Okay, now this I like...

The same as with your recent update of Heart of a Dragon (Which I hope you continue by the way) This chapter reads more into the potential you have as a writer, the flow is nice, the choice of words and names are very interesting, and the setting united with your summery make for an air of mystery that is always a good thing when writing a novel.

A little bit of constructive criticism I would like to offer you, is maybe go a little deeper into why Glaxiar attacked Nirvanna. It was clear he was being controlled, that point was well driven and explained, but maybe go into a little more detail (You know I love detail) into how he is feeling, maybe have his aura change, his mind slowly being wiped of all thought, or maybe have him resist a little. Details like this can make a good story into a great one, which I feel you have on hand here.

I will certainly fave and follow here, I really hope you update soon.

So far im interested however this feels a lot like im reading one of jays due to your writing works but I can tell a difference seeing as your's a little bit more dark, I believe if you are going for that dark feel that you should be more descriptive about wounds and the environment and creatres they in mainly focusing on this like lighting of the secenery and texture of things like skin and fur and adding little added details about there movements.

If your not going for the dark feel then my only criticism is that first one about style, other than that I'm willing to tick with this story will go seeing as it is in the world of arden

Hi Alex, I see Jaye has let you ravage- Ah, sorry. /Create/ some of her world?
Well, then.

This is really good, although it is evident that you and Jaye have a similar writing style, did you help her write the latest chapter of HoaD by any chance?

Well, grammatically there are a few errors here and there, and some incorrect formatting.
I just feel sorry for Nirvanna... Where are you going with this?

~Theo

Very interesting piece. I commend you on your efforts.

I'll just start off by speaking of some problems I spotted in it. It's nothing too major, but multiple times I noticed the occurrence of comma splices, and your semi colon use isn't always correct. Many times your independent clauses are separated by a comma whereas it should be either a period of semi colon. As for your semi colons, which should be used to link two independent clauses, I observed it being used to link an independent clause and a dependent clause. Your sentence "The black bird fell back with exhaustion; the deed was done" is a correct use of the semi colon, but this wasn't consistent throughout your writing. It's just something to look out for here.

Your use of "the dragon" seems somewhat repetitious. It wasn't much of a problem as you still got the idea across, but substitutes such as "the beast," "the creature" or simply "he" or "she" would have sufficed. Adapting a new word that can substitute another with the same meaning helps to keep a story flowing and clean.

Now, moving onto what you did well.

I especially liked the descriptions on facing the jaws of a dragon you placed on the Vernox. While you could have expanded on such a small bird's emotions when facing this tremendous predator, it probably wasn't the main focus of the story and so I would say you conveyed that desperate feeling in the situation well, with the dragon's head "looming over" and with "glinting, dagger-like white teeth." It really goes to show the ferocity of these beings before we even delved into the main plot. Impressive.

In fact, I have to say your descriptions throughout this chapter are all quite admirable. I really think you could have gone into far more detail and allowed us a clearer picture of the dragons and their surroundings, but I am content and satisfied with what you have shown me so far. This is one of your strengths. Keep at it.

I wonder what is was that had clouded up Glaxiar's thoughts and drove him to kill his sister. The ability of yours to leave us readers awaiting for more with a suspenseful conclusion in this chapter is also deserving of praise. Was it himself that had clouded his own thoughts? Was it an outside force? What did Nirvanna mean by "I wish I could have told you the truth"? It is most effective to create a suspenseful conclusion by asking these subtle questions to the reader. We might not realise this after finishing the chapter, but these questions have already been embedded within us. A clever method indeed.

Overall, a pleasing attempt. You have room for improvement but also potential. Keep up the effort and your writing ability is sure to advance.

Ah, Jaye gave you permission to annihilate the place, then? I hope Glaxiar can find out the monster responsible for this. I thought Nirvanna was going to be a dragon elder or something, figuring she was short but had all those horns, so it was age, but I'm not sure if she's that much older than her brother. Umm, graphic fight scene, too, I feel bad for Glaxiar.

Thats dark! But interesting. I wonder whats taking control of the dragons?!

Hi i like your teams styles of writing. no constructive advice though. but keep it up!:)