|Reviews for Life of Rick|
| handna95 chapter 1 . 4/30/2016
Hey cool story!
I really like the idea of an older man having a boyish disposition due to something or the other. It reminds me of my own grandfather. I think you can expand on this a TON more. There is so much more to being innocent than asking questions, and I think you can add to this once you figure out what else Jim has to offer in terms of innocence.
As for Rick, I didn’t really get much from him besides that he’s a jerk to old men, which isn’t cool. If you’d like to make him more loveable, then totally do that! Or if you want to make the reader hate him, do that too. Right now, I’m a little indifferent about who he is and what he does. Both characters can stand to be characterized a little bit more so I can really connect with them and feel more emotion when reading.
| BookReader412 chapter 1 . 4/7/2016
You have a very grade school level of English you should really work on that
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 3/22/2016
["4:30 couldn't come fast enough for him, he decided."] Get rid of "he decided"
["A wealth of experience that had been lost, to be replaced by..."] Get rid of "that had been lost, to be"
["...I've done yet", another sigh.] Try: "...I've done yet." He sighed.
Watch out for your passive voice - "had been lost" "had taken" "had decided" "had gone by"
There's a weird moment where this story goes into what might be a limited perspective from Jim - "Jim searchED Rick's eyes for a light of confirmation. Surely Rick must know, he was the one taking care of him after all" (btw, needs a comma after "him") But I'd cut that or rewrite it. This is Rick's limited, not Jim's. There's tension in the narrative right there. Maybe just cut the "Surely" line. Get rid of "He asked again" - we know he asked again - he said "Do you, Rick?" and ended it with a question mark. Again, the perspective seems to switch to Jim with "all sense of inquisition gone from his mind." Reword.
I feel like I've read this before, from some other author - just in terms of subject/theme. Yes, life's monotonous. What of it? Rick's bored, I'm kinda bored. I want more. If you're going for a flash fiction, you've got a good knack for scene here, but we need some sort of characterizing reason for us to really care about Rick or any of this. One thing you might want to do is follow the flash plotting formula: inciting incident, memory, present conflict, resolved conflict. You've got some of this going already.
What could be used here is the "memory" aspect, though, to give us a taste of more characterization - some past incident Rick is thinking about spurred by his indicting interaction with Jim at the start. Maybe it could go around "He pitied him" - I think short form generally can get up to 1k. Or cut the third and fourth paragraph up from the bottom and just skip from "Do you, Rick?" To "Beep beep!" for the ending. Then we never actually hear Rick's response and it's shown that his response doesn't matter. Life goes on. Nothing Rick says to Jim is going to change anything, da da da, et cetera.
I like the dialogue content here, though. I think the opening starts out just where it should. I'm not typically a fan with openers that are on dialogue but here it works great. Well done.