|Reviews for Yellow|
| A chapter 10 . 2/15/2016
Good stuff !
| BradytheJust chapter 10 . 2/15/2016
Well short fluffy chapters are great, and this was no exception! :)
Once again you did a wonderful job describing the action of Gabriel's athletics. I could see everything in my minds eye and I especially loved Kasey attempting to keep up with him (and how she learned really quickly that pushing buttons repetitively doesn't make things go faster)
There also seems to be some trouble with Halley and Jonah... and I'm not sure who I want Kasey to end up with Jonah or Gabriel! :)
As always a wonderful chapter and keep it up!
| Dark Cyborg chapter 10 . 2/14/2016
I have been waiting for this for so damn long! It's finally here, and it's as amazing as I expected, it's awesome!
One thing though, you don't usually make spelling mistakes, so I'm guessing you were in a hurry. Still I'm listing them down, so you can correct them and make this chapter point on perfect.
Halley's rom. (Room?)
I fiddled with the camera in my hands, managed to switch it onto video, and hurtled after him, my footsteps more staggered than sooth. (Smooth?)
Anyways, back to the story. Lovely, utterly lovely writing again. Gabriel is so cute! And so is Kasey. Completely adorable. This entire chapter was a thrill, with Gabriel 'monkeying around,' and Kasey following him.
I loved the part in the end where he tell her about conquering her fear... It's cute, almost like he was helping her do it.
Then there's his definition of life and living, just perfect. It's what life should be, a joyride. Yolo peeps!
As always? Kasey is funnier than a stand-up comedian. I laugh at almost all of her lines. When she wants, she can be as soulful as a yogi. I love this mix of things that make up her character, her very cute character.
Haley's back... Ugh!
But something happened, I wanna know what...
More than that I wanna know if Gabe liked the video Kasey made..
Awaiting the next one,
| Ckh chapter 5 . 2/14/2016
Huh, there sure are a lot of things happening in this chapter eh?
Cale is a cool introduction to the party, and I like how the direction here is going. Gripes I have with such stories is the tropes and all, but everything is clear and highlighted pretty well at the moment, and the dialogue/description did not fall stagnant one bit.
I liked the character interactions and anything other than that still remains strong, and I hope you got the momentum going. Though looking solid, it is hard to tell in the future, so all the best.
| TotoDaDog chapter 9 . 2/11/2016
This was not boring! I loved this chapter! Finally, she talks to Gabe! Yay! And they are working together!
I love finding out more about Gabe, and Kaesy. I didn't know she was afraid of everything XD It fits her perfectly, though...she remains in her spot as my favorite character :)
Please update sooooon!
| Leon Wite chapter 7 . 2/9/2016
Hmm. The werewolf guy. Gabriel. I don't understand why he has such a personality swap. The man that grinned and performed in front of so many, and able to pick her out from a group of people, get pissed and call her a stalker. I am curious to know. This man with his inconsistency of his actions as if lacking the emotional maturity to handle his possible attraction to Kasey.
I found myself so curious and - I suppose troubled - with Gabriel, everything that happened in the middle with Saffron, Zack and Blake seem to have fallen into the background.
I really love the Zack scene in the dressing room. That was an entertaining read with him walking in. Although, why did he open the curtains? Such a weird guy. Knickers are just underwear/panties right? so no bra? It's nice that Zack paid for it for her. Why is spotted panties bad? Not sexy enough?
So is Sarah, like Halley, suppose to be an unlikable character. I've known unreasonable people, though never that unreasonable, but I suppose I'm lucky like that. Although, these hints of physical abuse, physical weakness. What is the importance of it to the overall story and holding the revealing of its background later on? I am not stating this is wrong, but I am curious of how you plan all of these sub-plots and its relevance to the overall arc.
| Barbados chapter 4 . 2/9/2016
Well, that's one way to open a chapter.
