|Reviews for Should You Ever Need Me|
| Guest chapter 11 . 7/30
Jen here... again:
I'm reading this 5 years later and I'm still in love with it. It would be lovely to have an epilogue though because there's so many characters interwoven into this piece, I'd like to know what happened with everyone. I mean, granted Donnie touched on that a bit, but not for everyone. This story has a wonderful resolution, but not an ending per se. I know yer wrapped up in different projects now, but even still going over this again, it's still as fun to read as it was when you were first writing it.
I could go into grammar, sentence structure, etc, but it still flowed rather nicely. I'd still like to see this printed and bound one day.
| PurplePiggy chapter 11 . 10/20/2017
I really love this story! At first I was kinda upset because the description had me under the impression that the entire story would be from Hyper's POV but I do enjoy the multiple love stories going on! Also, the plot is so amazing! This reminds me of a good tv show: a couple carefree episodes to pull you in and introduce the characters, gradual revealing of backstories, and then the climax as the story shifts from carefree to action and conflict.
I can't wait until the next update, keep up the good work!
| ElvenValar chapter 11 . 7/11/2017
great ch :)
| ElvenValar chapter 1 . 7/11/2017
| Jen chapter 11 . 6/28/2017
Omg! How far we have come along. And Hypers family needs to F off. There a couple grammatical errors but other than that it was a good wrap up. I'm so happy I got to read all of this I'll have to reread the entire thing again!
Although you know I need an epilogue.
Just imagine when you first started... how immense the story would become. By the way you can start that Star Trek one lol hahahahaha
| Lorne Shora chapter 1 . 4/23/2017
The intro is a little shaky, and the tense is kind of uncertain, whether it's present tense or past tense. The single-word sentence "Really" was kind of redundant, in a way, and it doesn't set off a good impression for readers. I assume that the numbers are page numbers, and if so, it's best to get rid of them.
As for the tense, it's not something I'd recommend. Reading in present tense is hard, and also limited. Almost all books are in past tense, because it makes reading easier.
There are a few grammar errors, too. In dialogue, if you end with 'he said' or 'she said' then the last line of dialogue ends with a comma. Here's an example:
"I'm never leaving." Jen asserts.
In this case, it should be:
"I'm never leaving," Jen asserts.
Alternatively, if there is a line of dialogue without 'he said' or 'she said' then you end with a period, as does the line before it. Here's an example:
Jen blinks, surprise crossing her face, "You're a Charmer?"
"Jen blinks, surprise crossing her face. "You're a Charmer?"
The question mark and exclamation point (?!) can operate like both a comma and a period.
There are more grammar errors, but they could probably be fixed with a proofread or two. It's too much to go in in a single review.
One thing I've learned is that you don't want to go through the whole stuff that leads to the first chapter. Laying too much background info bores readers, especially ones who read actual books (the kind of crowd you probably want to attract). Instead of going through the whole details about her family, perhaps reveal it in later dialogue.
In addition, there's not enough going on in the story. The body language and actions aren't described enough.
The story is kind of hard to read. It's very confusing, and it seems like english is probably your second, third, or even fourth language. It's pretty broken up.
What you do have going for you is the plot, which in my experience is pretty rare. Almost all online writers and many real-life writers don't know how to come up with a good idea that's not so cliche. This isn't very cliche, though. It has no "rivals-for-life-falling-in-love," or (even worse) the "popular-bad-boy-falls-in-love-with-mc" going for it. At least, not that I can tell. It's one of the few stories on fictionpress that can actually lure me in with the plot alone, without characters or writing style involved.
Good luck, and keep on writing!
| Jenlinkitty chapter 10 . 4/22/2017
I LOVE IT. MY BABY IS A BADASS!
Absolutely well written, I want to read more! Hopefully Kloud is chatty for you my dear!
| Five Cranes chapter 6 . 3/29/2017
This building is almost too... mother hen, it's almost creepy. Also I love this story.
| TribalGrayFox chapter 9 . 3/24/2017
By God...this is has been my favorite story yet! Please update soon!
| Elenhiia chapter 8 . 1/28/2017
I absolutely love this. The small amount of proofreading it needs doesn't make it less readable, mostly I just noticed some typos. I love your style, the way you put the story together, and I've already fallen in love with most of the characters ... definitely looking forward to reading more of this.
| mandywhitrod chapter 8 . 1/22/2017
Great story .. have just read from start to this point.
Great characters; love the story line; easy to read