|Reviews for A Day in the Life of Mr Lewis|
| Morrowseer chapter 2 . 4/19/2019
That was actually a nice story. Not the happiest story but a good one.
| Morrowseer chapter 1 . 4/19/2019
Even though I’m a fantasy/adventure reader, I still found this story interesting. The character development with Jay, to be exact. The writing itself is pretty good, though in some parts it seemed a bit repetitive. Like when it read ”prompting him to snap out of it..” then the next line was “snapping out of...” Also, when you were describing the family photos, you used “sporting” twice. I’d suggest using more variety of words and not using two words in a row because the repetition is kind of grating. But those were the only two times. Besides that it was good.
| FictionWriter200 chapter 3 . 12/28/2017
A short but quite a good chapter! I like the tone of your story and the way you're writing it. I do recommend not to capitalise words to make a point and not to use both ? and ! and instead choose one of them. Also, Jay sounds interesting too. I think we can make use a bit more description for him but otherwise, I think this is pretty good. :)
| Ckh chapter 2 . 12/19/2017
In my opinion, this chapter is considerably better than the previous chapter. Your style of narration works to your advantage here as I feel it helps highlight the mid life crisis that jay is facing. I like the buildup to Jay's realization that time has passed him by. His reactions feel genuine and I can slowly understand his thought process through his observations. That's good stuff here.
| Ckh chapter 1 . 12/19/2017
The contents of this chapter are not terribly interesting, and though the narration is serviceable, I wasn't very engaged. The dialogue feels a little bland. How do I put it? Its almost artificial at times. You do a good job of establishing the tone of the story though.
| FictionWriter200 chapter 1 . 12/15/2017
That's a pretty good beginning. I like the way you constructed everything in a narrator-style kind of thing instead of a specific POV. I also enjoy the dynamics of each characters and the way they interact with each other. I would say that I believe, if you're looking for feedback in terms of grammar and whatnot, it'll be best if you don't capitalise a letter for an emphasise or an action of shouting since the exclamation mark does it all for you. And also, be careful of the world after a dialogue. Sometimes, the words have to be capitalised in the beginning for an action or remain small if it's said. Ex: the part: "It's...incredible!" [s]he shouted, dramatically... Also, try not to use too many adjectives & adverbs and instead focus on telling how the person is acting 'dramatically' like does she flings her hand across her eyes? and etc. Otherwise, this is pretty good and do continue writing! -Krystal
| The Littlest Mouse chapter 2 . 12/15/2017
So, your dialogue is very point-blank and quite honestly it's not very interesting. The conversation they are having at the beginning is very sexual but doesn't read that way. Using innuendo and subtly would make it feel much more scandalous and would make Jay's foul mood jarring. Then his mention of what happened at work would add a nice juxtaposition to the piece. Also, it may be more powerful to not add dialogue tags to the end of every sentence.
| The Littlest Mouse chapter 1 . 12/10/2017
The dialogue is really stiff and inconsistent. One minute they're talking like suburban red-necks, the next they sound like they came straight out of a hallmark family movie. Try saying it out loud and imagining, someone saying it to you. Sometimes we find ourselves saying, "Yeah, I would say that. It sounds normal," because we like the line. Imagining it coming out of the mouth of someone you know puts it in perspective.
Another thing that would help, if you are trying for southern accent with the charm to match, is by writing /how/ they would speak to make the diction much clearer. "Somethin," instead of, "something." "'Cause," instead of, "because." Although, that would depend on just how deep south these characters are.
"He may dress that way, but he's actually very smart! He's not only the school's top football player, but also the chess champion and he's incredibly popular! I don't just like him because he's cute." This sentence bugs me a lot. No one speaks in mini-monologues. People naturally interrupt each other, especially during arguments. Maybe you could write it where Jay is interrupting Loretta while she keeps plowing through and continues to list the boy's positive attributes.
| shika-paprika chapter 2 . 12/14/2016
Forgot to add, but I'd like to see more stories like this that have a sitcom feel to it. But that's entirely up to you, though.
| DazWizzle chapter 2 . 12/14/2016
This chapter is fun to read especially if you have kids around the same age as the younger ones. I going myself laughing at a few moments within your chapter and found it very east to relate to the events happening within the chapter. I get the feeling either the characters are deliberately choosing to ignore things like Jay works at a distillery or there playing it this way.
| DazWizzle chapter 1 . 12/14/2016
An interesting introduction to the world of Jay. You touch on some very big issues that are still relevant today but also introduce a nice cultural diversity. I am not to good with my knowledge on US history around the 1980's but the setting seems to be inline with what I have knowledge of. This chapter is well written and plays nicely when running a text to speech program over it.
| TheReluctantWriter chapter 1 . 11/4/2016
Don't be alarmed, but I like to dive in straight to the constructive criticism before complements but overall a really interesting start to the story!
- Could just be my personal writing style/preference but you leave nothing to the imagination. It's very matter of fact and everything is really spelt out for you. Love the detail and you definitely think very deeply about each aspect but also think it hinders the story as well. Perhaps consider a little more show than tell kind of thing
- Some sentences in the first paragraph seem like they should be broken into 2.
- "Currently, it was an average," Sounds a little like confused tenses having currently and then was soon after. Could just be me though.
- When the Indian woman approached it was very sudden. There was no lead up to it really. Perhaps add a sentence in between just to help it flow a little easier.
-Chapter ends quite suddenly. It was a good introductory chapter but because of its sudden ending i'm left a little confused.
- I get a very vintage feel from the story which could just be me (which I love! but I am confused of the exact era it's set). Doesn't feel so much of a 1980s than a 1940s or something. 1980s to me was more punk and disco rather than vintage. In this story I imagine jazz for some reason.
Overall it's a really interesting start to the story and I really enjoyed it. I think half of my criticisms will be solved when I read more and could also all just be purely my own preference. Great work! :)
| shika-paprika chapter 4 . 10/18/2016
Read through the whole thing and I have to say this is one of the few stories that I actually liked. You have a few errors like not putting a space after an ellipsis and putting commas where they shouldn't be, but it still made the story readable. The theme of aging and health are very apparent throughout the story and there were some funny moments in-between to lighten things up. I'm curious to see why you chose the 80s as the time setting instead of today.