I like that the opening with the conversation through CRATR was something continued in this chapter. It's intriguing to me how you've used this technique to show us the development of this program (if that's the right word for it, haha, apologies) and some of the broader implications of it without having to dump it into the story. Very cool.

The opening scene with Princess and Cal was well crafted. The way he viewed her left me sort of wondering what she needed with an escort, which I liked because it made me wonder if this is just a normal part of the world you're building here. That is an interesting concept. Anyway I love the way it was revealed that this was no standard romantic engagement, the quick mention of the contract but then the subversion when he kisses her and says not to worry about it. He's one to look out for.

Back to world-building for a moment it's superb in this work so far. The setting details are well rendered and vivid enough for me to imagine them very clearly as I read, but not heavy handed or distracting (as someone who tends to skip past long descriptive passages I thought you nailed the balance here). The details you do choose to focus on are interesting and unique enough to feel necessary to comment on, which I love a lot. It all makes it come very alive for me.

As I'm sure you can imagine I'm very excited to see where this story goes re: Cal and Fly Boy (Niel, yes?). Very, very excited :D. And the continued development of the CRATR storyline and how it'll intersect with the relationship story is something I'm looking forward to as well. Ready for more!

Goddamn, this is one of the most engaging reads I've had on this site in a while, I think! I say that because (I was trying not to mention this because it's not usually important, but in this case I think it is) I tend to read outside my preferred genre or topics on this site out of necessity, but this is something I could easily see myself falling into had I picked it up on my own by chance.

I was prepared to be overwhelmed by this from the opening. The code had me like, oh no what is going on here but it was easy enough to move past the obscure (to me, obviously) computer language to what was happening and I thought that was very cool! It had great touches of humor with the "sheet" stuff and how excited they were about their accomplishment. And it was easy enough to pick up on what was going on, so I liked that. As for the opening of the story proper, I ADORE it. That first line had me, so completely, and I knew I was going to love whatever followed somehow just by reading that. AND THEN you follow with him being punched in the face while thinking this and I'm like what what what are you doing, I love it. Very engaging stuff.

That whole scene, by the way, was great, but especially Niel having this conversation while he was fighting. It felt very cinematic in scope, and I loved that quality to it. And it did a great job of establishing the world for the reader, I think. We instantly got a sense of place and time before it was made explicitly clear this is far into the future, and we get a really great sense of Niel as a character AND his preoccupation with this Entertainer already. I thought it was all handled fantastically and managed to be action packed at that.

So to bring it back to the Entertainer, I'm very fascinated by this aspect of the story already which I think shows there is something for many different kinds of readers to get into here. Obviously I prefer to focus on those kinds of details of these stories XD. I liked how frequently Niel thought of him and the repetitious imagery of his eyes and soft hair and thinking about kissing him. I could see it in flashes just like he was. And it was so well rendered. And you've inserted just enough intriguing details about him to have me wanting more and more. Plus I like the idea of Niel being so entranced by (I assume?) a prostitute, that's just sort of up my alley (I know, I know) haha.

Let's see. The bounty hunter stuff was cool too! I can't think of any aspect of this that didn't hold my interest, really, which again I'm so impressed with. I like the melding of what I picture of a bounty hunter of our time with this futurisitic setting, and again, how well established the world of this story is already including the bounty hunting aspects. I wonder seriously about your story planning and how intense it must be, haha, but it definitely pays off. I love this. Can't believe I waited so long to give it a peak!

Wow, what a stylish, intelligent and superbly written story! I did enjoy reading this, it was fantastic. This is publishable quality writing. I love slash, and might even consider reading more of this story, who knows :p First off I love your writing style and techniques, that computer log at the start was very interesting and well done! Makes me wonder if you have experience in computers or something, maybe it's your job. Your writing is very good in this story, your sentences are smart and you're using multiple big words in a sentence that fit well and is really a treat to read. Your main character is also cute and funny, I'm shipping him already, even if I'm not yet sure who to ship him with. Another thing I like is the futuristic setting you've created. You could have done what most sci-fi writers do and invent your own systems and planets, but you've kept it internalized to our own star system and I think that helps us envision it better. Great job with this _

Hello!

Another excellent chapter! I love that, even though it's been a while since I read the first chapter, I never felt lost. You have enough information about the world and the characters so that I was always immersed and following. Really enjoyable read!

I absolutely love the way you have handled the worldbuilding. It's all in easy to grasp chunks - through the interview, through the conversations he has, through descriptions (like the description of the mobile home). By the end of the chapter I really felt I had a much better grasp of the world you are creating and the characters.

