|Reviews for Postage Beyond|
| LorrahBear chapter 4 . 5/14/2016
Hooray, another chapter! :)
"How about you[?]" [h]e asked..." (comma to question mark, lower case instead of upper)
"Jarrod, Jenson and I" instead of "he and I and Jarrod"
This was a fun chapter, and I'm glad he got (and took) the chance to be brave with Jenson. Now we just have to hope it works out well! I'm nervous about the hit to the asteroid - sure seems dangerous, what with the whole *space* thing.
| kumamon chapter 1 . 1/24/2016
I find it nice that although humans have become more advanced, they still remember their roots and celebrate their old holidays, like Christmas. The acronyms you used made it sound fitting for sci-fi, it's pretty cool. Comm-tablet sounds like a nifty replacement for smartphones, but was wrong-numbber intentional or a mistake?
Kyle sounds a competent and caring leader, he always goes through the safety procedures and doesn't sit there idly while his crew members do the work, he leads them instead. An extrovert is also a good leader, there wouldn't be miscommunication and he'd get along with his crew well, resulting in a better working environment.
Technicians should be pretty important, shouldn't they? Why do Silas make them sound so unimportant, to the point he doesn't even get a decent seat? The aircraft doesn't sound pretty advanced, if Silas has to squeeze through the cockpit to get to the systems. Silas doesn't sound very big, he sounds very slender, if I didn't get your message wrong. Sound pass through air, and if there is no sound, how do they breathe? Correct me if I'm wrong.
You don't use a lot of descriptions, and the way you describe the plots sound natural. I've read somewhere that you should end the chapter in a way that would keep the readers interested and wanting more, basically a cliffhanger. But your story is different, it doesn't end in a cliffy, it just outright hooks me in from the beginning. The length of this story and the way you executed it is also done fairly nicely, and I would love to see more of it.
Keep up the good work. Cheers!
P.s. Is Jenson's family name Ackles? Σ(ノ)ノ
| shadowstrike31415 chapter 3 . 1/17/2016
Hi! Returning your reviews (at last)!
I have to say, I ended up reading the entire few chapters without pausing once. The plot really pulled me in. I also liked the characterization. Using first person narration really worked out well.
However I do have a few technical details.
This last chapter killed the captain off, assuming that he is dead since you never stated clearly. That's okay, though. If the intruder had a gun, he would have shot Kyle, wouldn't he have? And if he did so, wouldn't the technician (sorry, I forget the name. You only used it two or three times!) have heard the noise?
Also, why does the protagonist not get a chair? Is that supposed to imply that he is somehow lesser than the rest of the team?
Wouldn't one of the crew members have a gun of some sort? I would assume that pirates and such would exist in a realistic future, so it would be wise to have some protection. If they don't have guns, do they at least have a convoy? Of course, that's based on the thought that they would need protection...
Overall I did like the story. Good work, and I hope the next chapter soon!
| Ckh chapter 3 . 1/16/2016
Ah, this makes sense now.
I'm assuming that the people on the vessel were sent to intercept the package or whatever. (Could be space pirates anyways.)
I enjoyed the opening sequence bout space and the MC's thoughts. Really puts the pressure on the current situation. I also liked the descriptions of the MC fixing the problem. I dunno how you go into that much detail, but you did. The technical aspect is there.
Overall, solid chapter you have there. (And by any chance do you know bout FTL? (The game)). Adios!
| Ckh chapter 2 . 1/16/2016
Just when everything was going so well too...
Damn it MC, duct tape is not a placebo for machinery.
The writing and character analysis here seems simple but fairly well done, simplicity is good after all. The interactions and plot setting are also decent, giving me a tad "spacey" feeling here. Nice work.
| Ckh chapter 1 . 1/16/2016
And delivering supplies too.
So far, nothing seems overly fake regarding mechanics and all, so I applaud you for your knowledge on such matters. Good luck moving on forward!
| Victoria Best chapter 3 . 1/15/2016
Let me start by saying, wow, what an ending! That was certainly effective and I am looking forward to reading more! I did not see that coming, and I have so many questions. Who is the traitor? Who is holding him at gunpoint? And why? What is going on? Lots of questions and I can't wait to see some answers.
This continues to be well-researched, especially when he tries to ascertain the problem. Kudos for that. One of my pet peeves (I'm sure you will agree) is a completely ridiculous and unrealistic story, as a result of no research.
"This is the kind of cold that kills you on impact," and "it deserves respect. It demands fear." These lines were amazing and were certainly the highlight of the piece, in my opinion. I would love to see more lines like this that really showcase your writing ability. Just fantastic. However, having said that, I think you take the section about cold a little too far. It's a whole paragraph, and as a result these two lovely lines are diluted. Have a read over and you will see my point. It's just too long, and in over-explaining you kill the writing, if that makes sense. Less is always more.
You do a similar thing with the rhetorical questions, after "could I have hours, or would I have mere minutes? There were too many, all consecutively, which felt tiring to read. Rhetorical questions, like all writing features, lose their effect the more they are used.
Also, I think Silas switches on a little too quickly what is happening. "While I had been proudly fixing a problem that I suddenly knew was no accident, my friends had been helplessly taken advantage of." I don't think was a realistic reaction to the situation. His first thought would have been, "What the fuck is happening?" He would have just had a mind blank and been staring at them for a few moments before being to realise. That's just how human brains work. So to see him being surprisingly articulate and immediately catching onto the situation just seemed a little unrealistic.
