Reviews for The Blood Flower That Blossoms In Another World
lirianstar chapter 2 . 12/23/2017
This story is dark* and I'm intrigued. Looking forward to more. The survival/friendship/psychopathic/danger elements are pretty cool. Good job!
hazelnutbrew chapter 1 . 3/7/2017
I think that his is a very interesting concept. I like how you portrayed the characters here, they were each very interesting and I'm sure that you will develop them more as the story goes on. Though I best know you for your Soul Anomaly story, which is pretty hilarious especially with Yuichi's genius, but I have to say that you've got another solid story under your belt with a cast of characters that I will enjoy the ride with. Though damn, Takuto was really lucky there-and that was a rather morbid scene. Definitely much darker than your Soul Anomaly, but it's always good to expand one's horizon's and experiment with different stories. I think that the prose was clean and fluid, and it drew me right in. Your brother did a great job editing, the prose is very nice and flows well thanks to both you and his efforts. I also need to start reading and reviewing more of Soul anomaly, as that is definitely a crowd favorite, though I do think that your other works need some acknowledgment too. It's fun to see what a writer does in a different genre and whatnot, and I think that you've nailed the setting and intrigue quite well so far. Hope to read more! 3
LillithSnow chapter 2 . 1/28/2017
I like it, this story has a kind of corpse party feel to it and Id love to see how it progresses. Ill admit the first chapter did seem slightly too cliché with the all happy classroom but other than that Ive enjoyed reading it and hope to see more from you
Monty Mason chapter 1 . 10/16/2016
Hey cud-b-better,

Been a while since I read one of your stories, seeing as how this one is put under the genre tag of “Tragedy”, let’s see how this one goes. Before I start, let me make it absolutely clear that if by any chance you or anyone reading this seem to take any offense at my honest and possibly harsh criticism, it is written with the intention of helping the writer IMPROVE. With that out of the way, let’s get on with the show.

The opening worked well at setting a mysterious mood for the scene, and prompts the readers to start asking questions about the situation itself. The details were good to help imagine it like a running reel in my head. Following that scene however is a sentence that can easily be taken out for much better reading experience. The sentence I refer to is: That morning should have been like any other.

Why do I say take it out? Because it is right in your face fore-shadowing that something bad is going to happen real quick. But if you were to take that out and leave just “Another day at school, another downpour of rain, [and] another noisy classroom.”, then it adds to the effect of adding even more mystery and confusion. Why did the scenes suddenly change focus from that boy to the school? That leaves potential interest open towards the boy for the readers who already weren’t interested. They may want to know more about the boy and why he was doing what he was doing.

This is a VERY subjective point. I know that in the manga section of FP, there is quite a bit of fan service thrown into the stories (thankfully not all), but do try to avoid it for the future chapters if you are aiming to write something on the more serious side. The fan service just doesn’t help me take your story seriously. Instead it reinforces the idea that this will just be another clichéd story. I also realize the characters are not meant to act realistically due to their manga nature, but do try to make them do so for the sake of the serious aspects of this story. Otherwise it just breaks immersion into that world (again, a subjective point that I find to be worth mentioning).

I know you are going for a comedy effect with that whole overused small chest joke. It could be funny, but it’s not. The reason it’s not is due to the wording. You try to be too descriptive when it would be better left up to the imagination of the readers. One sentence that I can pinpoint this problem is: The ferocious animal that used to be their friend struggled against her restraints.

Rewording it may be a good idea, like this: The ferocious little animal struggled against her restraints, flailing her limbs back and forth.

That is just an example of something thought up on the spot. If you spend time on it, I am sure you can come up with something far better. Using something like "flailing her limbs" not only gives the impression of a childish tantrum, but a comical reactions to the restraints. Anyone who has read enough manga and watched enough anime will know what that looks like.

Reading a little further, I noticed tense difference in one sentence. The sentence: Upon Tsukasa’s direction, Takuto beared down on his sleeping friend, who had his face planted on his desk, drool escaping from his lips.

Take this into consideration: Upon Tsukasa’s direction, Takuto bore down on his sleeping friend, who had his face planted on his desk, and drool escaped from his lips.

The bolding feels overdone. For something like “Good morning”, you don’t need to bold it. I imagine every reader would subconsciously know that the students are saying this out loud to their teacher. Not to mention, the exclamation mark reinforces the point of their words having some force behind it.

So there are some clear issues with this prologue chapter. Let’s first take a look at what you did well:

1 – There is an abundance of description thrown into the story which makes for an imaginative and an immersive read for the most part.

2 – The pacing was well executed.

3 – The edits your younger brother made were clearly well worth it as I didn’t find many mistakes but more or less suggestions.

