|Reviews for Yellow|
| Leon Wite chapter 3 . 2/2/2016
Okay, I'm loving the stranger. So cute. He has a quirk. Quite different from how he is portrayed in the prologue, but I guess I'll find out why he is so pissed off about the videos I guess? I assume someone who loves the attention of the crowd watching and that playful would find it - how to say, stroking his ego?
I found what was going on with him more interesting than the details of Jonah about the music thing, but I'm also guessing that this will be relevant later on.
For someone who hates Mission Impossible, he sure watched a lot of it and has something to say (Although, I guess there are quite some people like that: even with the series they hate, there is at least one that is better than the entire thing.)
There was a part after he had jumped out and her hands were sweaty and knees where shaking which got me a little confused. It jumped to talking about green veggies? Of all her random leaps that one confused me of how she got to thought.
Halley, for someone who likes looking at the menu, she sure is stuck clinging onto Jonah like someone will take him away in seconds. lol.
Personally I find Kase fairly cute, its sad she is still single.
| lookingwest chapter 5 . 2/2/2016
Not super into the first line because of the use of the adverb at the end - usually not a grammar stickler, but I want to see "The rest of the night liquidly ran by." Still eh - maybe "We drank the rest of the night away"? "The rest of the night we drank away." Suggestion! Even in the second paragraph (ugh what is with me right now being a stickler, sorry!) get rid of the first "drinking" - if you say they're playing drinking games and your previous paragraph describes them drinking, we would pretty much assume they're drinking - so I don't think it needs to be listed first on "things that we also used to do"
Okay! Officially going to stop being a stickler on you now. As far as the actual /content/ of the opening, haha, this echoes back to where Kase opened in the last chapter - I didn't comment on it then, but that was something I was curious about (why had she spent the night at Halley's when Jonah was over and why not at her parents' house? or her own place? I think I might still be a little confused as to whether Kase lives at home (which is next to where Halley lives) or if she lives separate from her parents...). Ahem, anyway - I didn't think her reaction of leaving was that weird - it's totally rude of Jonah and Halley to do such a thing when she's literally right there next to them, eep. I'm glad that she left, so the opening did a great job setting up some conflict in terms of action but also friendship, I think.
Which. Halley and Jonah. Sigh. Those two. Halley needs to chill. She's obviously super insecure about her relationship with Jonah OR it's saying something that she actually doesn't trust him at all - getting mad at a friend just for talking with your boyfriend alone? Idk. I can see it leading to some jealousy drama just for Jonah. What's with that? Chicks before dicks, man. This Jonah thing is fixing to ruin friendships, eep! At the same time. Idk, even. Obviously Jonah and Kase have a long history too - it's weird all three of them can't hang out together without Jonah and Halley having sex on chairs right in front of Kase. /At the same time/ though all this seems really trite to me - I remember high school being kind of like this. Drama, drama. These characters are still young. I can see this being an issue.
I got confused at the end of the bedroom scene with the p0rn conversation. I thought it was just banter between Jonah and Saffron, but because of the lack of speaker tags I was expecting Saffron to end it with the "shall we leave them to it" but it seemed to end on Jonah? Which made me question the entire exchange - ie. I had no clue who was actually speaking or what the p0rn joke was even about (didn't get it). I did like the "controversial statement" banter in that conversation though, I think that amused me far more than the way that the scene ended - but the setup to get Jonah and Kase alone again was a little bizarre to me. Speaking also of that scene - the setup was a little transparent again via your mode of delivering description. We get about 3 heavy paragraphs of setting and character, but I would venture to recommend trying to disperse that type of stuff throughout the scene. I did enjoy the description of Saffron's room though - that one I could see getting kept, but the paragraphs afterwards of where people are sitting, etc - that could all be worked into dialogue speaker tags again, I think.
The most jarring thing that happened in this chapter was the Sarah bit. I had to read it a couple of times... I thought that Sarah lived with Kasey's father? So where did she fall? Why did she tell Kase to go back home to the kids (or was that a flashback to some other past incident where Kase saw someone fall down stairs?) The end scene hints that Sarah was at "Nanny's"? Is that Sarah's mother's? Or Kase's dad's mom's? Or where, exactly? Confused about it - in general the scene was abrupt.
I'm not sure, either, how I feel about it being broken up between a scene of Halley telling Kase not to see Jonah anymore. I feel like the Sarah falling scene could be expanded upon (described more for situational context) and then bridged with the last scene with the kids uninterrupted - someone falling and perhaps /paralyzing/ themselves for their entire life seems just WAY more serious than trivial dating problems - I'm not 100% sure I agree with framing them as if they hold the same emotional weight. I know Sarah isn't her real mother - but that accident sounded so brutal I'm surprised that Sarah was even conscious if that was indeed her talking - if not, maybe that was just a flashback and Sarah actually died - the lying to the kids thing felt ambiguous - either she's at the hospital or dead.