Overall, I thought this was pretty tightly knit - but I can't wrap my head around Zack. Maybe it's just my life experience, but I have a hard time believing people are really this way - and that if they were, a group of people would continue to hang out with that person.
"I want to play," Zack whinged... did you mean whined?
The line about Europeans colonizing America because they were drunk had me rolling, and was easily my favorite quip of the whole story so far.
This chapter is riddled with amazing descriptors of actions and emotion. You've got a gift for it that I quite envy.
Be back for more later. :)
| TotoDaDog chapter 8 . 2/8/2016
Hi. Sorry it took so long for me to return your review, I've been busy with school and such. Anyway, great chapter!
Wow. This is getting intense. I wonder why he wants to talk to her so bad. Hopefully to tell her he's madly in love with her? I think it's realistic that she doesn't want to talk because he is kind of a crazy weirdo. (Then again, she IS a dinosaur :P)
Anyway, loved it. :DD
| Sarah chapter 9 . 2/5/2016
| Leon Wite chapter 6 . 2/4/2016
I see what you did. You ended the last chapter on a more serious tone so you can start this chapter a new with a more up beat tone.
You can always create a separate chapter between this one and the last one, and if you feel like that section is too short you can just, instead of cutting the ambulance, hospital, and home scene as three separate scenes and make it into one large one, but, as I said before, chapter isn't so much determined by length as it is the topic it is suppose to cover at hand, length is a fairly arbitrary value.
| Leon Wite chapter 5 . 2/4/2016
I was looking at your third paragraph and I was wondering: Didn't I read this before in chapter 3? The last par where she is talking about lying and making a fool of herself, almost word for word. The whole: And when? How long have they know? Makes sense, but instead of "Sex was one of they many things I lied about. What if I had said something, only for them to have a good giggle about it after?" maybe something like different, 'cause I get it if she is stuck on it since embarrassing moments would reoccur in one memories, but it usually isn't word for word.
For the introduction of Cale (I think this is a new character, don't remember reading him from before) I think it would be better to state who is his first, but that is more personal of me of who he is rather than how he looks.
I much liked how you did the introductions before, where there was a quick introduction of who they were, what major they were in, and then into their quirkiness.
Speaking of quirkiness. I like Cale. Based in his personality, he's cute and funny.
Her crush on Jonah is wasted: Cale, the werewolf guy, and Blake are far better choices P.
For the whole "Controversial statement:.." Jonah's last input with the Fantastic Beasts seems - how to say. I think it would be better to stay on the topic of Snape then Zack interrupts. like: Technically Snape didn't need to gain the trust of the death eaters or Lord Voldemort, mostly because he was part of the Order of Phoenix/really close to Dumbledore that allows him to feed information directly to them, so there is no relevance to Harry other than the fact that he is the son of James, who had stole his ...i forgot her name...haha.
And god, are they flirting..lol
This definitely shows, almost justifies Halley's insecurities, but if it was just two guys that went back and forth like this, wouldn't it have just seemed like two friends in their fandom, but because we know Kasey has a crush on Jonah, and that small moment when she grabbed on to him and smiled at the fact, he doesn't dislike it. So, Halley knows that these two has some kind of chemistry, and she doesn't trust the her best friend wouldn't stab her in the back like that. Very insecure. Interesting.
Okay, so you changed from iPod to phone.
I think the part where Sarah falls and goes to the hospital can be a chapter of its own since it doesn't have the same topic of Kasey and Jonah's relationship. I do see the relations only at the end since so much has happened: almost losing a friend, the hospital, and Jonah, but it isn't a strong enough connection to keep it in the same chapter and would move it to another, using that ending to tie into the next scene, hopefully (I'll find out when i read the next scene.)
| Timbo Slice chapter 4 . 2/4/2016
I thought the highlight of this chapter was the party, even with the introduction of new characters you managed to keep things going at a constant pace by giving them unique appearances and personalities. Plus the whole scene felt very natural because they all complimented each other's personalities that made for quite the hilarious read.