Hope that helps and keep writing! Overall, this was a strong chapter with a wonderful ending, and this story has great potential! :)
| LorrahBear chapter 3 . 1/14/2016
Ohhhh, quite the cliff hanger! I really enjoyed this chapter. You did a great job of helping me, who knows little about mechanical technical work (and even less about spaceship maintenance) understand the process Silas was working through.
I also really like the last bit of the last line: "I stared death in the eyes." Very well done!
Some things I noticed/some suggestions:
A slight tense change in the first paragraph: "Our craft was well insulated, and in most environments it [would] maintain..."
Missing period at the end of "...or more intrigued, that I might have found something." Also in this sentence, I'd remove the comma between intrigued and that, but that's more personal preference than a rule (I think).
Tense shift again at ""Staahhp," I [called] again..."
I'd remove both the commas in "I placed my hand on [ ] what I hoped was [ ] the relay that..."
"full of greasy screwdrivers[,] [remove "and"] dull wire cutters [,] [and] all sorts of other goodies..."
I'd change "Small, this relay was." to [This relay was small.] It kind of sounds like Yoda, who I like, but isn't a technician. :)
| readingchameleon chapter 3 . 1/13/2016
(I am actually readingchameleon, but I'm on my phone and can't login)
Oh heck! I hope our protagonist is going to be OK...!
I'm literally on the edge of my seat waiting for the next chapter!
| Victoria Best chapter 2 . 1/9/2016
Another strong chapter. I like the characters and you introduced them well. I think they are all very different people, so it was interesting to see them all together and how they interact with each other. This has the potential to make for some great dialogue andI'm looking forward to seeing how the characters develop and what happens to their relationships as their journeys progress.
Jarrod sort of steals this chapter for me. He is very funny and this line made me laugh, "You are now free to move around the cabin." Do be careful of having the funny, attention-grabbing friend though, because one major, universal rule is that the main character should always be the most interesting, the one that we like the most (or want to see more of, in cases when the protagonist is villainous or idiosyncratic), and I think that Jarrod outshone Silas in this chapter. It's all right for now, because this chapter serves as a proper introduction for him, and so naturally the spotlight would be on him, but just be wary of that in future chapters.
The plot continues to be original and complex and I am looking forward to seeing how it will develop.
Little bit of infoloading, but you did warn me about that. I can deal with the information about the postal service - it's the information about the characters that I found hard to take in. This section in particular felt jarring, "Jenson chimed in. He was a simple man, always honest." I understand that you wanted to introduce him, but I didn't think that was the right place for that information - it felt misplaced and slowed down the dialogue. I think in that section the main focus should be on what they are talking about, and this distracted from it. Have a think if there is anywhere else to put it.
Otherwise, this was solid. Thanks for a great read! Keep writing!
| LorrahBear chapter 2 . 1/6/2016
I love that you mentioned duct tape again. :)
Sounds like they're in trouble and getting boarded! Or maybe things just broke down a little bit. Either way - dangerous, especially in space!
I look forward to he next chapter. :)
| Victoria Best chapter 1 . 1/6/2016
I enjoyed this! I think this is an interesting start and I would love to read more. You have a complex plot developing here and I am looking forward to finding out more about the 24th century and what will happen to Silas, who, so far, is shaping up to be a strong, likable protagonist.
Also, the world and the information about the ships felt convincing and realistic, which is often hard to do in science fiction, and I particularly enjoyed reading the final lines about setting off into the vacuum. Again, this was well-written and felt realistic, so I can tell that you have spent time researching and developing your ideas for the science fiction elements.
I also liked the character of Kyle. You don't tell us much about him, but just the mention of how he looked at Silas "like he'd kicked his dog" and the mention of him "barking orders" told us enough about him to give us a foundation of the character, so great job with describing without 'telling' us or 'infoloading' us.
Also, I enjoyed the structure of the story, such as the way you introduce Silas by telling us first about the pilots, and then going on to say "and then there was me." That was cleverly and smoothly done. In addition, great use of shorter sentences to add impact, such as "in fact, we all did."
A couple of commas missing, I think, but nothing major. "And so twice weekly I found myself..." while this is grammatically correct, this sentence is a bit of a mouthful to say and so I feel would benefit from some commas to slow it down and break it up, perhaps "and so, twice weekly, I found myself..."
Another sentence I feel could benefit from this is "during orientation all personell..." I think there needs to be a comma after orientation.
Finally, I did not enjoy the sentence, "Everyone's nerves were on edge." It just feels a little clumsily phrased, a little too long and harsh-sounding. I think it would be better as "nerves ran high," or "nerves found us all."
| readingchameleon chapter 1 . 1/4/2016
This story looks like a breath of fresh air. I'm definitely going to keep reading this.
| LorrahBear chapter 1 . 1/3/2016
First, a few tiny things I noticed:
"...Logistics and [Air flight] [Navigation] capable..."
"...or a wrong [number] from someone's..."
"only a small [isle] between..."
All that being said, I *love* that he fixes the door to a space ship with duct tape. You've once again managed to create a fantastic start to a story, and I'm excited to see where you go with this plot. Great start!