Anyyyway, overall - lots of character development and relationship development happening in this chap! I'm wondering if some scenes could just be condensed or combined, though - like why not have Jonah and Kase have their kitchen scene at Blake's AND listen to the music together in that same scene - then have Halley just pissed about that, and have the phone call. Don't know if we need the scene with Saffron (it does characterize her room, but how much of the novel will take place there, anyway?) Just some ideas. You'd have to repurpose some details (like the bit about the youTube videos) but it could create a more precise plotting - I'd see what other reviewers have to say as well! Overall really enjoyed the developments, though! Looking forward to seeing Werewolf Guy again! :D
| Daydreamer07 chapter 1 . 2/2/2016
I absolutely love this story! Can't wait for the next chapter!.
| BunnyChoi chapter 9 . 2/2/2016
YES! I'm so happy to see my crazy Kasey and my bad boy Gabriel back to their normal selves. It was great to know why they were acting so different. Great job with that. I can tell you did a lot of research with Gabriel's disorder.
"I didn't even write more of my new story. Just stared at the screen, until the words throbbed, thronged and then thinned into nothingness." I just love this so much. I frequently feel this way when I write.
I enjoyed reading the interaction with the kiddos; was very adorable! The fairy tale and the present time being mixed together was really nice.
Kasey's first text messages with Gabriel were hilarious!
As for any errors, I didn't see any. This was a great, solid chapter. Everything flowed very well; not too much dialogue or too much craziness. It was just right! :Thumb Up:
I look forward to reading more! Keep writing! :D
| TheGirlWhoRambled chapter 6 . 2/2/2016
Cale’s reveal that they all bet on their love lives was interesting. I must admit, I am curious to see who Jonah bet on… Especially since the lyrics of that song really did sound like Kasey in my opinion. If he likes her and Halley’s noticed that makes me feel a bit sorry for her, although I still can’t forgive her for the way she’s treating Kasey. Anyway, you continue to portray Kasey’s feelings over Halley and Jonah and everything else that’s happening really well.
I’m glad to find out mystery guy’s name at last, and the fact he has a little sister as well. I hope we get to find out a bit more about him soon. He’s an interesting cookie, that one. Your humour continues to be great and well mixed in with the serious stuff. I really liked the final line. Poor Gabriel xD
I guess the main thing I felt was a bit off with this chapter is the way you switched scenes throughout the chapter. Particularly since the segment from the prologue was missing, it was a bit hard to follow. I liked the effect the short scenes had in the last chapter, but for this one it was a bit disconcerting. I don’t think it would take much to connect the scenes – for examples, you’d only need a few lines about Kasey getting dressed and leaving her room, etc. etc. to connect that first scene with the one with Sarah. Same with when they were in Cale’s car and then when they were having coffee. I liked their conversation about the colours and stuff though. My friends and I have often wondered the same thing :P It really screws with your mind.
| Leon Wite chapter 2 . 2/2/2016
I'm not sure what you mean by "writing from the heart" or of "softening" the main character. The story is very much in the moment. I find this mysterious guy interesting like the main character. Her personality flowed from the prologue to the first chapter. If "softening" the main character is as to lighten her into a more "passive" personality than one that would require to rewrite how she phrases things from the beginning, but being that the personality flows well from the beginning to now: her randomness and how she can easily just wonder off from the main subject. There were a few phrases that had me reread the passage like: "She shot me with clearly told me she was not in the mood for my jokes." I think something is messing in this sentence.
Because it is written as if it is in the moment, it does give off the essence of "from the heart" and at least I could feel her amazement when she saw that guy, but if it is something with more depth from the heart that is closer to drama that makes your heart race and empathize with all the character's there, there are different ways you can go about that, but again that really depends on the angle you are trying to work for. I personally don't see anything wrong with the way it is currently written, but, again, I'm not really sure what angle you are trying to go. If I could get more information what you mean by "from the heart" and "softening the main character" I might be able to say more on the matter.
| Leon Wite chapter 1 . 2/2/2016
I liked this opening. I ran through it pretty smoothing. I think I was trying to read this awhile back, but had to put it down, but that is more of my personal dislikes of having to read through descriptions of physical descriptions. I would say that when she went into describing herself, it didn't feel very natural, but that is one of the harder parts, getting the description of the narrator out somehow. It was also odd that she didn't realize she was being held up, but that is possible I suppose (since I've never been drunk before, so that is hard to say). The way it was described how she was being carried, it doesn't really sound like princess style, yet when he dropped her and she hit her head, seems like he might have been?
