have taken part in a threesome and not remember anything! It’s really cute how she would be all formal in asking them to desist
I suppose the obesity restaurant in question is MacDonalds…? It’s just as well Kasey doesn’t know about the early incarnation of their mascot. I myself fixated on him at one time. She’s right, one should limit the junk food intakes of little ones.
It is inconsiderate of her friends to make love at that time in such close proximity to Kasey’s bed. I would have to make it clear to them that if they were going to do that, it would be a condition that I would have to be allowed to join in and dress them up for the occasion beforehand. That would make them allow me my personal space. Kasey’s just too mild mannered.
As for the imagery used – that coping mechanism of the daily whirlwind is an effective one. Not least because it doesn’t really make her heartache go away, but compartmentalises it. How sad that she must carry a torch for Jonah that she can never admit. Part of being a good girl is knowing how to compartmentalise and endure heartache for the sake of others. Obviously if you’re screaming inside, you can’t put on a cheerful face so effectively, so it is necessary to compartmentalise.
Characters: Well to fix the introduction of the new undergrads I would recommend dropping their names into previous chapters. Perhaps in instances where Kasey is talking with Halley in earlier chapters.
Hmm… is Sarah indeed the biological mum of the younger kids? I do wonder. I mean, it is obviously Kasey who acts as the mum on a regular basis and Sarah’s moodiness aside, they both do full time jobs so both have that demand on their time and energy. I like Kasey’s pedantry as always. I wonder how she’ll react to other terms of endearment.
Gorgeous description of Saffron. I love coffee…
At first Zack shone in this chapter with his funny turn about Bradford. It’s more amusing still when we learn that Bradford actually had no desire to socialise with Zack and it’s difficult to fathom why any reasonable person would want Bradford around. That punchline was well worth the build up :)
It’s a good character moment, when Saffron and Kasey discuss Christmas, because they are being themselves and bouncing off one another while doing it. And when Zack’s *attempting* to flirt with Saffron, Kasey is like the responsible big sister of this group as well. One can be quirky and responsible too.
Zack’s comedy over the subject of Bradford is well positioned. I like how it is levity that comes right before Kasey’s emotional pain. I particularly like the image of inwardly pointing blades in her throat. Of course it is painful to be humiliated by those who have a duty to shield one from humiliation. You do a good job of showing us her hurt without resorting to infodumping. And most of all I liked how you had built up her crush on Jonah to make it all the more biting that he had been there at the time. The raw, powerful emotion in it is the best part of the chapter.
And this section continues to shine… I completely agree, it should hurt more that Halley betrayed her confidence. I mean, it’s clear she has a crush on Halley as well as Jonah. Congratulations for building this up between the three of them. Doubly effective. So well written.
Focus of Casey’s obsession: He actually seemed to care about Kasey a little in the first instance. It’s too bad I suppose that his view of her will turn sour over the subject of her videos and stalking. I see we will learn the motivation for his recklessness in the end even if it is a mystery at the moment… Ohhh gosh. I’m fully with Kasey. It would be horrendous watching him diving into the road like that. Even though she is shocked, we once again see the seeds of obsession are planted in her… I don’t judge, after all, I once fixated on Ronald MacDonald.
| letsdotheraindance chapter 1 . 1/5/2016
Wow, this is a great start!
Both of the main characters seem fairly interesting and promising. I liked how you were able to establish the initial relationship between them through the minor accident and the consequent short but witty banter. Also, I loved how silly and even ditzy the female narrator is. Is she naturally high-spirited or is it just the result of her drunkenness? Either way, her bubbly character along with her jumbled thought process and funny dialogue gave life to this piece. Not much is revealed with regards to the male character yet, so I'm a bit excited to see more of him in the next chapters.
On a side note, your references-however brief they were-to Star Wars, Sherlock and Cara have sent my inner-fan-girl-self in good spirits.
Thank you for this enjoyable prologue!