|Reviews for Rising Tides|
| Victoria Best chapter 3 . 3/23/2016
Be careful of explaining things. I don't think, "Buttercup was a very old horse," needs to be there. Is Buttercup really important to the story? If not, this line can go. Try to shave off as much as you can - less is always more. Another example would be the dialogue. There is a lot "yes" or "mm" when, instead, it might speed up the pace of you just told us "she agreed" or "she nodded." You don't always have to put in dialogue. The dialogue in this is quite long, but as a general rule it should never go over about a page (like of a Word document). Go through and see if you can tighten things up :)
Anyway, I like the interesting dynamic here, with Erin, Lydia and Aidan. Am I sensing a bit of a love triangle going on here? And Carver just adds even more complexity. I wonder who will end up with who! Interesting dynamic!
I really Carver. He's very strange, and I like that, sets him apart from the other characters and makes him memorable. I think you've done a good job with characterisation there. I'm just thinking though, did he talk like this (lassies and yers) in the previous chapter? I didn't notice, so maybe go through and add this in to make it clear that he speaks like this.
I'm just wondering why the characters would be going riding before the wedding? I'm picturing a medieval like world in your story, and I know that in medieval times like months before a wedding princesses would be being prepared all day every day. Was a massive deal. So I wasn't sure why they had all been allowed to leave just before it. Maybe put this a few days before the wedding? Not the wedding day itself?
Finally, be careful again of telling us things, like "She wanted to go riding as soon as possible so she couldn't be stopped." Show us this through her excitement, her movements (running) etc.
| Victoria Best chapter 2 . 3/22/2016
I really liked the ending, with the mysterious Carver. I think you handled that really well, the mystery, the intrigue, and the impacting ending. Certainly an ending that made me want to read more! Gave me a lot of things to think about.
I also liked the way you showed Lydia's relationship with Erin. They are clearly very close. Some nice lines in this also, like the description of the sky being purple and red and the use of the word "darkening." That was a nice, rich description.
Again, be careful of telling rather than showing. One example would be the line stating, "Now that she was a teenager, she was being pushed to wear..." Show us that she is being pushed to be a lady, don't tell us. Same goes with the tight dress - show us it was uncomfortable, don't tell us.
Anyway, nice chapter. Keep writing!
| lookingwest chapter 5 . 3/17/2016
Yeah, it is weird to me that we get Lydia's limited here, and then she dies. I think for consistencies sake, I'd bring her in a lot earlier into the novel with a perspective. I also might title the chapters with the heading of whose head we're in. If you are planning to jump around in multiple heads for the whole novel, that technique could be fruitful. Once again I like that you mess with my expectation. It's a bummer that Lydia dies (if that's true) - I really liked her perspective this chapter and I liked that she suspected that something was up with Carver. I wasn't really getting that vibe but this plot bunny makes me think that you're foreshadowing a more complex character with him beyond just an average villain, so well done if that's the case. Enjoyed the foreshadowing. Thanks for the afternoon read.
| lookingwest chapter 4 . 3/17/2016
It's bizarre to me that Aiden and Erin are so casually able to propose and accept with one another - shouldn't parents be involved at all in this type of society? Isn't it not Erin's choice? How can Aiden just bypass Erin's parents and ask Erin directly? I wasn't entirely convinced about that facet of this world building. Think Pride & Prejudice again - I mean, even Darcy has to ask Mr. Bennett for Elizabeth's hand. So maybe more clarity on the parent thing would be worth adding into the opening scene.
Pacing was again, very fast in this chapter. I think there are moments that could use scene breaks instead of using narrative transition. For instance you've got moments where you go "In the next few hours" or some such lines - and instead of transitioning that way, I'd just cut a scene, and start the next. It could help the pacing more. I also felt like at the end, Erin was very emotionally distant from Aidan's death - we don't really get her screaming or struggling that much, it just sort of happens and we're again, /told/ that she's feeling upset and sad, but it's not shown. There's also a weird spot where the paragraphs aren't separated - but that's just an editing thing.
