Reviews for The Sons of a Saint
knockmeoffmyfeet chapter 1 . 3/27
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ladytemily chapter 1 . 4/2/2016
Fun story! The choice of relying largely on dialogue made it read easily, and it kept my attention throughout. The reveal at the end was a nice twist, though the ruse does seem elaborate compared to its end result. Maybe if there was some keepsake the bartender had himself that they were after?

I enjoyed your diction and writing style. The opening drew me in with its description, and that phrase about the alcohol drying everyone out was particularly vivid.

Some minor punctuation issues with the dialogue: when it's a verb modifying what's being said, the dialogue should end in a comma and the verb should be lowercase. Came up a few times throughout.

For example:

'I hope tha' don't mean trouble.' rasped a concerned bartender
'Think ya may of had enough there, mate.' Said the barman, cool as anything

Should be:

'I hope tha' don't mean trouble,' rasped a concerned bartender
'Think ya may of had enough there, mate,' said the barman, cool as anything
Victoria Best chapter 1 . 3/30/2016

I like the decision to start this in a bar, allowing us to see the world through Jorrah's conversation with the bartender. Having said that, it is somewhat cliche - I can think of at least three other fantasy stories that begin in a bar. Perhaps start just with the paragraph at the end? Give us that unique image, then a line break or another chapter, and then the scene in the bar. You can still include it, just don't let it be the first thing your reader reads.

Something I noticed is that you tend to say a lot when only a few words will do. "In a very perfect way" can be removed, as can "And was readying them to have nothing." You already have such a strong image with "Alcohol was on the cusp of drying everyone out" that by including this sentence you just kill the image (overkill). Let the words speak for themselves, never overdo it.

Similarly, "He didn't understand what this young, stocky youth meant by play it by" can be shortened right down to "Jorrah didn't understand" or "he struggled to understand." Again, less is always more and in writing, everything should be sharp and succinct. Also a few too many descriptive words, like the "sparsely lit" side by side with "tall, wiry." Be careful of doing this, because again it can get too much description to process - here you are trying to simultaneously describe both the tavern and the woman. I don't think we need the apart about the sparsely lot tavern - we already get this impression.

Another line I caught was the one about the "proprietor's fancies" which again could be cut right down to, "Picking up on this hint, Jorrah spoke of the..."

"Jorrah pulled something from pocket." Is there a missing word here?

I wasn't a fan of, "As he became intolerant to the fact..." The story is in Jorrah's perspective. This is the bartender's perspective. Keep it to what Jorrah can see, so the bartender swinging his rag over his shoulder. He doesn't know what is going on in the bartender's head, only observe his actions.

Aside from those comments, I thought you handled the worldbuilding well, allowing for a clear grasp of the dark, dangerous world the character lives in.

Great characterisation also, particularly Jorrah's story, which I thought was very telling of his character. Great job with that!

The description was also strong. I particularly loved the, "Large yellowing claw" and the "Jarring tale."

Keep writing!
Vladvonbounce chapter 1 . 3/25/2016
I really like a the depth of vocabulary used in your writing. It makes it very sophisticated although this seems a bit at ends with the characters portrayals. I would agree with the main character that understanding the dialect is not the easiest. Although I would assume the bar patrons expressions make more sense to people who live where you are from then they do to me.

I would have liked to have heard the story of how he took on the wild cat rather than just skimming over it. That would have been fun.

Overall it seems quite an elaborate ruse just to get some free food but the ruse itself is pretty clever although i think the bartender would be quite shocked normally if a stranger wandered into their bar and then gave away a memento like that. I wonder what sort of age, setting this is set in?

Also you probably don't need the swearing at the end. No point jumping up your classification for a small bit of emphasis.

Overall an enjoyable read but needs something a little bit more enticing or exciting i think for the ending.