Absolutely love the futuristic ideas. They are realistic! Yes! Finally some realistic ideas! I am quite fed up with all of the futuristic fiction about us living like some kind of alien species. This is exactly like I think it will be - just an enhanced version of reality. I love, love, love the idea of the home that can be plugged in and charged. Just brilliant! And again, I could actually see that happening. I mean, we already have hundreds of gadgets that can be plugged in and charged, why not habitats also? :D Also like the idea that there was some kind of filter during the interview to make the presenter look younger. Another unique idea, that I could also imagine happening one day. So much imagination in this piece. Oh, and the strange music that was half-rap, half-scat. Loved that idea too! I'm looking forward to seeing what else you have planned for this world :D

Some lovely writing also, like the description of the princess. Especially liked the line, "In another universe, maybe, he wouldn't have recognised the way..." Really pretty! :) And the paragraph at the end, relating that "everyone was on the hunt for something." Very interesting way to connect the clients together, and felt both meaningful and thought-provoking.

There was also a lovely vulnerability about that last line, that showed Cal for who he really is, I think. So far you're doing a great job with characterisation. I'm looking forward to reading on!

Keep writing!

Opening: I mentioned this in my last review, but the command line interface into is not exactly my thing... there is nothing wrong with it although I'm sure you already know that it appeals to a smaller audience than the other types of sci-fi in this chapter.

Now what does appeal to me is the idea of an artificial habitat elsewhere in the solar system under domes, like the one Angie lives in. That is what immediately got my interest. I think it should be clearer exactly where it is. I think it's one of Jupiter's moons. Cool to know that there is artificial gravity to stop the human inhabitants becoming freaky and frail... but readers like me will demand more and more details of what life under crystal domes is like. The kiss hungry Angie can blush despite living in what is practically an advanced hothouse? I suspect this has to do with the genetic modification that is legal and freely available in this universe. She must have designed to appear like a twentieth century starlet. I'm inferring that Cal is gay so isn't that interested in finer points of her appearance (contrast with how he is with Moustache later) so I think you've pitched the kiss right.

Setting - with the constructed habitats I think many of us would like to know how the much less concentrated sunlight is drawn to the crystal cities and collected and preserved beneath the domes and the system of irrigation works and the synthetic atmosphere too. However, Cal's humble ship home is depicted fully enough. Pretty cool that it has to be recharged at a public recharging station and that it comes with its own robot. The fragments from the tv news both give a sense of what the wider solar system is like, but it's good this time that they're kept brief, because Cal really doesn't take an interest in them. I'm liking the depiction of Flyboy's retro lair as well and the touch of a Saturn sling. I expect there are a number of different cuisines that take their style from where in the solar system they are. Perhaps in the Mercury/Venus zone they prefer their food and booze to be really hot! :o

Character: Cal's sexuality is done well and is consistent. He seems an introspective and mellow fellow in this chapter. While he's mulling things over he would indeed think of Eddy and Fly Boy in a slightly lusty way.
1500 per hour...? I'm afraid we don't yet know the unit of currency this refers to (presumably the bytecoin) nor its precise value, so we don't know if it amounts to an offer of solid gold...!

I wonder why Cal is surprised that Cordelia looks young when genetic modification is so commonplace that to not be genetically altered is weird. With advanced genetic modification it would be simple to remove the DNA that is responsible for our aging. Moustache is well aware of what the technology does.

I like how Cal is a bit scornful of Moustache and his attempts at small talk "2/10!" at first, but by the time they are in the ship he has mellowed towards him enough to want to comfort him about his insecurities. Moustache seems like more of a sensitive man than I would normally expect a bounty hunter to be, but we still know very little of his circumstances and they will be revealed as the story goes on. It leaves plenty of room for development. I like that they sort of identify with one another in their mutual need for companionship that ?night (do night and day apply anymore once you're off Earth?)

Ending: This is a good place for Cal to reflect on Flyboy, Angie and the others given that he will now be on the edge of a dream.

Great point to end the chapter on, especially for the male slash fans here. Cal wants to think of himself as a really tough mercenary, but he has a soft spot in his heart really and the comfort he supplies does not only flow one way. And it built up to this point well, all in all, having started out as haggling for escort / male prostitute services. Cal reminds me a little of Han Solo in that he is not really as hard and mercenary as he says he is. He needs a C3PO to wind him up! :o

So you've got my attention, but this kind of stood out to me in one of the lines of code. If this were actual coding, shouldn't this go from the largest location to the smallest, with coffeemaker 3 as the last part of the path?
... I'll show myself out.

