|Reviews for The Harbinger of Death and Cheese (Abandoned)|
| Jack Grayling chapter 4 . 7/17/2016
So Redache (Red-ah-chee), thank you for all the questions. I will have to inform you that most of what you asked will be answered in future chapters, one of them is actually crucial to the plot.
I'm trying to achieve the "show, don't tell" mood for the novel, so some of those information comes gradually (Jack's age is my fault. I was supposed to mention that already, twice, but I edited both of the parts out because it felt awkward. Didn't realize that I left no descriptions of Jack. New chapters will describe him, sorry about that.) The soundless ripple (I assume you meant where everything became soundless and leaves stop rippling) was where I intended to show that time stopped instead of saying "time stopped". I'll try to rewrite that to be more clear, but thanks! Keep criticizing!
p.s. My real name isn't Jack, I just like that name a lot
p.p.s. Redache is an author on this website too, I personally love her work "The Curious Mask" and have yet to read anything else. She's a published author so I trust her integrity as a writer and she's helping me out currently (oh yeah, she's good). So yeah, check it out. You won't regret it.
| RebekahFyre chapter 3 . 7/15/2016
Woah. Sudden shift from close third to really freaking close first person point of view. Threw me for a loop.
"As likely as a fish in the desert.." Thank you for setting Finch off on a tangent about the desert AGAIN. *grumbles*
Where'd he get the money? Why does he suddenly ask about his mom? Who's the guy? Why does Jack react the way he did? How long will it take Jack to read the book? What does the book say? Do mirages have false fish in them?
Do you want a Beta (editor)?
| RebekahFyre chapter 2 . 7/15/2016
Okay, your current story title is better for just this chapter, not the whole story. Unless Jack has an obsession with cheese. I understand Gluttony now.
You are missing periods
"It is annoying"
This is where a Beta would come in handy. *cough*
I'm really confused how we got from bitten by poison to suddenly in this old man's house. And I wouldn't freak out if someone stole my toast. I mean, really. It's just toast. No need to assume the kid is a thief. Sheesh.
OOOOh, what's Vanguard Academy? Was Gust the old man in the candles? Does Jack have a dad? Does he have siblings? Again, how old is he? What does he want to do with his life? Why does Gust say he is getting old? How was asking who someone is rude? How does that indicate no manners?
| RebekahFyre chapter 1 . 7/15/2016
Ok, author's notes, since you asked, add it onto the end of your document, bold it, and point out that it is an author's note. Easy as pi. 3.14159526535...
Second, I can never write in first person present because I can't hold it for a paragraph and there are some times you trip up and go into past tense. I'm bad at pointing them out exactly from a review.
Oh. It's not first person, it's very close third person. Right sorry.
There are some points where I wasn't sure what you were saying, but I'm not sure if that's because I got lost or you lost me.
Otherwise, I want to know more about Jack. (You named him after yourself, didn't you?) He seems like an amazingly mischievous little boy.
How old is Jack? What is this world like? Medieval, modern? What does Jack look like? Does he have any siblings? Can he magic? Who is the magic man with the candles? Does the poison change Jack at all? How did he catch a gremlin without getting bitten? What was the soundless ripple?
On to next chapter!
| Jack Grayling chapter 1 . 7/15/2016
How do I add Author's notes? Man I need a tutorial for this game...