|Reviews for Travelling Light: A Slight Detour|
| Guest chapter 12 . 12/7/2016
I liked your story. Alice is badass.
| SForces chapter 2 . 7/22/2016
You're still doing good here. I am starting to see a trend. You rushed a little bit here in this chapter as well.
I felt the scene with her mother was written well, could use a little bit of elbow grease but it was one of the best scenes I have read thus far in your story. When you were describing the city you were again telling us, not showing us. I imagine when describing a city that I'm walking through Whiterun from the gates to the castle. What do you see? You see the people, the shopkeepers working hard to produce goods. You walk through the market and you see them hustling to try and make enough gold to buy their morning bread. THAT is the kind of immersion that can take your story from, good attempt to fantastic. Don't tell me what kind of people live in each of the rings. Let Toby tell his spiel while you are walking through the city and showing us what he is already telling us.
Make us feel like we could visit the city one day and see everything you have shown us in this passage. Also, when you get to the part of the mansion, it seems kind of lackluster. I didn't really see what the mansion looked like much. It could use some work there.
Remember a good story sucks a reader in and forces them to live in your world.
| SForces chapter 1 . 7/22/2016
Impressive start to the story. I enjoyed reading it. I noticed you did well with dialogue, not an easy thing to do from what I have read. There were some grammatical errors along the way. For example whenever you "..." you need to put a space before typing again and you need to capitalize the next word.
I also noticed in many occasions you told us what was happening but did not show us what was happening. I have a couple examples for you.
You lead up telling us that these two are mercenaries and about the different countries and when you have a chance to test if the reader is paying attention, you give him the answers he needs.
"Emilia knew they weren't on the lookout for mercenaries - still she breathed uneasily" Paraphrasing of course. That sentence does nothing for the reader. It doesn't really build up suspense. It doesn't really build up excitement. If the reader is to believed to know that the two are mercenaries, and we already do from the backstory. Then you have to trust that we are smart enough to put two and two together. Don't tell us that sentence. Show us.
Show us she is approaching these two guards, her heart starts to race, her breathing is short. Her eyes are darting around, examining her surroundings in case a battle breaks out. Her hands get sweaty. Show us she is worried. Then the reader will go "Why?" They will think to what we have been told and go "Oh they're mercenaries and she is worried they may get caught!" It builds a more immersive experience.
You also tell us three guards stood at the entrance, looking bored. What does "Looking bored" look like? Picture it in your head for a moment, then delete that sentence and type what you're picturing RIGHT now. It will bring the reader deeper into your story.
Eight soldiers lay dead, covered in blood and dirt. Have you ever seen a dead body? Has your reader? It's horrifying. Maybe not AS much because these two have seen dead bodies before. But by saying they lay dead covered in blood and dirt, I feel like you're over simplifying it. Bring your reader in. Describe the horrified looks on the soldiers faces. The bloody cuts, the drained eyes. Show us eight dead bodies!
Let's be honest after reading the backstory of your world, the reader needs to be rewarded. Reward them for reading through the setting by giving them a wonderfully written scene of imagery followed by a wonderfully written action scene.
Keep up the good work!
| BradytheJust chapter 12 . 6/26/2016
(Are you sick of my reviews yet? Although I wouldn't blame you if you said yes)
Well this chapter was a good wrap up to a great story. Alice being alone, especially after she found Nick, was heartbreaking. :'(
Congrats, you made me cry!
The only real complaint I have was Toby and Ine's relationship. Call me a hopeless romantic but I felt like their romance took a bit of a backseat to all the political and magical intrigue. Other than the one steamy scene it kinda felt like their romance was announced, but never really did anything for them because we never really saw it. So I would have liked to see Alice walk in on them making out or maybe a chapter devoted to them and their growing relationship personally, but that's just me.
I'd like to keep following Alice for the next arc because seeing a nation prep for war is always exciting, and since you write action scenes so well I would like to see some big battles! Plus struggling with dis empowerment can really open doors for your character. Plus after what Treyce did I really want to let him rot in jail for a few months. (Let me punch him... please!)
Anyway another wonderful chapter and I eagerly await the next arc! :D
| BradytheJust chapter 11 . 6/25/2016
I'm actually shuddering right now, the tension was that real! You really have a knack for writing political intrigue, and it's impressive.
Ivanna's plot was very well thought out and explained... smuggling a bomb into the King's hands. Wow, just wow.
I would have liked to see the duel between Alice and Ivanna last a bit longer, because it seemed like it was over a bit too quickly for the buildup. But that's just me.
Wonderful job! :)
| BradytheJust chapter 10 . 6/19/2016
Holy mother of mercy!
I really want to punch Treyce in the face right now. Smuggling dangerous (though fake) weapons and the secret of Azura's magic! Why does he want a war so badly!
I really liked the line "Alice's face went through a quick series of bizarre transformations" Going from emotion to emotion at that speed... it really helped show the tension surrounding the trial and the new discoveries. I also loved the bit at the beginning where we got inside Treyce's head, it was a nice change of pace.
