|Reviews for Sovereign: Ascension|
| Hibbidyhai chapter 16 . 6/28/2017
The end of Part I comes with a fair amount of foreshadowing. I love how this bookends everything, and leaves you wanting more. It seems like there is something more to this place, something more than Syrosk's argument with that instructor seemed to imply. Specifically, where Adello is getting those supplies from and why he isn't using them himself. Halsten is coming along nicely as a character, showing some more dimension other than the stoic and emotionless warrior that he seems to be at the beginning of all of this.
The first part of this epic was extremely well done. It establishes the setting, the characters, conflict, and a fair amount of mystery. The only major change I would recommend would be a more 'active voice' prologue to kick things off.
| Hibbidyhai chapter 13 . 6/28/2017
This chapter might have the most extreme example of a trust fall that I've ever seen. I really like how well you are balancing the character and personality of all of the students. You are showing us their differences, in the way that they respond to the same challenges, rather than telling us.
The encounter between Syrosk and Reiner is also revealing, giving us a glimpse into the motivations behind the purpose of the academy. It's pretty clever. And you leave us with a bit of foreshadowing. Although Syrosk is clearly superior to the instructors in the school, there seems to be someone else in charge. I'm really liking the mysterious way you present the power dynamics, rather than merely telling us that someone is stronger.
| Hibbidyhai chapter 12 . 6/28/2017
This is a great chapter, with Halsten establishing in crystal clear terms why he and his partner are superior to the academy mates they have been elevated beyond. The beat down scene was fantastic. My only only question remaining is that I would like to know what he said to the teacher. Did he actually trick the guy into believing he was a Lord?
The addition of Lorrik's new power wasn't too much of a surprise, but it adds an interesting new dimension to his character. He doesn't think like other Sovereigns, so it makes sense he would have capabilities they don't. It will interesting to see how the prospect of a power that requires selflessness being used for selfish ends. After all, as Halsten and Lorrik develop in their partnership, Halsten could become an extension of Lorrik's 'self'. Good chapter, looking forward to the next one.
| Hibbidyhai chapter 1 . 6/14/2017
Your prologue is well written, but it is a bit dry. If you wanted to improve upon it you could give it a 'voice'. Write it from the perspective of a letter or maybe even an intelligence report from the Federation. Its a good intro to your world and your realm, however, and sets up things nicely. On to the next chapter.
| LolBookWorm chapter 82 . 3/27/2017
I really enjoyed this story, although a lot of the action scenes didn't really catch my interest and I tended to skim over them.
| Taos chapter 28 . 1/3/2017
This has been an amazing read so far. Your character development, your plot with its numerous twists, your talent with description...it all brings together a beautiful story. I honestly have nothing negative to say about your writing, but I'm sad to say I'm done reading now. The whole romance between Lorrik and Halsten kills it for me. Not much of a fan of the whole LGBT movement, and I'm nit ashamed to say it. I'm not a hater, I just have a differing opinion..not really up for a debate about morality and values and all that either. Just wanted to appreciate what you've done so far, and wish you the best in any other works you're pursuing. All the best.
| prosaa chapter 61 . 9/14/2016
When telling the slave how they want their tea, zorzan refers to lorrick as lorrick instead of Dag.
| Kam I Am chapter 17 . 9/10/2016
Took a few days off but figured it was time to get back into the thick of things. And I'm very glad I did, right off the bat any complaints about the plot moving to slow were squashed. The nightmare was haunting, and I made the connection that it was someone we might've known fairly early on. Given that they're about to go to an island of beasts I'll be interested to see if Halsten becomes a beast himself like Lorrik seems to be worried about.
I like how their rooms lights are essentially the magic version of the clap on/clap off lights xD. I also enjoyed how chill everything was until Syrosk came storming in, given where the story's heading I wonder how many more relaxed chats they're going to be able to have over breakfast.
"Not, this is the first time I've experienced anything like it," said Lorrik.
I believe "not" should be "no".
I'm glad Lorrik agrees that it's weird he keeps getting these powers/visions :p. Hopefully there's some more justification for that down the line.
The notes about everyone's appearances were nice too. I'm almost afraid to go back and read over the chapter that has everyone's appearances again now, I've kinda ended up just creating my own mental images for them xD. Halsten having silver hair is cool though, I dig that.
I've got a bunch of theories I could toss about this island they're headed to, but I might just save them for when I get a better idea of the place. If I'm understanding right only a pair is going to succeed, which leads me to believe it'll be Lorrik/Halsten at the end :p. The journey to the other side will be interesting though. Right now I'm picturing something vaguely reminiscent of Hunger Games with the pairs all trying to "team up" but in reality really just trying to screw one another over. With the spotlight Arlia/Ikard seemed to get later in this chapter I'm thinking they might be working closely with our main protagonists.
