|Reviews for Immortal Mage (Remaking Natyre 1)|
| Victoria Best chapter 1 . 3/14/2016
I think the writing this is wonderful! Had a very magical, almost dream-like quality to it, which I really enjoyed. Some of the lines you used were just gorgeous, like "washed out so he almost blended into the grey," and "whites of eyes blended into grey skin" (although perhaps you would like to mix them up a bit, because those two lines were very similar). I also liked, "before her mother's lips could bite them shut."
The dialogue was also powerful, especially at the end here. I really love the sentence "did you fail?" "I didn't pass." "Isn't that the same thing?" That's wonderful dialogue! It says so much about both characters, the way they both see the world. There is a direct contrast between Thyra seeing the world as "pass or fail" and her mother seeing it as "pass, don't pass" and then going on to explain how important failing is to appreciate the gains, which shows both of their attitudes to life. As well as showing character, this was also a deep, thought-provoking, meaningful piece of writing. Loved it! I hope to see more from you like this!
I also liked the premise of the story as a whole. I think you've got an interesting idea here, and I hope it goes down the route of Thyra learning magic and becoming a magician. Perhaps travelling the world with that relative? That would be a great plot I think, certainly very original. Looking forward to seeing where you are going to go with this!
There are a few things that baffled me in the story, however. Where is this set? Where are these countries? In a fantasy world? Or in our world? I'm just curious because it was never expanded on throughout the story, and I have only realised that this is a different world from your A/N. I think this is so important, the fact that you are setting this in a totally different world, so it is quite interesting that it doesn't seem to be mentioned. The only time I saw it being mentioned was "there isn't a square of Natyre that doesn't hold the dead..." I thought when reading this this that 'Natyre' was just a fictional place, not a whole country. Perhaps expand that part to make it clear this is what you meant! :)
Also, for me, learning about fantastical worlds and countries is way more interesting than learning about the characters, like in Game of Thrones I'm not really fussed about the characters, I just love learning about Westeros. You know? So for a reader like me it felt a bit cheating to realise that this is set somewhere completely different. Obviously don't just tell us about the world, but you can definitely show us by hinting at some architecture or landscape, because we don't even know what type of land it is - dry and rocky, woodlandy, etc, and so it was hard for me to picture the setting. There are so many questions left, like whether this is even a realistic world, or something totally radical, like with your own animals and flora. I would have liked at least some hints. Maybe when the man talks about the temperature of Natyre, that would be a chance to bring in a line about weather and landscape. "He's right. The sun here always beats to a grain the rocky landscape..."
Finally, my only other issue is with the character's age. I was surprised to see she was only seven. (Am I right in thinking this or did I misread?) With the very gorgeous language used throughout the story and the intense dialogue, she came across as a lot older. Why would she know what irony is at her age? Why would the man be talking to her so freely about "ashes of death"? That line about magic being like water threw me as very mature for someone aged seven to say, as did a few other lines, like "I didn't mean to presume you were dead." Hmm. Not sure. Maybe increase her age? She should be at least thirteen, I think. I'm only speaking from personal experience with my own siblings and how they talked at age seven.
I did really enjoy this though and I am curious to see where you are going to go with it. Thanks for the read! Keep writing!