Anywho! So that opening though? For some reason, Princess gives me the shivers. Not necessarily in the bad way, more like an, "oh, I have no idea what to think of her" way. Maybe it's because in previous pieces Princess has always been an ironic name. But in this case, Cal certainly does treat her like one with the glass roses and everything. And you know, I thought he was a gentleman who was respecting boundaries until the contract came up. Which makes me wonder, why do they need a contract? What does this have to do with anything? Definitely something that will appear later though, I have no doubt about that. But the world building! It's brilliant. All these little pieces here and there. Fake gravity that is no less worse than the real stuff. That made me smile, haha.

Ha. Ha. Hahah. I got my answer about what the contract is for, ha. haha. This part of the chapter was a bit slower, but no less interesting. So here we get to see a little more about Cal. He is an escort for the rich, for a way of life. Gives him this extra dimension; we don't get to see these characters all that often. He's not bland, he's more of an enigma so far. What is he doing on Mars? Where will all his other clients fall? Kinda makes you want to root for him, nothing too shady about him just yet. Not gonna lie, Niel from the previous chapter is someone I like a little bit more since he had a bit more of a punch of an introduction.

You know, that took a turn for the better. I fell into the trap you placed for yours readers, that Cal was going to sleep with Manny. But I'm glad that it didn't happen. It's a bit sweet you know, to see that part of Manny fall away even though we've only seen him in a couple of scenes. Not going to lie, the whole bounty hunter thing and ships made me think a bit of Star Wars; kind of have to wonder if Manny is a fraud, a wanna be bounty hunter. Not because of the moment of softness, but because he fits into the bill so well. Cal throws him off his feet with a couple of words, though, when Cal clings to Manny he shows Manny the same softness that Manny allowed him to see.

Kinda just blabbed about characters, sorry, haha. See you around. Thanks for the read!

Going over previous reviews I see that there were a couple reviews that mentioned that the opening was a bit jarring with the way you've formatted. I think that it does cater to those who are more inclined towards computers, but at the same time, it's refreshing. Honestly, it made me really happy and kind of excited to see what you've done with the chat server, and have the constant interjection from the computer trying to debug or insert warnings. Not going to lie, it reminded me a lot of a computer booting up and asking the user to hit space bar is they want to continue, haha.

Oh, the actual opening was not what I was expecting, but it was a lot of fun. In the sense, it caught me by surprise. You start out with a more languid sentence, then say that he was punched in the face. I'm pretty happy about that, haha. Also a scene you'd see in a movie, a guy answering a call while he's in the middle of the fight. For some reason, that already puts Neil on the favorites list.

Well, that escalated quickly. The mental interjections are another technique that I like, it lets us get to know Neil in the moment. He's a pretty calm guy, someone we could see in real life if it weren't for the whole fighting and trying to catch the Target and all. Anyways, it made me really happy to see him forget what he was trying to say, for one, who doesn't that happen to? It's a lot to remember, haha. And Eddie. He's your sidekick, or handler so to speak. He's the one who tells Neil to watch out and effectively saves Neil's life. Gotta say the snark was a piece of work though.

For me the pacing slowed down a little more in the middle, but it definitely picked up towards the end of the chapter. I'm glad that we got to see Eddie and Neil in action a little later in the chapter, where they finally get Klaus. So much for the security robot, huh? And I'm glad we got to see the gun make a reappearance; that's one of my favorite things and something I've missed. How even the smallest of pieces come back to visit in your chapters.

Anywho, I've got to run, sorry for the rambling review. Brilliant as always :)

Hey, it's cool to be reading you guys stuff again! First of all, I really appreciated the computer jargon prose of the intro because it's a unique way to instantly pull readers into the setting and it didn't feel overdone or anything, just a simple yet novel way of introducing the story.

I also really love the world you've crafted for this peice, to me it gives off vibes such as Cowboy Bebop, The Fifth Element, and Tales From The Borderlands all while maintaining a rich sense of originality in the setting. The bounty hunting element seems like a cool trope for your stories and the injections of humor really made this more of a fun lighthearted read.

Finally I loved the dynamic between Niel and Eddy as they feed off of each other in a realistic way with their differences being noticeable and it was a very cool idea to introduce the characters with the fight scene to actually show the difference in their personalities.

An awesome story so far!