I'm sure I could be just as wrong about that, which is exciting. This is the first time in the story that honestly don't feel like I have a handle on what's going to happen next, and it's a good feeling.
| Kam I Am chapter 16 . 9/6/2016
Woot, Part One is ended. And the trail of bread crumbs is growing longer. It's strange, but as much as I've learned so far about the workings of the Academy and the Sovereigns that surround it, I feel like I'm still exactly where I started xD.
Before I get into Adello/Adella (I absolutely love that this is who we touch base with to end Part one) I'll get into the Lorrik/Halsten stuff. The ship material continues, and leave it to Syrosk and crew to straight up abandon the pair #JustSovereignThings. It touches up on some other interesting stuff, namely Halsten's parents being a sore spot, I can only hope part two sheds some light on that. I also liked how Lorrik gushed a bit and showed his appreciation for Halsten.
Though that part did it as another monologue-y type passage, I liked that you had the character's atleast poked fun at it after the fact xD. As much as I've suggested changing certain things, self-awareness is always a good alternative :p.
And now to the brother/sister duo. A very difference perspective, and, outside of the bit with Syrosk a few chapters back the first time the story isn't being told from Lorrik's perspective... Now that I say that I'm sure I'm forgetting someone :p. Things remain frustratingly vague, like I said before, I feel like I've learned so much, but still know so little xD. There's another Sovereign - an Archon - that's set the Academy in its way and seemingly isn't going to be happy to see how Syrosk has gone about things. Interesting stuff.
This might be a strange comparison to make, but the story feels a lot like the opening arc of a Shounen anime. It doesn't have to be something mainstream like Naruto either, it can be a good one like Hunter x Hunter - assuming you understand any of these comparisions :p. The characters and general background have been set, and we know they're destined for great things, but outside of being selected, nothing of /real/ consequence has happened yet, even 15 chapters in.
That's something to be as proud of as, as it is to maybe reconsider. The pacing can feel a little too herky-jerky at times, stop and go. This coming from someone who put one of his fics on the fast track to nowhere (*cough* Fighting for Peace *cough* xD). We'll get bombs like the revelations Syrosk makes with that instructor at the end of... Chapter 12 I wanna say, and then not follow it up for several chapters after. Like I said, bread crumbs.
There'll be whole chapters where nothing of consequence happens, and then we'll get a glimpse of that. There's good stories that do this (to run with the anime comparisons, Cowboy Bebop comes to mind xD), but it's often hard to recognize they're good stories until /after/ the fact. And that's really what it comes down to for me. It's one thing to have someone read a chapter of a story, and another for them to see it through.
You have all the recipes for a good story, both the characters and interactions are on point, the writing is beautiful, but it's always going to be an uphill battle if from the get-go those are the things expected to carry a story in its infancy.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for this to become a page-turning thriller, as between reading this and some of your other fics, I know that's probably not going to be the case ;p. And that's okay. I just think injecting more plot/intrigue at an even-pace throughout is what's going to give it that edge, and not drifting away, whether it'd be after Chapter 3 (which as we've noticed is a popular stopping point :p), or somewhere else between there and here.
It may sound like I'm being overly negative (and looking back, it sure does feel that way xD), but I think that's one of the biggest things I've gone back and forth with on the story. I don't know how well I can represent a large base of people, but given that you said you'd like to do something meaningful with this story, whether that's getting published or what, I just figured it'd be good to mention this now, as I've got a feeling that the pace is going to pick up significantly from here on, and I'm excited for it.
Overall, I think what I'm trying to say is the story's good, but...
It needs more Jora.
| Kam I Am chapter 15 . 9/6/2016
Later than usual, but another chapter done, and what a-
"The pureblood remained rigid, a small stream of smoke emanating from his mouth, eyes rolled into the back of his head."
Damn. Damnnnnn. Alright, well that's one way to end a chapter :p. Lorrik comes out on top interestingly enough. Between this and the mysterious healing Templar-type power he discovered he's been on a bit of a win streak. Maybe too much of one, he's feeling slightly overpowered to my untrained eye. Atleast, in comparison to the other students. I feel like Halsten should've won this handedly, perhaps there's more justification for it in the next chapter.
Beyond that, I really liked Karja/Rylo's fight sequence. Like, a lot. It was probably the best of the lot for me, it kept things brief while highlighting the importance of this exercise.
Nesk and Raz's was tougher to get through, and a lot of that had to do with the lack of dialouge. Something which Arlia/Ikard's section made up for in spades :p. The banter is strong with those two.
