|Reviews for Yellow|
| Barbados chapter 6 . 2/20/2016
Well hi there!
So, I am really confused about Sarah. Or the timeline? Or both? In the previous chapter, she was clearly quite broken. I find it hard to believe she would be up and moving around too soon, so quite a bit of time must have passed. Only as I read through, it doesn't feel like it. I see the reference to a week ago, and not sure if that's to reference an event in the narrative so far, or is just a passing remark. Also, I feel like she should be attending to that wrist, as the description leads me to believe it is not only painful but possibly infected, but she seems to not even care anymore?
I think you could have made the "something of a lie" bit way more impactful by just saying, "another lie." I am looking forward to the point in the story where Kasey goes, "no more lies." But that could be way off base from where things are going.
That blow to the head bit didn't seem metaphorical enough. I really thought something was hitting her in the head.
Whoa - lots of addressing the reader directly here suddenly. Times in Chapter 4 (Titled Chapter Three) you addressed the reader with "you": 1, and it was indirect. Times in this Chapter 2 (Titled Chapter One): 11, but only once was really directly to the reader. Times in Prologue: None. Times in this chapter: 6, all directly. Also, the tone where she mentions the prologue doesn't mesh with what's come before, except at the end of the prologue, which I already remarked on of course.
How do crowds translate into money? I feel like maybe different thoughts collided here? Like perhaps she meant going to nightclubs mean spending money, and going to nightclubs also mean crowds, but way its posed makes it seem like crowds mean money.
The spolier alert is strange, since that part already happened. It fits with Kasey's tone and personality, it just ties back to an odd narrative tone as she is acknowledging the story / reader.
Loved the closing scene. It was so perfectly Kasey, and had the tone/feel that endears this story to me. Overall, enjoying this. Keep writing! (I mean, I'm halfway through now!)
| lookingwest chapter 6 . 2/19/2016
Points of confusion: I still am not following the Sarah plot. It seems like maybe the implications with her character is that she's being abused or in an abusive relationship? I actually was confused because the last time I remember hearing about her, her body was at the bottom of a staircase, broken. I assumed she'd been paralyzed or even died - so it was a confusing moment when she popped up again. There was something almost sinister about the conversation between them - I find myself unsure if that's the atmosphere we're supposed to be taking away from it or even what's going on there. Next, right after in another scene, Kase describing being "struck by a blow" and I assumed that literally because of the description/the way it was described - but I think it was figurative? That also confused me. Making that clearer could also be helpful. I was reading it like someone literally smacked her.
The narrative tone of this part where she encounters Werewolf is interesting, because it shifts, in a way. I don't think that before this point (maybe in the prologue though it's been awhile) Kasey talks so directly to the reader. We don't get a lot of lines so direct as "You know the rest" and "that was the end of the prologue, right?" - maybe it could be worth it having her speak more directly to the audience earlier on in her narrative and keep it up as some sort of technique/thing happening with her voice in first person. Just an idea! Right now it feels like it was just used kind of as a gimmick only for this chapter. It could be lengthened to be a trope/part of who Kasey is as well, I think.
Ugh. Not a fan of the fact that the guys? were all betting on which girl would hook up with Jonah INCLUDING Jonah? Like I would expect maybe the other guys - but there's a reference to "Jonah didn't even bet that much" and that's just :/ ugh. Kasey you can do better here. Don't be a with a guy who was betting on which girl he was going to get in the sack. Geesh. DUMP 'EM HALLEY & KASEY! NOW!
Ah! I kinda guessed that Werewolf was the guy that she ended up having to call for the Megan girl :) Confused though - if Megan comes by the office so often and leaves or has to have a parent called or something, wouldn't Kasey have known that she was supposed to call her brother and/or wouldn't she have seen Gabe around the school before this point? Maybe they'd seen one another in that setting but neither made the connection, though. I could see that. Anyway, I liked that we finally get an answer for his name and he's coming into the narrative more! I kind of want him to turn out to be a better guy than most of the guys Kasey hangs out with, lol. Cale seems to be a fan favorite with most readers but he's kind of coming off a bit pretentious to me - and I'm again, not super digging the bet they had going on with all the bros (*ahem* lads). Cale seems like MAYBE (possibility) he could have a thing for Kasey and it's just not coming through to her that well, but then again, maybe not! Intrigued, though :3
Totally looking forward to finding out what will happen with Gabriel and Kasey now. And even perhaps if Megan has some sort of superpower issue too! Great end scene! The only overall constructive critiques I noticed with this chapter were my points of confusion, and then, perhaps some setting could be established/worked on in particular scenes (thinking this end one, but especially the coffee scene). Thanks for the fun read! :D
| annayh44 chapter 10 . 2/18/2016
This was exciting...i wish i can see video too hahaha
| Barbados chapter 5 . 2/18/2016
Really not feeling that opening sentence. For me, it's using liquidly to describe how the night ran. If you used passed instead or ran, or even flowed? Also, I think alcohol is too generic, and would prefer beers, or what kind of alcohol. Pure preference there though, nothing technically wrong with what you did that I'm aware of.