Did it really take him that long to realise who he was carrying in his arms or was it just that after he realised that she was okay and wasn't actually in any life threatening situation, he decided to just drop her and get pissed off?
| Barbados chapter 2 . 2/1/2016
So, as I said before, this chapter serves as a nice set-up for the prologue, which is a bit awkward. That said, it was a solid and well done chapter. The difference in tone between this and the prologue is a credit to you; you did a great job with that.
Some things that stood out to me:
I took in a sharp breath, shutting my eyes autonomously. I feel like there is a better word than autonomously that could be used there. Reflexively, instinctively maybe?
If Halley thought she was pregnant, then WHY is she DRINKING?!
Don't think Hogwarts needs to be italicized. Nor Nokia.
You mention siblings, but maybe say what they are: sister and brother, or brother and two sisters, or something that gives a little more info instead?
I enjoy the MCs character and narration, and look forward to seeing where this goes!
| TheGirlWhoRambled chapter 5 . 2/1/2016
I really like Cale. He seems interesting. I liked the humour you used with his obsession with coffee. I know people with a similar love for the stuff. It’s a love I’ve never really understood. Coffee is gross :P Anyway, my dislike of Halley has grown after this chapter. I really don’t have much sympathy for her at all. Unlike Kasey, I don’t think she has the right to be miffed – after all, there was no evidence whatsoever that she and Jonah were doing something wrong. They were just sitting together and she has no right to tell Kasey she can't see one of her best friends anymore because of her own pettiness. That said, I did get the feeling that she and Jonah may be having problems with their relationship, since he seemed very distant towards her when she entered the room. It was a clear contrast with the way he acted with Kasey, anyway, which was much friendlier. If that’s the case, I suppose she’s probably just taking out her feelings of frustration or whatever with him on Kasey, which I guess would allow me to feel a little sympathy for her. But that theory needs more evidence before my dislike of Halley abates xD
Anyway, something I think you need to work on is the way you describe your characters. Not that the description you have is bad, per se, but you tend to have it all in a block when the character appears, and you phrase it as a long list of traits, such as when you described Jonah about halfway through the chapter, and when you described Cale. There’s a lot of comma abuse going on there xD To be honest, not much of it sticks in my mind and it kind of halts the story a bit as well. I’ve always thought it was better to scatter description throughout the writing so it’s part of the action rather than stop the story to describe someone.
That ending was really, really sad. Poor Sarah :( How did she end up like that, I wonder? At the moment I see two possibilities: Self-inflicted, or Kasey’s Dad pushing her. The pushing theory seems more likely since I would think if she’s self-harming she’d inflict injuries on herself in some other way rather than deliberately falling down the steps, but… Both options disturb me a lot :( The emotions in the ending paragraph, when she’s talking with the kids, was really well portrayed. The thing with Sarah was really shocking, because I didn’t expect it at all (I thought she was suffering from depression or something, but I never thought there was some sort of physical injury going on as well). I like how suddenly it happened and the short paragraphs you used, it made it that much more shocking and disjointed which really added to the horror factor. Anyway, I don’t think there’s any need for you to apologise for the more serious nature of this chapter. It really adds depth to the story to have scenes like this, and I admire you for being able to mix it in so well with the humour in a way that seems natural.
| Whirlymerle chapter 4 . 1/31/2016
Haha, that opening was definitely an attention grabber.
[my dusty, early-morning state] getting nitpicky here, but I’m assuming that the “state” applies to Kasey? I feel like “dusty” doesn’t quite work here, because then “dusty” sounds like it applies to Kasey rather than the morning (unless I completely misunderstood here :P)
Ooof, that sucks that Kasey has to listen to her best friend and still lingering crush have sex. Writing wise, I’m particularly impressed that the section where Kasey has to deal with this discovery is funny (like the bit about foxes and elephants and the sofa as a landmark) but also evokes Kasey’s frustration very clearly and believably.
I also really like that by the end Kasey decides to go hang out with friends despite her reservations about seeing Halley and Jonah together. Her thoughts feel very real, and I think the fact that she decides to get over it herself makes her seem all the more like a protagonist with strength (but in a subtle, not in your face way).
I didn’t really have an issue with you introducing three new characters at all. I found it fairly straightforward to keep track of them.