And up until Lorrik/Halsten's duel, the banter was really what I was counting on. You've done a great job of building the characters up (I can name them all and identify personality traits atleast :p), and I definitely feel like I'm invested in them. The problem is, since a dueling scenario occurred relatively recently over the span of two chapters, this section feels like it treads very similar ground. Obviously, that was intentional, more Syrosk's intention than yours, I'm sure :p.
The more I think of it though, the less necessary a telling of each duel feels. The first time we could chalk it up as a way to better get to know the characters, and I guess that point still stands here, as it illustrates their further understanding of each other. But up until Lorrik electrocutes the hell out of Halsten, it just ends up feeling a little too similar for my tastes.
I think this might be a case where the duels are more fun to write than they are to read. Believe me, as someone who loves writing action sequences (most of which read terribly in retrospect :p) I know the feeling. Something about envisioning the sequence and telling it /exactly/ as it plays out can be really gratifying, but it doesn't always feel that way on the other end.
You had an end point in mind at the end though, which is good. Or bad. Halsten's gotten beaten up enough at it is Dx. ;p
| Kam I Am chapter 14 . 9/5/2016
Let's see if I can finish Part One today.
"as Lorrik was left staring the cooking appliance."
Think there needs to be an "at" after "staring".
"The large eggs cracked and split, pouring their golden bounty into the adjacent pan."
Golden bounty xD, I love it. You make something as simple as cracking eggs fun to read about.
"The Ministry of Magic..."
I see Harry Potter crossover potential here. ;p
I've been thinking ever since you said you intend to keep each Part 15 sections long. It sounds like a good plan, but keeping it to that rigid sort of structure can feel strange for keeping things feeling natural for a reader. This chapter was fun in that we're continuing to learn more about Lorrik/Halsten, and it continues to worldbuild about what things are like outside of their Academy. Still, I'd be lying if it didn't feel like filler. Good filler mind you, but filler nonetheless. I'm not saying everything has to be there to build up the plot, but with that whole 15 part thing in mind, this chapter feels more like it was serving to fill a quota.
It was alright here, I think the main point I was trying to make was that now that I'm realizing it here, I'll be interested to note if things ever feel "stretched" or rushed in the future for when the story needs to accomplish whatever it's set out for in the designated 15 chapters, whether it be part 1, 2, etc. Since it's still relatively early on, maybe I'm just making a bigger deal out of the way things are sectioned off, and the whole 15 chapter thing isn't as big a deal. But then, what's the point of parts in the first place?
Either way, the next two chapters are sure to be action-packed, especially with Syrosk dropping a bomb like the partners having to fight each other. I love the way things are mirrored with the duo dining and being all cute together in the first 3/4ths, and now they're forced to beat the crap out of each other xD.
| Kam I Am chapter 13 . 9/3/2016
Same thing as last time, writing as I go. This would've been harder with the early chapters, but there's a lot more interactions going on, so it makes it fun to comment on things :p.
Well, this chapter title doesn't sound too good itself. Outside of getting the crap beat out of both of them, Halsten and Lorrik have had things relatively cheerful for awhile, I'm concerned.
Halsten/Lorrik has competition with RyLorrik. Arlia sure likes to chat and banter with Lorrik, can't help but think there's more to that. Maybe I've just fallen into shipping hell :p.
Whoa, all this ship talk and now Syrosk just ups and ties them all together ... kinky. And this basically amounts to a trust fall, interesting stuff.
Seeing Syrosk talk/teach in as long a blurb as he does is equal parts good and bad. The monologue/lesson he's delivering is always interesting, but I'd be lying if I didn't get lost in the thick of it all sometimes. If the information was broken up in the middle somewhere, even with something as simple as him "clearing his throat", I feel like it would retain a lot of its effectiveness. The writing itself is fantastic, it's just the form of delivery that can wear on the eyes.
The Hunger, huh. The lines where this was converted from a SW fiction are becoming more apparent, or maybe I'm just trying to draw comparisions because I was aware of the vague connection in the first place. The Sovereign are Sith, which I had known from the start anyways :p, the rivalry with the Templars is becoming more apparent, so they're obviously Jedi. Maybe the Republic/Empire as a whole, not sure. The Hunger is the Force, the Dark Side of the Force I'm assuming, something like that.
Sure Syrosk didn't cause it to rain, sureeee. And the chapter title "falls" makes more sense now, geez I keep worrying something really bad is going to happen. Lorrik/Halsten have had it too good for too long.
