|Reviews for Vampyre|
| Mislav chapter 1 . 2/28
Very exciting and creepy story, with great atmosphere and attention to details. The Night Maiden sounds like a badass, and she grew up into a real beauty too. I can't blame her for taking out the townspeople. They attacked her first, after all. They sure met a gruesome end, and they won't be the last. The ending was chilling. My favorite part was: "The Night Maiden was even more beautiful than the rumors foretold. So beautiful in fact that killing her too soon would be seen as a waste, so the men of Nosgoth intended to ravish her first. She stared at them wide eyed and uttered tiny screeches, as if imploring them not to hurt her. The men, intent in their ravishment, never noticed the shadows fester and seeth, and when they heard the flapping of many wings it was already far too late.
The darkness descended upon them in a fury of gnashing fangs and molten eyes. There was a cacophony of angry screeches and manic, desperate screaming, and through the sounds of absolute chaos came the most terrifying sound of all.
On the 'morrow the men who had entered into the convents steeple were gone and replaced with blood, blood, oh so much blood. It decorated the walls, dripped from the ceiling in grotesque droplets, and clung to the air with the heavy scent of iron, and in the center of the massacre was her, gore splattered from head to toe. She crept to the iron barred window and gazed upon the city of Nosgoth, her soon to be new hunting ground. The men had been fools, leaving their families unattended while they partook in their henious scheme. Now every woman and child would pay with their own blood.
Slowly, her lips parted into a crimson smile as merciless as a dagger being unsheathed."
I wouldn't mind reading a sequel to this, though it works really well as a standalone too. Keep up the great work. I really enjoy reading your stories.
| R.M.Spencer chapter 1 . 10/1/2016
The tone of the piece was conveyed very well. It had this Gothic/Romantic vibe that reminded me of Angela Carter's "The Bloody Chamber". The distant narrative style emphasized this as well.
For such a short piece there are a lot of similes. You may want to consider trimming a few. For example, jet black hair was used twice. You also desribed the whiteness of her skin several times. I really like the egg shell, because it is delicate and fragile but she is not. I did not love the raisins. When I think of raisins I think of wrinkled old women.
Overall, interesting story. I am impressed that you were able to do so much with so few words.
| V.Ohara chapter 1 . 5/28/2016
As I'm reading this I can almost imagine the narrator being one of those hermits in the abandoned convent. I'm not sure if this was at all intentional but I liked the effect. I especially see this in paragraph four where the diction shifts just a fraction and we are introduced to the "guv'nor". To be honest, for the rest of the piece I believe I heard the words read back to me in my mind in a scratchy, guttural voice , or what I believe an old hermit would sound like.
I particularly liked the second to last paragraph for a similar reason. It was as if the hermit narrator took pleasure in seeing his ward all grown up and with a healthy appetite. Maybe it was his laughter heard over the screaming, though I like to think it was the Night Maiden.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 3/31/2016
There's some contradiction happening in one paragraph of this piece that I would look out for - the narrater states that the girl grew to be beautiful at sixteen, then in the next sentence say she was "remarkably unremarkable in her beauty" - which means she looks pretty much like all other fair maidens, then later, the narrator states "she was even more beautiful than the rumors foretold" - so just in general, I'd watch the wording in the earlier paragraph about her beauty, it felt a little off.
I'd consider this kind of a flash fiction piece right now, and it feels pretty generic with how the myth of vampires might have come about. While I think you do a good job creating atmosphere, I wonder if maybe we could've stayed more with the girl than with the village and the convent - I feel like the narrative distance is closer to them than to the girl, if that makes sense, and it sort of detracts a bit from her agency as a character - she feels like a young maiden acted /upon/ than someone who acts. I do like how at the end you have her acting - but one revision might be to describe the story from her perspective a little more - just get a more limited 3rd approach, or try it out. Just an idea. But like I said, I really do like the overall atmosphere! And I also liked the ending description of the blood.
Reading rec: "Lucus Naturae" by Margret Atwood, it's a short story, and if you Google search it, it should be available for free online. I think you might like it - it sort of does similar things!
| Ventracere chapter 1 . 3/12/2016
Not going to lie, as soon as I read "skin as white as freshly fallen snow," my mind immediately went to Snow White and I couldn't help but wonder where you were going to go with this. Then I remembered that this had to do with Vampyres... Anyway.
