|Reviews for Apex|
| Rona Calan chapter 5 . 10/26/2016
Sorry it took me a while to catch up on the last few chapters. I'm still enjoying the story.
There were a couple of points where I think the writing could be improved. In chapter 4, when Mike says "That disease/gas stuff is visible to the naked eye, anyway. Like yellow mist or something" it strikes me as unrealistic. I know you're trying to use the dialogue to share information with the reader, but the people who actually survive in this reality would know whether or not the contagion is visible as a yellow mist, so it seems odd that Mike would need to point it out and add "or something" unless he'd never actually seen it himself and had only heard about it. Even if that is the case, describing it as "disease/gas stuff" is awkward wording. It shows that either the character or the writer is unclear about what the disease is. If it's the former, you should make that obvious.
Another thing that bothers me is knocking people unconscious by hitting or kicking them in the head. If that happens, it's a concussion. It's life-threatening and can cause lifelong neurological problem, and fictional characters take and dish out these concussions like it's a stubbed toe. It's a cliche. Every action writer does it, amateurs and professionals alike, but it's unrealistic and is kind of a pet peeve of mone.
| Rona Calan chapter 1 . 9/25/2016
The story is good so far. The grammar and spelling is clean, but there are places where the clarity would benefit from a paragraph break, especially between what one character says and the other character's thoughts or reaction in response.
It strains credibility that so many years after the disaster there's still any food to loot from stores. There seem to be more people than I would expect.
Perhaps you'll address the discrepancy later on, but if the chemical that caused the outbreak came from comets, as Jake indicated, it doesn't make sense that the military would have a test for it the day it happened. Also, if it was a chemical that caused the outbreak, why is it infectious through biting? That makes it seem more like a bacteria or virus.
It's good not to give too many answers in Chapter 1, but questions I have that I think could use some clarification are: Does the infectious agent cause the Titans to become generally wild and violent, or do they specifically attack humans? If so, why? Do they bite to eat or as a drive to spread the infection? Does it only affect humans, or are other animals also a danger?
I'm looking forward to more. Keep it up!