|Reviews for Plastic Wonderland|
| dmasterxd chapter 1 . 2/12/2017
Boring and uninteresting plot and one-dimensional characters. Very bad story, keep trying.
| HybridStories31 chapter 1 . 2/2/2017
The story reads well and moves at a fast paced. While being fast paced, the story still holds onto much descriptions and imagery.
A few things with setting, this is a orphanage the assembly line doesn't really fit. Or at least is doesn't me. Maybe add more details as to why there is an assembly line like are they creating or putting things together for the general population? Is it a factory type deal with live-in child workers? Adding some more details about that situation would clarify the story a bit. Or maybe I am just missing that.
But truly good pace, imagery, and dialogue. The dialogue is very personalized and realistic, which can be hard to find on here sometimes. The dialogue is expressive and adds to the story, rather than dragging it down.
| Victoria Best chapter 1 . 8/9/2016
I love the concept of the story - this chilling orphanage of injured children with the insane Mr. Gep at the heart of it. There is a lot of character development with the main character and Chio also, which I enjoyed. That ending with the "tell tale twitch of his prosthetic nose" was excellent, a great cliffhanger, and was a twist I did not see coming.
There is some brilliant writing in this. I enjoyed the "blanket of anxiety" and the "stench of burnt flesh" and "I felt as much as heard the snapping of his neck." My favourite part was definitely the use of the cattle prod as a weapon - very unusual and worked well.
I have a few comments about the piece. I disliked the opening sentence, because "walking around like someone owns the place" is too cliche and starting a story with a cliche isn't recommended. It's also quite a long sentence broken only by two commas, which is also off-putting. There are a lot of these run-on sentences, including the sentences that start with "his face was a bloody mess" and "despite my absolute weariness." The sentence beginning with "the other children gathered" could be chopped up too.
Your sentences also get somewhat overloaded with imagery and become a mouthful to read. One example would be "justified of not, the sadist..." I would recommend getting rid of the "derive pleasure" and just simplifying the sentence down as much as you can. Less is always more. Another example is the "the sorter gnashed and hissed..." Count the amount of verbs and adjectives used here. It's far too many.
There is also an unusual choice of tense near the beginning, with the "my mom had sent me" and "I hadn't cried" and "she had sold." Why not just "my mom sent me" and "I didn't cry" and "she sold?" Slipping randomly into the 'had' tense is distracting - the simple past is fine here.
Anyway, just some suggestions. Thanks for this great read!
| Walkerfan chapter 1 . 8/2/2016
I would say I like your writing, but I, in fact, love it. It is face paced and descriptive, but without loosing the readers attention. At no point did I feel 'weighed down' with overloaded sentences. I find that so many stories in the Sci-Fi/Suspense section seem to believe that 'big words' in long sentences in even longer paragraphs are the only way to go and...ugh...they just come off as akward and unreadable. But that isn't a problem with your story because your writing is fluid. You obviously have combined a good command of the English language with an ability to keep the reader entertained.
I also love your characters. Chio is bold and brash, but not for the sake of being bold and brash. From the start, I had a feeling it was confidence with a purpose. The narrator comes across exactly as one would expect from someone trapped in a place like this- beaten down and maybe a little depressed. But you sense a little spark of hope. I liked how you presented them and how you developed them.
Overall, I would like to read more of this story. I know you have 'The End' at the end, but I see potential.
| Sorbonne chapter 1 . 6/17/2016
This was immensely entertaining. I can't remember the last time I read a story that seemed to combine torture, a dystopian past (or future) and an excellent sense of black humor all in one. The gory descriptions were thrilling yet no overwhelming to the point that I would want to stop reading. The sense of these children being mangled, crippled, and abused is what really drives the story.
Chio is of course the quintessential rebel with a plan. The ending though is either chilling or entertaining for the reader as we don't quite know if he's going to swing toward excellent leadership and liberty or down another path of gross dictatorship with more pain and gore.
I really don't have many critiques. The choices of words or lack of description I think you've made on purpose (i.e. not giving a specific time period or physical descriptions of the characters like body type, hair color, skin tone, is there a sexual sadism involved or just pure pain and power etc.)
While others may suggest making this into a full story, I think the power from this piece comes from it being a one-shot. Keep writing!
| Electrumwriter chapter 1 . 6/14/2016
Despite the constraints of this being a one shot, the outline of the world is well rendered. Both futuristic and dystopian and with elements left up to the reader's interpretation. I'm going to guess that it may be in a dystopian US in a hypothetical future or parallel universe. It's certainly graphic and uncompromising in the brutality of the setting. The descriptions of the children with injuries and missing body parts and Mr Gep's prison pit help set a very grim tone quite quickly.
I like how what Chio is really about is partly left up to the reader's imagination. He can smugly tell Gep that he's had mosquito bites worse... is he really a robot or metahuman? So he begins to sow the seeds of rebellion... to what end?
Classy depiction of Mr Gep's demise with a sensory immersion and a reminder that some of the kids are crippled. I cannot fault the prose. It's very readable, even if the subject matter is gruesome.
The most interesting point of all - the unsettling implications for the ending. Chio calls himself the new warden... he wants Mr Gep's old title - and he overthrew the old warden by disposing of him messily. Throughout human history, violent revolutions tend to make matters worse rather than better. Take 17th century Britain (Cromwell), Russia (the Soviet Union), Romania (Carcescu), or Persia/Iran. Just the tell-tale twitch of his prosthetic nose is really really ominous. I award you bonus points for that ending, congratulations on a great one shot.
| MatthewGillUCEF chapter 1 . 6/8/2016
Brilliant! Incredibly well written, I particularly like your (somewhat gruesome) descriptions of everything, paints an excellent picture, that of Gep's death in particular! You manage in a very short space to build up a great atmosphere, your wide vocabulary really helps to build a very vivid setting.
I am struggling to think of a point for improvement here, but perhaps a little bit of a description of how the character feels at some of the developments, like when Chio starts his scheme? (To be honest I cannot really find any fault in it!)
| R.M.Spencer chapter 1 . 6/3/2016
Wow that is ruthless. You do a good job of setting the scene. The sense of dismal, brutal oppression is clearly portrayed and the murder of Mr. Gep is very descriptive.
There are some tense issues. I would recommend sticking with past tense. Present can be much more difficult to keep consistent, particularly when you have all the flashbacks and most of the story is in the past tense anyway.
I am also curious to know how the narrator feels about Chio and what he has done. Does he cheer with the other children? Does it make him fear Chio? He couldn't watch the scene, but why? Before Chio kills Mr. Gep, what does the narrator think of him? It feels like he is just an impartial observer.