"only eys as dark as twin raisins" - I think you mean eyes?
You used jet black hair twice, perhaps change one of them?
This was well written as always. I don't know what I was expecting; kind of like the village folk I guess. I was thinking that she would attack on her own, not wait for the men to set her free and then unleash havoc across the village. Serves them right. I think that's what I liked most, that you didn't make her the villain. Instead, this turned out to be more of a tale of caution and causation, not that she was a blood-thirsty, conniving moster right from the get go. Instead, it was the men who fell prey to their desires, to her beauty.
Another thing that I loved was the tone and voice of the piece. A lot of times in this sort of setting, it's the make or break of the whole thing. You made it. Really. The way you wrote this gave it a medieval, legend sort of tone. It's something that I could imagine people telling over fires in hushed voices, as if trying to warn their children not to do as the men did. "You wouldn't want to end up like that city".
Thanks for the read!
| Liya Smith chapter 1 . 2/5/2016
Interesting piece. The narration of the piece was very well done and I enjoyed reading through it (especially since you were able to paint such a great picture in less than a thousand words). The sentences seemed to run a bit long, but I'm not sure if that was your intention or not. Overall, the wording/diction of the piece was nice and seemed to fit the story. Nice!
| C. V. Atwood chapter 1 . 1/30/2016
I do enjoy how this hearkens back to the fairytales I used to love reading when I was a kid. It definitely has the same flow as Grimm, and I'm assuming purposeful parallels in the imagery. The snow color of her skin and the ebony hair reminds me of Snow White. These together make for a great start and are a great juxtaposition to the end where things go very dark. She is beautiful, but dangerous. I would, however, suggest doing a reread for some editing purposes. You've got some unnecessary "that" and some missing apostrophes and letters in words. I would think this would be a great character to expand out into a longer story.
| kumamon chapter 1 . 1/24/2016
I see that you opted for the more olden way to spell vampire. That's actually a nice change, it fits the medieval theme of your story well. Although much is unsaid, the way you present the story makes me think that it was set in the olden days. But the nuns of the Church are cruel, thankfully the authorities found out before they could burn her.
There's no dialogues or names used in this piece, maybe that's what makes it all the more better. It's pretty refreshing and nice, and it goes in a nice pace. The fact that it's only around 700 words makes it a better read.
Overall, it was a good read, with nice pacing. Keep up the good work. Cheers!
| Electrumwriter chapter 1 . 1/23/2016
Although many have written about vampires, you’re one of the classiest ones – this piece is very brief, but it gets across all the right points.
I wonder where the baby vampyre came from? An incubus or a succubus, perhaps? Anyway, that’s not an important detail. The descriptions of the vampyre maiden are. The vampyre is a special type of monster because it can be viewed as an erotic concept in the way that e.g. a werewolf cannot. Being nibbled by beautiful people is obviously a fantasy for many.
An intimidating detail about her eyes reflecting no light. Eyes are supposed to be windows onto the soul.
Night Maiden – hmm sounds like a supervillain title. Cool. Anyway, I like that she never actually speaks using words, but makes tiny sounds like a bat. I wonder if her rampage would have been averted if she had never been given a taste for blood? Ah well, speculations on what might have been are pointless. What’s to be done about her now? A real hero is needed to take her down.
| LuckycoolHawk9 chapter 1 . 1/22/2016
I really liked the beginning of this piece because it beautifully describes the baby and also explains how she is both perfect and different which is quite interesting. I also really liked how the rumors spread so quickly because it reflects real life quite well and is done greatly. I also really liked the ending because it deals a great deal about her character and shows how vengeful and evil she truly is. I also really liked the imagery in this piece because it is both perfect and unsettling too.
| Victoria Best chapter 1 . 1/22/2016
Wonderful piece. I really enjoyed reading this. This was a well-written, vividly descriptive piece, but also very emotive. I am seriously impressed by this, particularly the ending, which was chilling, and left just the right amount of ambiguity - you don't tell us explicitly what happened in the end, but it is clearly hinted, so this certainly enhanced the piece as a whole and, as a reader, enabled me to imagine the ending, rather than just being told it. The idea itself is great - I love the idea of this girl locked away for so long, now leaving to take revenge on the rest of the town. Like with Sandstorm, I think this could do well as a full-length novel, and you have enough unique, interesting ideas, such as the shadows around them "festering and seething," to work with.
