|Reviews for Lovestruck in San Francisco - Part Two|
| Katie Grey chapter 9 . 6/8/2017
Aw... this was so cute! I'm glad that they're finally getting married! Oh, and I need that preacher at my wedding! :p
Once again, great job on this piece!
| Katie Grey chapter 8 . 6/8/2017
lol guess I was wrong about the smut thing... I did skim some of it, mostly because it was pretty long, but from what i did read was quite descriptive.. lol
First, maybe consider including less song titles? Many of the songs you name I haven't heard, so including them doesn't mean anything to me. And there are a lot as well... one or two is fine, but ten... it's just a lot.
Another thing... if I were Katrina, I wouldn't have bought Marks claim so easily. It would make so much more sense for him and Priscilla to have cheated together than more Priscilla to have banged him in his sleep. Who has even heard of that happening? Maybe I'm just misinformed, but I have never heard of that.
Also, Collin punching Vladik and attacking Mark and Katrina seems like a bit of a serious issue. The fact that if it were Priscilla he would have attacked her no problem kind of irks me... I understand that he was angry but you can't just go around punching people!
That's all I've got to say... don't get me wrong, this chapter wasn't bad or anything, but these things just stuck out.
| Katie Grey chapter 7 . 6/8/2017
Another great chapter, everything from my first review still applies here...
However, the first few paragraphs did seem a bit out of place. They were basically a summary of the events of the past few days, obviously, but simply summarizing events isn't always the best idea... I understand that there may not be another way to explain what happened during that time, but it doesn't flow very well.
Another thing that seemed out of place was the bit about the boss battle in a RPG game? All you really needed to say was that he would eat olives to buy time, the boss battle stuff seemed like fluff and didn't fit in either.
But I did enjoy this chapter as well. Keep up the good work!
| Katie Grey chapter 6 . 6/8/2017
Wow... that was... intense! Not so much cute love story anymore as... something else.
Totally unexpected, and more than a little messed up, but a great plot twist nonetheless. And everything else I said in my last review is still applicable here. Although, if I were Mark, I do think I might have had a stronger reaction than he did, but that's just me.
| Katie Grey chapter 5 . 6/8/2017
This is a really cute love story! The relationships between the characters are obvious, maybe even a bit clichéd, but they work nonetheless. I especially love Priscilla, what with all her innuendos and humor. This isn't the sort of story I normally read, I'm more into fantasy, but I like it, even though there isn't any magic or dragons or giant trees.
This is also a really well-written story, which, of course, helps a lot. The words flow, the details are perfect, nothing seems out of place, which is really hard to do.
I'm also glad that this wasn't smutty at all, because I cannot handle smut at all, just not my favorite.
| AeroSakura chapter 1 . 4/28/2017
i thought the only surprise this chapter was going to be that he had randomly run into his dead ex's uncle, but to get a phone call from her as well? is this coming from the beyond? is he talking to a ghost or maybe he's hallucinating. considering how depressed he describes himself, i wouldn't be surprised. i'm now quite invested in where this story goes. really like the way that, though this is romance, you're actually building in a lot of mental health into the narrative! ie. the mother having alzheimer's, the discussion about how this father would take the various newses. i'm also curious to see where all of that goes, too
| Prime Jeremy chapter 5 . 4/20/2017
I get the feeling he is going to give into the darkside.
| Sychronergy chapter 4 . 4/19/2017
Hmm. I find it slightly questionable that they remained asleep like that - people tend to move around in their sleep? But of course, if that's some symbolic importance, then that's cool.
Anyway, just a small touch on punctuations in dialogue - how you're writing (putting a period before the quotation mark and following up the phrase with a dialogue tag) is not technically correct. Like,
Incorrect "…bringing you up a few times." I reply with complete honesty.
Correct "…bringing you up a few times," I reply with complete honestly.
I think you captured a good scene in this chapter, with Priscilla starting off all arrogant and mad and her day just keeps getting better, but a bit of fine-tuning will help you convey all the emotions in a more poignant and clear way.
| Sychronergy chapter 3 . 3/7/2017
While it's not a mindset I personally possess, I think it's a pleasant surprise to see a rich character who likes to do things himself and not want to exploit others. Also a neat detail that the protagonist had Type-2 Diabetes. I like the menu and the attention you paid to crafting it. This chapter has a pretty good, feel-good and romantic feel to it.
| voiddd chapter 2 . 2/4/2017
Aha! Here's the big reveal - she's alive, she's better than before (i.e. not dead), and they are together again! You write their delight and excitement at getting back together very well. I am a bit confused about how the doctors managed to revive Katrina; in the last story, he was by her bedside when she died, and Google says brain death occurs after 5 minutes with no heartbeat. If they revived her in, say, 3 minutes, Mark wouldn't have gotten very far from the hospital... but that's a very minor point. Otherwise, I like it! I'm going to keep reading soon, as I've only just finished chapter 2, but it seems to be getting exciting! There's nothing quite like a couple reunited after tragedy.
(Also, one minor structural thing - some of your paragraphs are really long. This isn't necessarily a problem, but it's kind of hard to read the huge text blocks. Maybe break the action-packed ones into two shorter paragraphs? Like have one paragraph start with "The traffic does pick up..." and the next start with "She is clad..." or "Aside from her clothes...". This might make the long paragraphs easier for a reader to absorb.)
| shika-paprika chapter 5 . 10/25/2016
To be honest, I like this story is a little more than the first one. I like how you incorporated Katrina's family to paint a better picture of her background. They seem like a pretty motley crew, especially, Priscilla. Do I smell a love triangle? Anyway, good work as always.