I think my biggest issue with this chapter is that Zack’s character was a little too overdramatic for me. From the “Zack-Quake” I get that he’s probably in an abnormal state, but I think what would help ground his character is knowing what he’s like when he’s normal and what causes these mood springs and why his friends put on with him. I personally feel like he has to be a really, really great guy normally for his friends to put up with this BS. I think, his place the friend group could be more believable if he were the one who cracks the most jokes but goes over the line sometimes, but the crap he says in this chapter ranges from immature/annoying to downright offensive. By the time apologizes to Kasey, I’m honestly surprised that he can be apologetic and serious so quickly. So, for those reasons, I nominate Zack as the character who needs some more work.
Also (and this is a personal preference thing), if you’re worried about the scene at Blake’s being too long, you can always cut out some of the opening descriptions of your characters. I personally didn’t need to know what Saffron’s four necklaces looked like or how she wore her hair. Alternatively instead, you can weave in details throughout the scene (ie have Saffron play with her necklaces at some point, or Kasey noting that she’d always admired Saffron’s style) where these details could contribute information to characterization and plot more seamlessly.
Within the plot of this chapter, I particularly like the detail about Kasey saying that sometimes she lied about sex and was worried that maybe her friends knew all along. Little things like that give the revelation (that her friends all knew she’s a virgin) so much more gravity.
You have some lovely metaphors here. One of my favorites is the daily whirlywind and the thoughts as specs.
| lookingwest chapter 4 . 1/31/2016
Yup, haha, I was going to point out the "party" scene as a place where the pacing really slowed. Looks like you're already aware of it - I'd just recommend cutting it down - start with them already playing the game when she walks in and pick up from there, and cut down on the Zack stuff in regards to wanting that Bradford guy there. Another idea to cut down (this is for any scene moving forward) - I don't think you need a lot of the description of characters we already know. Cut the tie-dye shirt descrip of Jonah and of Halley. Instead, just reference it if they're talking and work description into dialogue or action: Kase: "I looked over my shoulder into the shadows and could see Halley clutching at Jonah's tie-dye shirt while they kissed, his beanie hat already pulled from his head." Then we get the descriptions and we also make progress with action and plot. Something to that effect!
That would be my advice! Or look at a scene and ask which parts could be cut and don't pertain to plot development - while Bradford not being there characterizes Zack, if Bradford is not a major player later on (maybe he is, idk) then we could lose some of the focus on him. (also, aside: if you nickname Bradford to Brad, Brad is a lot like Blake - I had to stop for a moment and get them straight - perhaps a name change is in order in the future if they have a lot of scenes together, if not, no sweat!)
You did a great job this chapter with Zack though - I think out of all the new characters he's the one I remember the most (our one-liner guy I already forget the name of), and I recall Blake because he's hosting. Anyway, I really don't like Zack, haha! I think that's intentional though. He's sort of a sexist asshole and maybe even a little bit racist? haha. One little thing (extremely minor, and a nitpick) I did have to re-read his line about cherries twice because I wasn't sure what he meant and knew I'd missed something. Maybe take out the "cherries" as a plural in that line, and just keep it "cherry" - the plural form kinda threw me off since I think usually that metaphor is used in the singular - 1 girl, 1 cherry, as opposed to "all those cherries down there." Ahem.
But yeah! Yuck, Zack. The relationships of the friends thicken! I like the conflict introduced with Halley haven't revealed that Kase is a virgin. Ugh, the purity myth at its finest, too! Poor Kase :[ Glad that Werewolf ended up in this chapter eventually - I think that was a clever way to lead in to him showing up (having her leave because she was so upset) - it also implies he might've been watching her, eep! And waiting to make his move! Glad you PMed me about him wanting her to take the videos down - I would've asked that again after reading this, haha. I'm super intrigued about the ending of this chapter too, because it sounds like she's interpreting him as being dangerously reckless on purpose - like he's /trying/ to hurt himself or something :( Liked the depth/curiosity there.
Overall, another solid chapter - and your A/N already hits on my only critique point!
Oh, PS. tea-making makes an entrance! So english, love it! :)
| Electrumquill chapter 7 . 1/31/2016
I can certainly Identify with Kasey in that instance where she tells Gabriel not to use expletives. I rarely use expletives at all, let alone when there are kids in hearing range. As for letting one slip herself... that reminds me of a time I accused someone else of quoting Michael Jackson, but then quoted him myself to reenforce the point!
I like the saying "apology soup!" I'll add it to my menu of sayings :p
I approve of the description of Saffron and her jewellery. I'm interested in jewellery as well, I'm drawn to bright colours.
I expect the Monty Python men could have got away with selling Saffron a dead parrot, don't you?