I love some of the lines you use to describe the girl, particularly, "Etched onto her delicate contenance," and "skin as white and impeccable as the surface of an egg." Very interesting that she looks so pale and delicate, yet is, in reality, a monster.
"Remarkably unremarkable in her beauty." I liked this play on words.
Finally, I loved when you describe laughter as the most terrifying sound of all. Another chilling scene and shows the monstrosity of the girl, to be able to laugh in such a horrific situation.
The only thing I would say is that I did not like the description "spread like wildfire." This was a very cliche line and did not fit in with the rest of the unique description in the piece.
Thanks for the read and keep writing!
| Infected Beliefs chapter 1 . 1/19/2016
Haha. Fucking rad.
Ok, I loved the voice throughout the piece. This Romantic period flair you have going; you held it really well (too well, sometimes it felt a bit stiff, but I didn’t mind it). Im ready for a Dracula-esque story. A Frankenstein story. A Monster story. Great prose and narration. No dialogue to speak of, no problem. Loved it.
I don’t understand why you refer to the Governor as guv’nor, but stylistic points to each their own.
Loved the ending, blood and guts will always get you brownie points from me, but I didn’t wholly understand it. This vampire chick has been raised by the church essentially her whole life. Does she just instinctually bust out like: “Yeah, I’m badass and evil”? If she switched mentally to the mindset of being a vampire so quickly and easily, it implies to me that she previously had those thoughts, the time to explore her powers, etc. Growing up with the church, wouldn’t she have been kicked out if they had realized? I mean, sixteen years is a pretty long time to observe someone.
Just thoughts. Loved the piece overall. Hope to snag it in the games again.
Best of luck,
| Myst Marshall chapter 1 . 1/19/2016
First off that is a great ending. You ended it perfectly in my opinion. I kind of liked the way you started from describing her as a child to showing her all Horne without using usual methods like flashbacks or the classic, "16 Years Later." Well done!
A couple of spelling errors. For example, eyes was spelled eys, I suggest that you go back and proofread it. Also, I would like you to keep in mind the literacy of your audience. If you use a bunch of sophisticated words all in one paragraph, it might become an overload to readers.
Otherwise, nicely done. Definitely excited to see what else you have written.
| m. b. whitlock chapter 1 . 1/18/2016
Rg EF #8,194
Hey Tim! Happy New Year!
So fun to be reading your stuff again. Sorry I’ve been away. My life got kinda crazy…;)
Okay, on to the review!
I really like the opening and love how you describe the abandoned babe:
“At first glance she appeared to be just a common babe, but if one looked close enough they would find nary an expression etched onto her delicate contenance, only *eys* as dark as twin raisins and tiny fangs that *portruded* from her pink, puckered mouth.”
I especially like the ‘as dark as raisins’ bit because it gives the color a wrinkly texture that contrasts with the smooth young skin of a baby. It also foreshadows insidious evil below the surface. I wonder if the baby is older than it appears…? Also, you have a few little typos with “*portruded*” instead of ‘protruded’ and “*eys*”.
Really like this part too:
“Upon examining her teeth, the old nuns concluded that she was a babe born not of woman but of the Devil himself and the only thing to be done with her was cleansing by the fire of the stake.”
You give me the image of a male Satan giving birth which is freaky and scary and cool.
Like your use of vernacular here with “guv’nor”:
“the guv'nor of Nosgoth rallied a group of men to put an end to the unholy abomination.”
Very cool ending image!:
“merciless as a dagger being unsheathed.”
You build towards it well by mentioning her fangs several times and mentioning how they are “nail-like”.
| Ckh chapter 1 . 1/17/2016
Rule ten review:
"Slowly her lips parted into a crimson smile as merciless as a dagger being unsheathed." This line seems a tad out of place, maybe jarring even. Of course, the previous one was disruptive also, and I would advise you to merge the two lines into one whole singularity.
That being said, I personally think that this piece carries along the horror short story atmosphere fairly well, and the writing was engaging enough, with descriptions, pacing and such. The piece also depicts vampires scenarios excellently, and I could imagine all these events unfolding in any related novels/mythos.
Great work as always. Keep up the writing!