I have to say you did mess with my expectation - I didn't think Carver was going to do that in this chapter, or Aidan die, so well done with throwing the story in a different direction than I thought it was headed.
| lookingwest chapter 3 . 3/17/2016
You're missing a quotation on the very first line of dialogue that opens this chapter. I was a little confused about why Lydia was sleeping this far in the day when the wedding is in four hours - and Erin didn't really provide a good explanation for why Lydia was sleeping - was she sleeping /in/ that late, or was she only napping? Maybe I missed something but it felt a little odd, narratively/time-wise.
I feel like the transition between them at the inn and then the wedding is too quick - the pacing of the wedding really occurs in only one "told" paragraph that again, lacks detail with the showing - and the fact that we've been building up to this wedding for two chapters and it's glossed over in such a way was a bit of a disappointment. I feel like the wedding itself and the reception (? it was unclear where everyone was setting-wise when Erin gets up and leaves and goes searching for Aiden) could've been actually one whole chapter in itself. Uncertain why the voices suddenly turn into italics when Erin overhears Carver and Aiden, too. Is that supposed to be signifying something that is more than just /talking/? Usually italics are reserved like that for telepathy. Not sure about using it in normal convo.
The casual sexism by the men in this chapter is unfortunate, but realistic. I think I lost respect for Aiden big-time when he threw the "You're a woman so you wouldn't understand" line at Erin. Ugh, what a butthead. He needs to undergo a bit attitude change throughout this novel to get me to like him again, ha.
| lookingwest chapter 2 . 3/17/2016
The opening felt like a lot of telling instead of showing - you're telling us how Brianna feels and we're supposed to just know that that's stressful, but you're not really showing it via dialogue and Brianna isn't even in the opening scene between Erin and Lydia - why not just cut out the details about Brianna and begin with your limited 3rd focus, which appears to be Erin? That was also what I was wondering - it seemed like this story is told in omniscient - but I think those moments are actually slipups?
The whole set up with Carver looking out for Aiden by being mean to Erin is interesting - it reminds me a lot of Pride & Prejudice. I was feeling those vibes in this chapter and I liked that because I like it see stories that have conversations with other texts. Intrigued by Carver. Good job with the end scene.
| Victoria Best chapter 1 . 3/17/2016
I think you've got an interesting premise here and I like the characters so far, especially Erin, who comes across as a smart, likeable protagonist. Graham is also a character I will be keeping an eye on. Fun group of interesting people set up here and I'm looking forward to seeing how the dynamic changes.
The narrative, however, could do with some work. You spend a lot of time telling us who the characters are, rather than showing us. In writing, nothing should be direct, everything should be shown through dialogue, or hints, such as body language, etc.
Also, I think this should start much later than it does. Before the story gets going, we get three paragraphs, just of description. Why? I would recommend just starting with, "The tide is coming in, isn't it?" An opening needs to be grabbing, not dull, and this didn't do it for me. Remember how picky literary agents have to be - if your story does not grab in the first line, they will click off. There will be time for description later, not now.
| cynthiamonica chapter 5 . 3/16/2016
wait, what? No, no no no no no. No. No Lydia is not dead right? she can't be. please don't let her be dead! I love hr character and Graham doesn't know she loves him! she can't be dead :(
btw, great chapter, I really liked seeing it from Lydia's perspective.
but she isn't dead, right? right?!
| cynthiamonica chapter 4 . 3/16/2016
It is that I already knew what was going to happen but still it suprised me. I love how you changed it and love your writing style. Also because I know what is going to happen I still like Carver better than Aidan. Keep it going and update soon!
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 3/16/2016
I didn't like the use of flowery language in the first two paragraphs - words like "liquid" instead of just saying water, or "curiously devoid of features" - why is it curious that the sun is setting? it happens everyday? Or "amber and gold" sunset - it seems to visualize the same thing - what's the difference between amber and gold, really? I also didn't understand how Erin could have the "image" of her and her three sisters sitting there, if she's looking out at something else - it's unclear what she's looking at so there was some narrative dissonance between the limited and the actual writer. I liked that the three sisters were distinctive from one another because that's hard to do when you're introducing so many main characters at once, so well done!
| lupin95 chapter 1 . 3/13/2016
I likey. Pls continue..:P
| Kalliope Lancret Moonchild chapter 1 . 3/15/2016
Hey it's trin just an fyi anyway great story I am in love with the details you have given it is amazing reading onward
| whispers of lowlit flames chapter 1 . 3/15/2016
Hi! And welcome to the RG!
