|Reviews for Heart Songs|
| Aiko Isari chapter 1 . 10/17/2018
It is Aiko, in guest mode! I have arrived!
I think I looked this over way back preposted days. I'm not sure but it looks familiar.
The vignette aspect of the work both helps and hinders this piece because heartbeats are literally fleeting and therefore not lasting and they keep going onward. So in a literal sense it's very good and just right for this work. The biggest downside for it is that the line breaks make it jarring and jittery, awkward pauses at times. I think maybe just taking them out and letting it all blur together in one massive swirl might alleviate this a tad, it would make things, how quickly things change, all the more poignant.
I feel for this poor man. He grew isolated and alone and sad, because precisely, he was searching for his happiness, his gratification, in other people. But other people have their own worries and troubles and those are often thicker than we can understand. So in trying to understand and play them, it drained him as well and he forgot his own happiness. But he dreamed once more and found it again. Kudos to you remi, for drawing us out into that.
There are a few little errors in this "alluded" should be "eluded" I think! But they don't detract from the work as a whole.
The piece feels strangely complete, to me. I know it's meant to be and you could continue on, but I don't think a plot would work in this vein with this unknown man. It would have to be a different owner of the violin, We shouldn't pry into this man's life any further.
The images you conjure are great, very simple and carefully repeated. It's not poetic but I think you did that on purpose :D.
Once again, kudos remi! If I could give them on here. Hehe.
| Victoria Best chapter 1 . 2/26/2016
I love the way you have combined the violin with the idea of "threads" altogether creating a really poignant piece about loss, and that is a difficult task to acheive in just 2k words, so I really applaud you for that. I think the tragedy was handled well, particularly at the end when he plays the song again, and I also liked the inclusion of the plastic flowers and what they symbolised. Definitely a moving piece.
I do have some comments. I felt like you were trying to create an overall "dreamlike" feel to this, through the language used and the structure. However, I think perhaps it might have been better to maintain the prose throughout, rather than separating it. The reason for this is that the piece became very jarring, and with every line break it lost more and more of that dreamlike feel. Dreams are not choppy; they flow from one to the other. I think the piece would far more successful and impacting if you tried to capture that. It would also resonate with more readers - I can imagine this structure turning off a lot of readers, as it gets distracting and confusing.
There was also, I felt, a lot of repetition here about the death of the child. We only need the first line, about the drowned boy (which was certainly a chilling line) to understand what has happened, yet you go on and on about it. Lines like, "children should not die before their parents / lost her child / crying boy / tragic boy." I think these can all be removed. Keep it succinct, just one or two lines about what has happened and then let the rest of the story, with the violin, the funeral, the rain and the tears, speak for themselves. It just starts to get irritating and it becomes 'overly sentimental' or 'overkill' and it loses its poignancy.
Finally, I felt that in some places you were trying to romanticise the child's death, which I think some readers will find bad taste. One line in particular that struck out to me was, "Like a watercolour painting in the rain, he faded." I would recommend removing this line and going through and checking for other lines like this.
Thanks for the read and keep writing!
| Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 1/16/2016
This is interesting. Reminds me of A Christmas Carol, which is the only thing by Dickens that I can stand. That said, the wording you use is lovely but the pacing feels very choppy. Each section is a nice single impression, but constantly ending and re-starting the scene makes the narrative harder to keep up with. By the end, I wasn't certain how much of the violin was real and how much was analogy - and how much was analogy turning itself real, like the snow.