Amazing chapter as always! :D Keep it up!
| BradytheJust chapter 9 . 6/11/2016
Oh my... I think my mind just exploded.
The trial in particular was well written and held all the action and wordplay as a good debate. The arguments and counter arguments were slung hard and fast, and I felt just as anxious as Alice and Nick.
Well Treyce is attempting to start a war... didn't see that coming at all.
Also Toby's reaction to Poppy and Ine being Falcians was a real showing of his character, and also of the "lumping in" that humans do to a group "All Falcians MUST be assassins/mercenaries/evil."
I can't wait for the next chapter! :) You're doing a wonderful job, so keep it up!
| BradytheJust chapter 8 . 6/5/2016
Well this was an interesting chapter!
Well Alice might have a love interest... she deserves Nick in my opinion, not "some liar who sends cryptic messages using a bottle of wine."
I also never would have guessed Poppy was that good with a mace, although I would like to see Toby get into a fight... maybe a fight saving Ine? That'd be romantic.
Well Alice finds herself in court again, but with 'Lord Frostwyrm" on her side treating the court like puppets, I think she'll be fine.
Great chapter as always and keep it up :)
| BradytheJust chapter 7 . 5/19/2016
Well this was another wonderful chapter. :)
The romance scene between Ine and Toby was well written, although I personally wish it had been longer and it might have been more effective to have it start at the beginning (maybe with a first kiss, then the makeout) rather than having us dropped in the middle. Those are my suggestions as a romance writer and reader. ;)
Having Alice react to Treyce and his new characteristics was wonderfully written, and I liked seeing Alice vent her rage on the Topiary. Destroying stuff is always a good way to vent rage!
Well now it looks like we have a flashback to the first book and Alice is on Trial again. Hope she makes it out alive.
Also as a request from me, because I'm sure you owe me one at this point. Please keep Toby and Ine together! I want Ine to be happy and Toby really seems like a good man for her and a good friend or Alice! ;) Keep them together please!
Great job as usual!
| BradytheJust chapter 6 . 5/9/2016
Did not see that last bit coming... I do like how you put the last sentence in the middle of the page, it really drew my eye to it.
I liked the whole atmosphere of the party. I can say from experience that parties are very hard to write, and making them seem like a party not just a gathering of characters. You did a good job describing the food and the dancing and the gowns. I almost wish I were invited!
The conversations were written in-depth and really well and it showed the personalities of the characters.
Great job and I can't wait to see what happens next!
| BradytheJust chapter 5 . 5/5/2016
Ooh! :D Fountains in the heat... you know I've always wanted to dive into a fountain and squirt people...
But enough about me, this chapter was pretty good. I liked the introduction of a new character, and as I adore the color blue I loved Ivanna :)
It was nice to get some more background info and it was a good preparation for the party. I can't wait for the next chapter! :) Keep it up!
| BradytheJust chapter 4 . 5/5/2016
This might be the best chapter yet! :D
Well the tension between Alice and Mrs. Dawler is wonderful to read and you write it really well. I also loved the crossbow designs... kinda like a machine gun crossbow. Do you think Toby could make me a crossbow-axe como? ;)
The scene with Alice examining herself, and the humor with working the bellows was well written. Plus Brevan might have... noticed how well her armor compliments her backside. ;D
Plus Ine and Toby alone for a night... ooh steamy!
Wonderful job as usual, keep it up!
| BradytheJust chapter 3 . 5/1/2016
Well I know all about having a protective mother...
Oh seeing Mrs. Dawler and Alice team up on Toby and Ine was a gigglefest for me. :)
I liked how you also added in the scene at the armory, and I have a suspicion that those crooked merchants will come up again. It really added some more humor after hearing about what happened to the patrol.
I also liked the lines "A person had nothing but their reputation" and "A warrior only lasted as long as the fight did, after victory a warrior turned into a civilian" Wonderful word choice!
Keep it up! :D
| BradytheJust chapter 2 . 5/1/2016
Well at last I am able to sit down and catch up on your story.
I re-read the first chapter and then got right into this one. First off Ine and Toby have to get together, I like not only using their relationship for Ine, but also how Alice might lose her sister "by choice"
I think my favorite part of this chapter was seeing Alice confront her mother's ghost. You had fantastic imagery and amazing word choice there. Especially the mantra about the mind, that's true for all aspects of life. Things only enter when we let them.
Also having Ine react to Poppy being a challenger... that made me laugh like a madman. :)
Wonderful job Menea. Keep it up :)
| BradytheJust chapter 1 . 3/23/2016
Well you're back and you've certainly hit the ground at a full sprint!
The descriptions were spot on, and I really liked the first scene as the girls woke up and Alice looked through the book Treyce gave her. It was really heartfelt and the emotion was evident.
As always the battle scene was perfectly written and I can't wait to see where this goes!