If anything, I felt that the ending with the sudden appearance of the werewolf was a little rushed, definitely unexpected as to how he found her in the first place and then her sudden compulsion to follow him even though she had been werewolf free the entire chapter. In all this was a fun chapter that highlighted Kasey and her social circle in a great way while still moving the plot along. Good work so far!
| Barbados chapter 3 . 2/4/2016
The first thing that stood out to me this time was the use of the horizontal line. I think you can probably cut at least two instances of it out to help improve the flow. That bar / line just disrupts things so much, and you really don't need it for the changes you used it for.
I didn't wait to hear what Sarah's opinion on the matter was.
Upon arriving I parked and then threw myself...
No real need for the bar there. Plus this helps break up the sentence openers, which is always good in 1st person as the use of "I" tends to become prolific.
The use of werewolf as a descriptor seems a bit odd to me, but it would seem less so if she used a particular werewolf - like Jacob, for example. That would work because she has a thing for narrating pop-culture references.
Do most malls in the UK have outside-facing windows in the stores? It's very unusual here in the U.S.
Overall, well-written and the MC seems pretty consistent and realistic, as do the supporting characters. Be back for more later. :)
| Ventracere chapter 9 . 2/3/2016
I'm a huge fan of your use of rhetoric in the beginning of the piece. It's strong and poignant, filled with all these little things. At first I was thinking to myself, is this really Kasey talking? For some reason I felt like she was much more put together in the opening than she has ever been when it came to thinking about Gabriel. It might have been because it doesn't feel like she's in the moment; we're just as disoriented as she is (in a good way). We're lost with her in her thoughts about him, how he sweeps her away; except instead of his intensity, it's what he's making her feel that gets us as lost as she is. In other words, good repetition - it helps underscore her jumbled thoughts.
Another thing that I liked was the back and forth between her consciousness (and her usual sarcastic self). I'm usually not the biggest fan of when this happens, but you did a good job. Her consciousness acts as her more "out there" self, when she's easily excitable, then her responses are more in line with how she acts with her friends, more sarcastic and downplays her ideas a bit more. For one, it shows us the depth of her character, that she isn't all over the place (I think I pointed this out in an earlier chapter). I wasn't her biggest fan in the beginning of the story, but it's times like these when you have a good balance between her more mellow and her excitable self that I'm a huge fan of.
It was a curious style to have Kasey's story interwoven with the story she was telling Sophie. While it was touching, the parallels made me a bit iffy. Yes, it was story, but for me, it made the "new chance" she had with Gabriel feel a bit more insignificant. That's just me though; it might work a lot better for someone else.
Overall, I'd say I'm a big fan of the chapter. Again, while it isn't filled with action after action, it was a good change. You kept my attention for the entirety of the piece. The dialogue was balanced out by the introspection and flowed well. So you did a great job :))
Thanks for the read!
| Leon Wite chapter 4 . 2/2/2016
I'm going to go straight to the part you were worried about:
The chapter is long, but length means little as long as the main point of that chapter stays consistent. Long dialogs isn't a problem, since it is a party. Long dialogs are a given and parties have lots of people. So far from what I can tell, the main character that is really being introduced that we get to know more of is Zack, since he is the main voice while the others seem more like the audience of Zack's performance.
With the people she hangs out with, no wonder she is so fascinated with the werewolf.
some of the lines though, like I get confused who is speaking, so making a note when there is more than two people there. But I'm assuming the exchange of Saffron's boyfriend is only between Saffron and Zack? I don't know why, but I expected someone else to say, "He doesn't exist?" Probably because of the question mark at the end of it.
My suggestion though wouldn't really make your chapter shorter but a bit longer because it seems really convenient for the werewolf guy to just show up. Really, she was the only one that was filming it? Something that flashy? There as to be more too it, or else it feels a little bit anti-climatic.