|Reviews for Old Wounds, Healed|
| StorytellerKim chapter 1 . 1/5/2016
A sweet story. :)
If I may offer some minor constructive criticism, I'd say your story could benefit from some pruning - you've got quite a few sentences containing unnecessary words. For instance, one of your opening lines reads, "That is, excluding for those that were exceptionally deep." Here, because you went with "excluding" rather than "except," the "for" after it is very out of place. Similarly, the sentence, "He had never thought about his enemies as surviving," could be reworded to sound less awkward. Another way to write it might be, "He never thought about the survival of his enemies." Or, "He never considered the possibility of his enemies' survival."
There are a few parts which I found a bit confusing. Specifically, "...a fellow member of a forlorn hope on a street corner, their arm as absent as the space within their eyes." This is worded rather nicely but I'm afraid I have no idea what it means. Another one that confused me: "...the sight of them at peace brought him closer to escape than his stamina ever had." Did you possibly mean to use a different word than "stamina" here?
I'd also suggest trying some stronger verbs (try not to use the various forms of "to be" so much) and more descriptive adjectives (instead of relying on less interesting adverbs like "strongly") in the future.
However, as I said, this is a sweet story, with a touching theme at its heart. It's rare to see an old warrior actually living in peaceful retirement - most stories end before that point, if the warrior even survives long enough to retire in the first place, or start at the moment said retirement is interrupted. I love that this story is basically a peek into what happily ever after, or what passes for it, might look like for a fantasy hero (or heroine).
Keep writing! :)
| CharCamOlson chapter 1 . 1/5/2016
Beautiful description. Solid writing almost everywhere. I really like "living softer lives on the back of harder deeds".
Check your writing for tense. There is at least one place where you narrate with present tense instead of past.
"their arm as absent as the space within their eyes". The concept in this sentence is beautifully haunting, but the words need tuning to do that concept justice. If the space within the eyes is absent, then that means there IS no space in the eyes. I get what you are going for, but I'm having to fill in some blanks to do it. Something like "the place where their arm should have been as empty as the space within their eyes", or maybe "their arm as absent as the life within their eyes".
Also, "her flank" really strongly makes me think of a horse's rear, then of the rear section of a military force, and only then of a person's buttock. May just be 'cause I was raised as a rider.
| LorrahBear chapter 1 . 1/4/2016
This is a really fantastic first chapter / prologue. You've done a great job of describing the life and area of your main character without being overbearing or dull. I am so interested and hope to read more!
| LDF chapter 1 . 1/4/2016
This was really well-written! Love the little details about his scars and the story behind them.