|Reviews for Shell Out|
| Harmony'sLoveHP chapter 5 . 3/19
Ah, eBay. A blessing and a curse at the same time. I love how expectant he is even though the objects he has for sale are not likely to be valuable in the eyes of others. It shows his desperation to make money. I like that, though, because I feel like we are getting a view of just how desperate he truly is. I also like his dedication to the auctions. It, once again, does show how desperately he needs the money. We need a reason to pity him. If he sells nearly everything and is left with nothing but, say, a mattress, plate, fork, spoon, knife, change of clothes, and a folding chair, then I feel like we will be able to pity him more. Right now, however, I am finding it difficult to pity him if he won't even sell his television.
There's a but, though. If Greg is as desperate for money as he says he is, then I feel like he should be willing to sell the television, the bed (but keep the mattress), and anything else that he does not necessarily need. All of those things can be replaced whenever he gets a steady job, but for the time being, I feel as though he should be a little more willing to part with things that are not necessities. Of course, all of that could just be a part of his character.
I think something that would also be beneficial is a little more interaction between Greg and his friends. Let us see the types of people he likes to be around, the way that he interacts with them whenever he goes out with them. I think that would help the reader to get a better sense of who he is as a person and allow for us to see a side of him who isn't constantly consumed by his poorness.
Your punctuation and grammar are good. I also just realized that this is a humor story (oops), so some of the actions make more sense now. Good chapter!
| Harmony'sLoveHP chapter 4 . 3/19
This was a good chapter, but I'm trying to figure out what the point of it was. I liked the beginning. It allowed the reader to finally know what his father did to make a living. The scene with the officer is what is throwing me. We as the reader know by now that Greg has next to no money. That's been established in the past three chapters, so I'm trying to understand what this chapter is meant to do. It shows that Greg does not keep up on things as well as he should (the dirty car, the expired license), but what else is it supposed to show? Is there a reason for him getting pulled over (other than just showing that he, once again, has no money)? Is it supposed to show that he has a problem with authority? This chapter feels more like a filler chapter, but just adding a paragraph or two about something that we haven't already learned (such as elaborating on Greg's father's job) would help to get rid of that feeling. Maybe make it more like karma is out to get him. He was about to follow in his father's footsteps and karma got him. Something to make it relate more to that second paragraph would benefit this chapter.
Saying that Greg is broke is becoming repetitive. We all know how broke he is, but now what we want to know is what is he going to do about it? How is he going to make himself motivated to stop being so broke? I think now is the time to make the move towards that.
Your chapters are well written, though.
| Harmony'sLoveHP chapter 3 . 3/12
So, now the reader knows more than before about how much Greg is striving to become rich. Although, I do find it odd that he views loans for college as a sign of pity considering he would need to pay those back (with interest, of course). My other questions would be what did his parents do for an income? Did they both work? Did one work? Did neither of them work? I think that adding this information would allow the reader to better relate to exactly what kind of economic situation they were in (besides the description of the house). It would also help the reader to add in the information about the parents of the students at the school. I understand that it is a public school and maybe in a city that would mean something, but where I am from in rural U.S.A., there's a wide range of incomes at the public school (there are no private schools) that I attended. I think that it would help to give his background a little more context.
It was a good chapter. The reader was able to learn a lot about Greg and why he wants to become so successful.
| Harmony'sLoveHP chapter 2 . 3/12
Another great chapter!
As I was reading this chapter, I was trying to get a feel for who Greg is. He is obviously a struggling college student. He seems to have good friendships. He hates his job, which isn't something that is abnormal. I guess one of the things that I'm confused about is even though he hates his job-and I don't blame him-wouldn't he do his best to keep his job so he didn't have to go back to eating chip crumbs, soup, and water? That's not to say he couldn't look for a job that he's interested in while he works at the job he doesn't like.
Maybe this is insight into who his character is. Perhaps he blows off his job the way that he did because that's what he does whenever he wants out of something. Or, perhaps this is more of a reflection on how he was raised. Maybe it's a little insight into who his father is.
Something that may benefit this chapter a bit more is a little more of Greg's inner thoughts. Why did he decide to take it too far with this particular customer? Was it just because he was bored or was it because of something else? At the beginning, it sounded like he was happy because the paycheck was enough to pay for his necessities and to have some left for fun. Why would he want to give that up? I think that having a little more insight into what was going through his mind while he was on the phone with this customer would enable the reader to understand better what it is that he is thinking and feeling. It would help the reader to make more of a connection to the character.
The part that I found the funniest was that the customer is suing the company over the part about the bulldozer and actually believed Greg about the vampires and eating garlic and such.
| Harmony'sLoveHP chapter 1 . 3/11
This was a wonderfully written chapter!
Greg is a character that a lot of people are able to relate to, myself included. As college students, it is difficult to pay for it if you are doing it on your own and Greg portrays that fairly well. Is he still in college at the moment? It appears as though he is, but I just wanted to make sure. One of the questions I have is why aren't his parents helping him with college? Why does Greg want to one-up his father? These are all things that I look forward to exploring as I read on.
I really enjoyed the part about the potato chips. A lot of students live on Ramen noodles, but chip crumbs, soup, and water must be more his forte (I myself am not a Ramen noodle person). This is all too easy to relate too. A lot of a college students money goes to paying for tuition, room and board, and especially books. A lot of meal plans are expensive, so students often choose the cheapest one, which results in not being able to eat at school everyday for every meal. That is accurately portrayed in this chapter. Is the reason he is not living on campus and paying room and board because it was cheaper for him to live off campus? That is one thing that might do with being verified because students can take out loans during school to pay for such things with the promise that they repay them after they graduate, so that would at least make it a little easier on the wallet, although dorm life is not all that it is cracked up to be.
This chapter, to me, appeared to be free of grammar and spelling mistakes, which is a huge thing. It shows that you cared enough to proofread it thoroughly, especially before publishing it as an e-book. That says a lot about an author.
Well done! I can't wait to read more and I will in due time.
| zanybellecloudo chapter 2 . 1/22/2016
Okay this fits the bill of humour totally! Overall a much more intriguing and easily flowing chapter and the silly humour was done well. I would almost be tempted to start with this chapter because it makes you laugh and understand Greg's misfortune and situation. Overall I much preferred this chapter as it was light yet with enough story to hold interest. Also what are the odds that would happen!? Still no vampire so be grateful for small mercies. Haha. Thanks for sharing your work :)
| zanybellecloudo chapter 1 . 1/20/2016
Greg is a very down to earth guy and I like his sensibility. The story provides a good background to the situation, although perhaps not enough of a hook to keep a reader following Greg's woeful life in this chapter alone. The humour seems very subtle, for example some witty dialogue on the phone might have added to the story. Otherwise I can see you put effort in your writing and I hope you continue. Thanks for sharing your work :)