[At the water's edge, just where the waves didn't touch and the sand was dry. Three girls lay.] - that sounds like one sentence rather than two, ie. "...the sand was dry, three girls lay." Aside from that, interesting beginning: you captured the setting and the characters of the scene as well. I would recommend though, following that, that you be a little more judicious with your descriptions. Things like elder/younger have no meaning when looking at something in a picture, as it's more a moving concept. And this initial scene, with setting and character but without concept to expand it right yet, functions as a snapshot still. Physical descriptions are great. Things like elder and younger involves us needing to know the relation between them first, which comes at the end of that paragraph in "Erin and her sisters. Together." The way you've presented that first paragraph, I still don't know which sister is which, just that Erin is not the eldest of them. If the other is slightly younger than the eldest, she could be older or younger than Erin, so that hasn't told me anything.
[the water creeped up to tickle her barefeet] - dunno if this is british vs. america, but creeped or crept? Regardless, I really like the image you capture here. The bit that comes after doesn't add much to it, and on the whole you've written the chapter in a way where you can easily trim down: repitions, afterthought images etc.
Interestig how you've avoided "she said" or something similar int the first paragraph. Though going back to what I said earlier, "She replied. "The tide is coming in" - you don't need the "She replied" in there, since the dialogue speaks for itself. However, the dialogue is mispunctuated in parts of later scenes, eg. "Remember." He would whisper" should be "Remember," he would whisper. It's the difference between the speaker tag being part of the dialogue sentence, or a sentence that can stand without the dialogue. There are a few non-dialogue sentence with similar punctuation, like the first sentence.
You show distinctions between the three sisters quite nicely in their dialogue, however their descriptors still give confusion. For example. "He was trying to say she was the older one" - but the first paragraph ruled out Erin as the eldest, since she was between the eldest and the other one, so she she simply older than Lydia but younger than Brianna (in which case, where is Brianna's involvement)...though it looks like it's a consequence of Brianna's marriage proposal, later on. It'd be worth clarifying that though.]
The chapter has good coverage as well: Brianna's marriage isn't the main plot but (perhaps?) a setting of the stage and so you don't meander on it. The setting isn't so well described though: you have the current scene: the beach, and the dinner table, well drawn, but the world as a whole? I needed the genres to see it was a fantasy novel, and though you mention the castle and Erin's father as the king, it was somewhat fleeting and easy to miss. Things like that can really change how the character and scene are read, so might want to stand out a little more.
Interesting story! And good luck in future chapters.
| cynthiamonica chapter 3 . 3/15/2016
Great chapter! For some reason I find Carver more likeble than Aidan, don't know why... Anyway, keep it going, its really great!
| Be My Valentine chapter 1 . 3/15/2016
Hello, fantasy author! What a compelling tale do thee spin. I couldn't ask for any better. Three sisters, each with distinctive personalities and a great style, which makes this such a smooth read and make me realize, I'm in the hands of a capable writer! My favourite bit of this chapter, is also the longest paragraph! I was fascinated by the tale of how Erin, Briana and Lydia's parents met! Sounds like something nasty befell the mother, but she was made to forget it! Brilliant description when you mentioned how Erin sometimes saw a strange shadow in her eyes. I like the bond between everybody (even Graham!), though it seems Briana is being split from the troupe. I hope her new husband isn't a Bluebeard type fellow *smirks*
If I were to offer any constructive criticism, it is purely on punctuation. In the first paragraph, where you said : [At the water's edge, just where the water didn't touch and the sand was dry. Three girls lay."] You could make that one sentence. Take out the period, and replace with a comma. This happened at least two other times, but only minor! At the very least, your prose is excellent, and I'm going to favourite now!
Another thing, you sometimes do is inaccurately punctuate dialogue.
["I'm retiring for the evening." Said Erin curtly.]
Said (and all it's variations) are dialogue tags, used with commas.
Above instance, should be : "I'm retiring for the evening," said Erin curtly.
Rest assured, I will follow this story like a shark scenting blood. You can't shake me now! You've gained yourself a new fan :)