Oh boy, confrontation time. Figures Syrosk knows everything. Between this and posting the notes /inside/ everybody's room, I'm getting a real Big Brother type vibe from him. And not that kind of big brother :p. And yeah, that note about Syrosk's skin tone last chapter is making more sense now, given that it's something that the instructor takes issue with.
The note above about the lengthy dialouge comes back here. Given the confrontation here I would assume things would ramp up with the lines getting briefer, but they end up getting longer. Syrosk's last bit in bold about "challenging us" was good, but it loses effectiveness for me personally just because it's quite lengthy.
And man, putting the Academy's real purpose into words like that really puts things in perspective. Drawing a lot of connections now. Why everything is always so dreary and same-like all the time, Lorrik's past seemingly isn't as "unique" or defining of him as it was originally now. And lol, Ikard being the only other pureblood at the Academy makes sense as well. Next to Ornell, he's been my least favorite character up to this point :p.
And there's an ominous "he" here, wonder who he is. I'm sure we'll find out in due time ;).
| Kam I Am chapter 12 . 9/3/2016
Writing comments as I go along, we'll see how this goes :p.
Man, all these gems and crystals, I wouldn't be surprised if this world was somehow related to Final Fantasy xD. I like how they're used for even mundane type things, like running water :p.
Holy glowing hands, Batman. Presumably because his "magic self" became stronger after his experiment with Ornell in the previous chapter? Dickweasel did something useful after all.
Halsten's on a mission, and, for the time being, I love it. I was expecting Arlia to be a little more peeved about being ignored. Ikard's musing seem a tad different from the way I would have expected him to react as well. Maybe that's just an issue because my only exposure to the characters (that I can remember anyways) was each character getting into an argument/disagreement, the former with Lorrik, the latter with Syrosk :p
Avenges his partner by breaking bully's fingers. #JustHalstenThings . God, I hope hashtags show up :p. Also, I'm starting to get a very bad feeling about why this chapter is called "Consequences".
Lorrik having a power that only trained Templars generally have, not sure how much I like that. And lol, of course Halsten would get into a debate about the necessity of injuries and how they're meant to be used as lessons xD.
Lot of italics in this conversation, lot of emphasis. Too much all at once can make it lose its impact.
"But I found what brought the strongest... inspiration, was thinking of you."
*writes down for his shipping journal*
And so the chapter ends. I see the chapter was more "consequences" for Ornell and crew than it was Halsten and Lorrik. That's good, had me worried for a second :p. And now Lorrik's new power, the plot thickens.
| Kam I Am chapter 11 . 9/2/2016
OMG IT'S JORA!
This isn't necessarily a bad thing but the way Adello made his request felt strangely reminiscent of a way an NPC would initiate a fetch quest in a video game :p. Maybe that's a leftover of the fact this is a story being converted from another story based on a MMO, or maybe I'm just trying to draw connections where there are none because it's funny :p.
Lol at Lorrik noping his way out of a situation xD.
Also, not a real complaint, but it still gives me pause to see someone say they're "pissed off" in a strict academy in a fantasy world :p.
I spotted the note about Syrosk having a dark complexion, perhaps it's just the months I've spent away from the story, but I can't seem to recall this being mentioned before. I'm sure it was, I must have missed it. Since I started reading again I know it's been awhile since we've gotten much in the way of a reminder of what all the Acolytes look like. I'm not saying it's something to repeatedly mention, but as we're about 11 chapters in now, maybe it'd be good to see a couple more notes here and there about the character's appearances.
Holy crap, this chapter gave me a lot to make note of. I still haven't gotten to Ornell being a dick weasel, and now Lorrik's "I've always been better than you" remark that I took issue with earlier on makes a lot more sense. I also like the fact that Adello/Adella are just guy and girl versions of each other xD.
Halsten's being a bro, and I dig it.
I'll be honest the story's a slow burn at the beginning, and not always easy to get into, but this was great. Here's hoping for more chapters like this. I think this one tops my previous favorite chapter :).
| Kam I Am chapter 10 . 9/2/2016
A new day means a new chapter. An exciting prospect, the groundwork's been set with all the various characters, and the real training just seems to be beginning.
Getting some insight into Syrosk was great. He's the one real enigma the story has, and despite his version of his life's tale, I get the feeling there's more there. Talk about his master seems like a sore spot, and I'm really curious to hear what his true motivation for the seeming social experiment he's putting the Acolytes through. With as unprecedented as it sounds, that doesn't seem like something he'd just wake up and decide to do one day.
The trial was great, and again shows the growing bond between Lorrik and Halsten. Given the conversation they had last chapter I can't help but feel like that's a little convenient :p. The emphasis on the way Syrosk left the note on the inside of their chamber rather than the outside was interesting. Dude's vibing kind of on the creepy side :p.