What you could/need to improve on:

1 – The serious aspects of this story. This is an extremely subjective point, serious for me symbolizes mature and dark story telling. The characters here did not represent that in the slightest. The fact that a teacher needs a student to stand up for her shows to me that this story could potentially be driven quite heavily by clichés. That’s not the only instance, the fan service and certain characters that fill a role we usually have come to expect now days in manga stories.

2 – For the more panic and action oriented sections, consider making the sentences shorter to help give a sense of urgency. While the descriptions help paint a clear picture that YOU want to convey, the reader’s imagination should be good enough to cover those details.

3 – Set clear expectations for this story. Is this meant to be a traditional fiction story or a light novel type of story?

You don’t make that clear, so I go in with the expectations of a traditional fiction story. That expectation was not met. Instead I was met with clichés and a predictable prologue chapter that I have read many times in the past. Not exactly as it is here, but the way the events flow and how much the mystery is lacking. Any elements of fore shadowing no longer mattered due to the sentence I mentioned before near the beginning of the prologue.

4 – Instead of jumping straight into the action, consider spending some time with establishing your characters in-depth. Now this ties into the third point of improvement. If these are meant to be somewhat realistic individuals, then take inspiration from other works NOT in the manga section. Most manga stories rely on creating unrealistic characters to a certain degree. I know because I have read a great deal of stories with this trait (yours included) and written for it to sometimes.

If you are into video games, one recent example that comes to mind is “Life is Strange”. It deals with throwing teenagers into a situation initially out of their control and has a STRONG focus on characterization for nearly every character in the episodes. If you don’t want to play it, consider watching those cut-scene movies people put together on YouTube. The characters act far more realistically for serious situations in there than they do here.

Although the character reactions to when panic broke out was on point.

5 – Consider adding in more line breaks to help differentiate the many scenes in this story. I can already see several places you can add line breaks into. It just makes for a more pleasant reading experience. And if I need to resume reading this chapter some other day, I can keep track of which line break I need to continue from. It is more convenient and pleasant for the reader.

Those are just some points I can think of right now. I know I hounded you on the clichés and fan service thing quite a bit. But you can easily rectify the cliché by adding a new spin on it. Everything now days can be argued is a cliché since so many stories do it. But the telling of a strong writer is when they are able to add a new spin on it to make it feel more original and inspired. Fan service is just something you are going to have to either tone down or take out. It just destroys that serious notion of the story (based on my vision of serious). Although I do hope you don’t do this during the more serious scenes.

Is it a good story?

From the prologue alone, I would say no. That is quite a shame to as I think you really want to tackle a more serious story with your utmost effort (that’s just my thoughts on the matter though). If a story doesn’t capture the interest of a reader just from the prologue, or even the first few sentences if you don’t feel all that generous, then there is something wrong with either the idea, the writing, the setup, or the execution.

It may turn into a good story down the line. I am not going to discredit your efforts because it didn’t match my expectations as a reader. I am sure there are many who enjoyed it as seen by the other reviews.

But do take my points into consideration to a certain degree, or at least think about them when you have the time to. Again, remember that all of what you have read is written with the intention to help you improve as a writer. Some points are very subjective, so take away what you will from that. If you have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to PM me.

I hope this review helps :).

Have a great day!

~ Monty Mason
GloryInResurrection chapter 2 . 10/10/2016
Its dark but I liked it, mate.
Keep going.
Kenshin Kojima chapter 2 . 10/3/2016
Killed off Luna... Man, that's messed up. Once again, this is darker than Soul Anomaly and anything else you've written so far. Still, there are many questions that haven't been answered. Now, there's more questions that needs answering. I mean, who is Victoria and Princess Aine? Why couldn't Takuto couldn't remember that classmate who was decapitated? What do these two women want with Class 3-C? Seriously, there's more questions than answers. Hopefully, I'll get some answers in future chapters.

I thought it was kind stupid of them to try and attack Princess Aine. I mean, they should've listened to their instincts. But I guess they needed to try.

Overall, this was another confusing chapter. Again, I hope the answers come soon. It's still too early to tell you my thought on this story. But I am curious to see where you'll take this story.

Thanks for the read!
Kenshin Kojima chapter 1 . 9/11/2016
Jeesh... This was kind of dark for you. Sure, you haven't created and written dark characters in your past stories. You even written some dark arcs, too. Still, this was a little darker than your usual stories.

Hmm... Overall, it had a chilling beginning. It then took place in the classroom. It was all normal stuff. Classic clichés you normally see in anime/manga. It then all went to hell in an instant. Of course, only one person knew there was something wrong. And the students of Class 3-B have disappeared. I would've said 'without a trace' but there was that severed head of that student. You captured the panic and despair of the students well. I feel like the transfer student knows something about this, since he was frighteningly calm as all this was happening. It was good start for a horror story, if that's what your were going for. Other than that, I don't really have much to say about the story. I have more questions than anything. I am curious to see where you take this story, if you decide to continue it.

Thanks for the read!