Cale was the highlight for me, and now your story has vampires and werewolves. :)
I read this, and I try to find problems with it because you give me such amazing reviews, and I have a hard time finding any!
I like the ongoing "theme," for lack of a better term, about lies. From Chapter 1 until now, it's come up and is very powerful. This chapter's last line especially. Well done there.
So, Halley's reaction seems like a major over-reaction. Maybe that's her way, but so far we've seen no reason for her to go to the extremes she has gone to. As far as we know, this thing between Kasey and Jonah (where he stays to hang with Case while Halley is waiting in bed) was an isolated incident. So, Halley's actions seemed a bit ridiculous and irrational, and I think they should either be justified or toned down, or very briefly alluded to as normal. And yes, on some level, the chemistry between Kasey and Jonah justifies it - but I'm not sure it does to the extent it went.
The eight lines that make up Kasey finding Sarah are, I think, very well done. It's super jarring. And I understand that on some level it should be - the experience is jarring to Kasey, and as readers it helps us experience something similar. However, I am confused about some things - where were the other kids that they don't know something happened to their "mom"? There's also no mention of her dad - surely he would have arrived at the hospital? I suppose there might be answers as I continue to read, but as they occurred to me now I posed them now.
Twice you indicate that this was no accident. :(
Overall very well done, and I love how you blended fantasy elements into this without making it a fantasy story (vampires, werewolves, "magic", references to fantasy literature.)
| SForces chapter 1 . 2/17/2016
Very good start to your story. A good bit of humor weaved inside and I can see the drunken part of it all. If someone was looking in on that scene they might see the same thing. It went from a crazy part where she got injured to a humorous part.
It makes you wonder why he cares about the video that she filmed of him. Did he get in trouble for this incident and get back lash for it?
| Tw1nkl3t03s chapter 10 . 2/15/2016
I can't say I'm not slightly sad with the fact that he just good at parkour vs something supernatural going on. But at the same time it makes him more amazing with the fact that it is really him a human being doing all that. You have mentioned generation Y a couple times so I wonder how that is going to tie in with everything. Sounds like things are getting rocky with Jonah and Halley. Hopefully Kasey doesn't get stuck in the middle of it. Keep on writing and good luck with your contest.
| Tw1nkl3t03s chapter 9 . 2/15/2016
most definitely not too much dialog. We finally got some answers. I loved the star trek section. That was pure genius. Some of the dialog was a little awkward nut other than that it was amazing as always.
| Tw1nkl3t03s chapter 8 . 2/15/2016
I didn't want her to say no. Now that means I don't know. Very good chapter. I am sorry it was a hard one to write. It was worth it though. Very intense seen in the end.
| Tw1nkl3t03s chapter 7 . 2/15/2016
I wonder why Sarah keeps on having all these random wounds. It's not fair that Kase has to put her life on hold for her dad and his girlfriend. I'm excited Gabriel showed up mysterious again aaahhhhhh! suspense
| Tw1nkl3t03s chapter 6 . 2/15/2016
Cale is growing on me. I want to know his secret
| BunnyChoi chapter 10 . 2/15/2016
Hello Friend! :)
Another great chapter from you! I loved seeing the interaction between Gabriel and Casey. They are a goofy, exciting couple. :)
I'm very interested in reading about what happened to Halley and Jonah. Did they break up? Uh oh, does this mean there will be competition between Jonah and Wolfie (Maybe Zack?) on who gets Casey's heart? Dun dun dun!
I only saw one minor error:
"...Halley's house. Halley's rom." Did you mean 'room'?
All in all, I loved reading this fluffy chapter. Looking forward to reading more!
| Tw1nkl3t03s chapter 5 . 2/15/2016
What is Halleys problem? I am not a huge fan of her. Poor Kase I feel so bad for her. Having to take care of the kids, work and now her mom. All her friends get to go and goof off in life while she has to live like a 40 year old. I hope life starts looking up for her
| Tw1nkl3t03s chapter 4 . 2/15/2016
Zack was making me crack up in the beginning he is hilarious but also a jerk. Love your description when you say "If I see them kissing, I am going to eat my face. Starting with my eyeballs." I couldn't stop laughing. We got to see werewolf guy again. :D I can't explain to you how much I love your story. You are truly an amazing writer.
| Tw1nkl3t03s chapter 3 . 2/15/2016
You did it again this chapter was flawless. Totally procrastinated doing my chores to read this chapter. You really are gifted. Werewolf guy sounds dreamy. So much mystery and excitement. I hope Kase finds someone for herself. I feel bad about her with Jonah. Very thrilling chapter can't wait to read the rest.
| Tw1nkl3t03s chapter 2 . 2/15/2016
This was AMAZING! I am so jealous right now of your writing skills. I feel like this is something I would find if I went to Barnes and Noble and picked up a book. You bring the characters to life and feel so real. You described everything so perfectly. Usually describing physical action can get awkward but I feel like you did it brilliantly. This is one of the best stories I have read on FP so far. Keep up the fantastic work.