Hi! Greetings from the rg! I checked out your site, and damn. It looks hella nice, but I prefer fp's format more, so I'll do both my reading and reviewing here. :)

So Niel and Eddy are bounty hunters? Sweet! I liked how you used an in media res approach to begin your story, although I don't know what's going on, the action attracted me enough to keep on reading as the story unfolded. The girl that Niel kept picturing, is she the Entertainer? She sounds awfully pretty, I'm almost jealous. It took me a moment to realize that the Entertainer is a kleptomaniac man.

You used third person to narrate this story, and everything mostly from Niel's pov, so we don't get much insight about what goes through Eddy's mind. But from how their conversations goes, I gather that Eddy is the brains, the more responsible one, the one who's in charge of planning while Niel is the one who carries out all physical work and the one who risks his life on the line. They must be so far in the future that the whole galaxy is accessible and analog watches are unreadable.

Overall, I like how Eddy is so chill with Niel using a gigolo, the sci fi elements were executed nicely and the mystery regarding the programming code in the beginning. Keep writing!

Is "Niel" pronounced like Nile? That's sort of how I'm pronouncing it in my head, just wondering.

The first intro of the name "Heisenberg" was a little confusing - I wasn't positive it meant the security bot and had to go back to re-read, wondering if it just meant a call to someone else. That can be easily cleared up with just adding in a clause like "The security bot, evidently named Heisenberg..." etc.

The world building of this feels a lot like Firefly meets Carnations' Wake. While bounty hunting isn't the same as a spy agency, I was seeing a lot of parallels in terms of what interests you both as writers! The second scene with taking out Klaus and Heisenberg, in terms of action, could I think be cut down. It's a repetition of the first scene and even Niel points that out - so cutting it down or quickening up the pace might be nice. You have a tendency with repetition when it comes to scenes / chapters that tend to I think, lengthen without really needing to. That's a good example of where there could be trimming.

I'm not quite sure what I think of the "Entertainer" idea just yet - to me the concept seems a little /too/ lifted straight from Firefly, so I'd love to see how they're different, especially because you mention this one was a private contractor. As far as like, hinting at perhaps the romantic figure of this piece though, it does a good job and I do like how Niel keeps coming back, thinking about this man. Loved the repetition with the eyes, as another reviewer stated. But yeah, as the story continues, even the name "Entertainer" capitalized just reminds me so much of "Companion." Add that to a ship with bounty hunters that used to serve as a cargo hold but is now their place of stay, and you've got a lot of those Firefly parallels already coming to the forefront. Nothing totally wrong with that, just can't wait to see more expansion! I think you've got a good edge with the curiosity of how the opening picks up.

Let's see - I did like your action. It shows off research done, per usual. It was a little disorientating right at the very opening paragraphs though - I had no clue what was going on because we were focused on the dialogue and the green eyed man. If maybe something could be added at the end of the first paragraph even about getting a bounty - getting that info in there just a hint sooner, could be beneficial. As soon as I figured out what was happening and it was a bounty situation, I went straight to Carnations' Wake mode and got what was happening :) The convo with the radios was something I think I remember happening even with Jude at the beginning of CW in the 1st chap - started with a distressing situation with Jude, and then he was bantering about how he was screwed, lol. Nothing wrong with that formula though, they do make for very fun action-orientated openings!

Anyway - setting in the action could be a little improved - I'm talking more than just telling us there's an exit door. Touch, taste, sound. All that I think could be amped. BUT but but yeah! I really do like this though and I love the sci-fi and I'm SUPER intrigued with the "chat" opening - especially because I noticed the CRATR link between that and then when Niel and Eddy are speaking later :3 Sci-fi always has tropes of genre, of course, and I love almost a Total Recall meets Firefly vibe here, added in with a CW flair. I look forward to reading more! :D Glad to see you're back at it :) (Also sorry if this felt rambly, I was doing a blend of reading-as-I went and then summing up thoughts, eep)

I have to confess, I skipped past the intro sequence that looked entirely like code. Not my cup of tea, and I'm unsure if you're going for a niche group with that but I would recommend shortening it at the very least. That being said, I consider the actual beginning to be of when Niel is describing the lips and green eyes of somebody he (presumably) loves or cares deeply for. The description is unique and catapults me directly into the story, which I like, while also giving the added bonus of early character development considering that Niel is becoming wistful thinking about this even in the middle of a fight. It shows he truly believes himself to be far more skilled than his opponents, and shows he has been doing this for a long time. You conveyed a lot in such a small paragraph, I like that!

A small detractor, I disliked the fact that he has exact measurements of his adversary Heisenberg (I also don't really like the name, but seeing as how they are clearly German I can let that slide), and I feel that the sentence would make a lot more sense if Niel was only approximating the height (with this being clearly shown). I'm curious as to how Klaus speaks such perfect English considering his nationality does not seem to be, though this is the future I suppose.