Yikes! Poor Kasey, stuck in that dress in the charity shop. I like how she takes her predicament in a way that's so in character. I wonder at what point she would want to talk about her financial difficulties and the like?
Touching moment they way Kasey and Blake bond, even though the background is very tragic. Depression and cancer are both silent killers indeed. If one speaks metaphorically, then they are both like demons.
OK, I see that Kasey's dad being unemployed is a part of hte financial difficulties they face. Really it's Kasey and Sarah who are the heads of household (breadwinners). That must be demoralising for him.
That is a very ominous detail indeed, that there is a thick, crusty wound under Sarah's chin. It was so unsettling that it really stuck in my memory (I first read this chapter a little while ago).
Good cliff hanger at the end. We wonder what mischief Gabriel's trying to draw Kasey into now.
| vanillatwilight chapter 9 . 1/31/2016
I love this! Gabriel is such a living, breathing character. Realistic. I love all of the details, the signs that this is researched. A little more conflict would be welcome. As for criticism, I feel like you aren't earning characterization of Kasey enough. Meaning, when she sent that joking reply about a ransom and said "well, of course I wouldn't give a normal reply. It's me," or something like that, I didn't really see where that was coming from. If you say that, I want to look back and see that she is indeed dramatic and creative and playful.
| annayh44 chapter 9 . 1/31/2016
I definitely love this story ! its different totally different...waiting for next chapter! woah whats wrong with wolfboy he never look at her eyes? i really am curious about it
| lookingwest chapter 3 . 1/31/2016
It surprises me that Kase doesn't recognize the guy in the prologue after she watches the video of him so many times and saw him twice before. Just a thought. Though maybe it's bc his face is obscured?
I had to go back and re-read Ch. 1 because I also wasn't sure - did they discuss/talk about him as being a werewolf? That comes up in the intro part and throughout this chapter but I wasn't seeing the connection between "jumping high" and "that proves existence of werewolves"... Maybe that's just a joke line in the opening, though? Still, I see more of the Superhero assumption than a werewolf one - like how she describes the video (if I were going with what I would assume first). If she thinks he's a werewolf, why didn't she says "Werewolf" instead of "Superhero" in the video title? There's also a Spider-man reference later on - I'd maybe expand on why Kase keeps referring to him and seeing him as a wolf - we've got nothing so far that would indicate that image. I could see reason if she saw a glimpse of his face and it was the face of a wolf, or shirtless, he was super hairy, or if he had claws. But not following her logic at all right now (is there a stereotype out there that werewolves can always jump really high? Never heard of it) - and it's mixing images/themes. I'd perhaps pick one - Superhero or Supernatural, and stick to it when you make metaphor/analogies about him while he's jumping.
Really though, that was the only thing that snagged me in this chapter. I'd say the pace slows in the family scenes with her father and Sarah and the kids, but not in a bad way - I think it's just because we want to get back to Werewolf - a classic pacing of any romance novel, I think. "Let's get back to the mystery guy!" Characterizing the family was nice - again, you're touching on some cool domestic themes in this story. Friendship, and now family. There's a line about Sarah being Kase's step-mother and all the kids are her kids? Did I interpret that right? So Sophia, Evan, and Lilly are her step-siblings? Wasn't totally sure - but that's what I was getting! Family appears to matter to her - is she supposed to be watching the kids at all or does she just rush back because she feels bad for leaving dinner? I was thinking the latter, but then I was wondering if she also had a responsibility to be back in time.
Anyway! Style. Yep - narrative tone is still on point for me and consistent with Ch. 1. Writing quality is easy to understand and flows nicely. Plot-wise it's interesting that this Werewolf dude is showing off now to the public - why would he be upset about a youTube video if he's showing off like that at a mall? Or maybe he wasn't really upset about the video in the prologue, either, but that's the impression I was getting. He seems to want to be in the public eye though - if he wanted his jumpings to be a secret, he'd do them with a little less public flair and probably forego the river dancing, lol.
Relationship between Jonah and Kase - yikes, I can see that leading to some friendship conflict with Halley in the future, that's for sure! Glad we got a little more characterization of Saffron here, too. I remember her but not as clearly as Halley from the last chapter, but she sticks to mind now. Nice playing the description off of Jonah when they're standing next to each other. I kind of don't like Jonah just because I want Kase to stay away from him and not ruin friendships, hahaha. I can't decide yet if she'd go for it - but she seemed like she would when she thought she was being texted only by him. The fact you have to /remind/ yourself that someone is your BF's boyfriend is a little shady. Eeep!
anyway! just thought i'd get another review in this afternoon since this hooked me :)
thanks for the read!