Small grammar quip, you need a space between "Eddy's" and "other". Keep up the good writing, I enjoyed this piece a lot! Look forward to more!

Hello!

Let me start by saying that I love your opening line! I love the symmetry with "lips that curved" being matched with "seared when they kissed." Beautiful imagery and drew me straight into the story. Great way to grab the reader :) And was interesting to see this followed by the revelation that he was being punched in the face. I was immediately immersed in the story. This is the way to start a story! My only comment with this is that I did not like the use of the word 'seared.' Seared, for me, implies something painful, and I don't think it's the image you are trying to convey - you're trying to convey something passionate, something magical, I think. Perhaps something like "burned" or "shocked" or something along those lines would be better?

Wonderful world-building throughout the story. I can see you've taken the time to really thin about and develop the world and stay true to the futuristic elements - nothing felt out of place or brought me back down to reality. The only thing I can say about it, which is more of a personal preference, is that I did not like the description of the security bot being "eight feet tall" and "three feet in core diameter." It just felt too precise, too mathematical. It's like I was reading all this lovely prose, then BOOM exact measurements. It threw me a little. You know? I did like, however, the description of the metal coat gleaming.

I also liked the dialogue. It felt short, fast and snappy. I particularly liked the section "I veto the Belt" followed by "want to keep hunting then?" Felt sharp, but also natural, and enabled me to grasp a better understanding of the characters.

Finally, I also liked the subtle humour, like "well, shit" and "fucking klepto." Definitely enhanced the story.

My main critique is that, in some places, it felt like a little too much infoloading. The section from "each known criminal had been given a number" all the way down to "how can you be sure" just felt like unbroken infoloading and felt tiring to read, and I was struggling to keep up with it. Three paragraphs in a row is way too much. Remember you don't need to tell us everything straight away, and also remember that less is always more. Find ways of describing these things in fewer words. One condensed, easy-to-grasp sentence is so much easier for readers to take in than solid paragraphs.

Perhaps this is true for the piece as a whole - felt like it needed a bit of refining. Quite a number of 'too long' sentences, in my opinion, for example the very last line, and a number of lengthy paragraphs. As I said earlier, find ways of saying more with fewer words. And then it will be perfect :D

Other than that, this was a solid read. Thanks for this gem of a read and keep writing!

All I can say it good, now back to normal lol. Of course I want to see more of this story when you write the next chapter for it. The characters had caught my eyes so their personality is quite promising that a fact. So keep up the good work. And their job is not cliche on like some stories I read about.

Personal preference, but the beginning with its command line interface format did not grab me especially as beginnings go. Maybe it is something esoteric... for the other programmers on here? Anyway. Onto the story proper.

Its ambitious and quite admirably so, to work in future tech right from the first. I think that this level of online immersion is something that will be mass marketed in the near future. Everyone will use emoticon-speak then, there will be no excuse to be unaware of it.

Niel is already quite amusing with how casual he is about taking on human guards. No big deal - he can take an online call at the same time. I see a recurrence in themes as well. You definitely find green eyes attractive. I'd be flattered if you had remembered what traits I find attractive, so feel flattered!

The types of security bots alluded to are an intriguing detail as well. If the humanoid versions were old fashioned, what form did they progress to?

I'm already loving the outline of a future solar system colonised and curious to know more details. I wonder if the planets and moons have somehow been terraformed or if everyone lives in great space cities. It makes for a wonderful setting. And whatever the case with the atmospheres, differences in gravity would be inevitable, as they are saying. I suppose all humans who grew up on Mars are very tall and spindly and frail compared to us?

You've measured out the little nuggets of slash erotica well with the reminiscence on the Entertainer. I think that that is a good point for Niel's mind to wander and the slash fans here will appreciate it all the more. I see that the Entertainer is a fellow magpie.

Clouds of red dust is an appropriate scene setting, now that they're on Mars. I think more description of this kind is needed to be honest, such as that of a pink sky, or the massive volcano in the distance.

I also welcome the necktie detail in the second fight scene - stops the fighting from becoming repetitive and it is quite possible that the guards would be so impractical. Such things have happened before... James Bond used to wear a bowtie and dinnersuit before fighting, I think.

The pedant in me craves to know the precise spending power of a bytecoin and all the variables in context, but I'm sure it will become clear as the story progresses. I like Niel's jibe about the live bounty being more profitable. Much better than the cliche "do you feel lucky."