|Reviews for Crimson Wolves|
| CrimsonBlade21 chapter 25 . 12/11
Hm, so I am guessing that René must have had some relationship with Gasha, probably not romantic but pretty close. I like how you touch upon just about everyone's history. It all seems to be connecting now.
| CrimsonBlade21 chapter 24 . 12/4
Wow! Everything is finally connecting. Everyone meets everyone. I really can't wait for this!
| CrimsonBlade21 chapter 23 . 11/25
This is not good. Carl and Emily have neem kidnapped. I assume by those rebels but it could be the pirates? Not really sure but whoever it is means bad news for the crew. Nice chapter. :)
| CrimsonBlade21 chapter 22 . 11/19
Odeilla was so brave! I am very proud of her decision. I hope she and Farima (Petra's mother) survives. Thanks for taking my advice, the story looks a lot smoover now. :)
| CrimsonBlade21 chapter 21 . 11/14
Welcome back! So there is poison in the air and the team needs to leave. I probably need to go back to a couple past chapters to get the full picture, but this was really good. I suggest that in the beginning of each chapter, you put a small excerpt of the previous chapter connected because you follow separate character perspectives. For example:
Rene looked up in horror as the foot rose above their heads. The last thing she saw before blacking out as a hand grab her...
You can put that in italics and then continue the story. Just a suggestion. ;)
| ElvenValar chapter 20 . 7/11
| ElvenValar chapter 1 . 7/11
like this :)
| CrimsonBlade21 chapter 20 . 6/29
Odeilla... I truly feel for her in this chapter. She just found out that her mother died making her the new queen. Its a lot to take in. But I believe that she can make it through this. If only she believed it too. Update soon!
| CrimsonBlade21 chapter 19 . 6/28
Things are starting to piece together. I like how the different characters in this story are all connected in some way. Update soon!
| Barbados chapter 3 . 6/23
Yeah, I was right - Erik is a blast to read. The third scene of the chapter featuring him and Petra is brilliant, I loved it.
More good imagery surrounding the ship, nicely woven throughout.
The theme of broken worlds and new family resonating throughout all of them, bringing them together. You did a great job with that from scene to scene.
All in all, a solid chapter that suffers only from the same points as the previous ones - just needing a little polish. The characters are rounding out very nicely.
If this were a show or film, i think, "Fine. But Tracy had better be dying!" would be one of those lines people quote all the time.
| blurtwurbles chapter 18 . 6/19
The rapport and character you build into your scenes makes it easy to overlook any editing issues. Editing is easily fixed, but you have what's more important down to pat already, that creative and tenacious spark needed to write well.
If I have one gripe, its just for consistency. You gave the other chapters names, but chapter 18 is just, well, 'chapter 18'. It helps readers, and the author from my own experience, to 'bookmark' chapters with some indication of what's in it, especially as you add more chapters, which given your work so far, I'd strongly encourage.
Keep it up. I can learn from you for my own work as well.
| CrimsonBlade21 chapter 18 . 6/17
Oooooh! I really liked this one! A few spelling errors but it was very enjoyable. I was a little worried that you wouldn't post, but I'm glad you did. Update soon!
| Barbados chapter 2 . 6/8
You are good at painting word pictures. Your imagery is superb throughout - the water slithering across the window, the depiction of the makeshift dwellings of this village, and the blue scarf stained red to cite a few examples.
I liked the language details, great addition to help build the world.
Taken by itself, this chapter actually is very solid. It has some of the same issues as Ch 1 with flow and dialogue formatting, but otherwise the writing is strong - the tension is high, and the action moves quickly. I quite enjoyed it.
My concern is that, does it really fit into the story? It's a chapter devoted entirely to the background of Rene - which works to help flesh her character out, but doesn't do anything to move the story forward really. I feel like it might have worked well as an author's tool to provide needed backstory when fleshing out the real story.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in the scene (this group riding away in the Jeep) I can see this flashback happening - but vastly condensed into a few lines within the narrative.
Does that make sense?
| Barbados chapter 1 . 6/6
Okay, so I've got a lot to say about this, but let me first say that I think the story itself (that is, the characters and plot) have a lot of potential and were very engaging.
Mostly, you need a good dose of editing. There were several typos, and lots of opportunity to improve the flow.
The most common typo I noticed was in dialogue, and the incorrect use of "," or "." when closing dialogue. For example: [...mouthed "no." to him...] should be in a single quote, really, since it's not actually spoken, and should not have any punctuation at all for that same reason.
Throughout the story, you use a period instead of a comma when doing dialogue. I jumped to recent chapters, and this is still happening, and it's a glaring error that needs fixing asap.
Use a period in dialogue only when it's a single line, such as: "He'll be fine."
Use a comma in dialogue when there is a tag, such as: "He'll be fine," Carl said.
Use a comma, regardless of where the tag appears, such as: Carl said, "He'll be fine." and also "He'll be fine," Carl said, and then added, "you of all people should know he's tougher than that."
Hopefully my examples are clear. I'm happy to assist if more clarification is needed.
Some word choices created an odd flow. Try to find synonyms or better verbs to help break it up
[tall red-bearded friend stood tall] - [tall red-bearded friend stood firm]
[darkly clad figures waiting in the darkness] - [darkly clad figures waiting in the shadows]
[looked at Erik with a wide-eyed look] - [shot Erick a wide-eyed look]
There were a couple run on sentences as well, but I didn't tag them so I can't remember where they are.
The vagueness of the "weapons" should be refined. Weapons is pretty broad, and while I'm reasonably sure that Erik isn't concealing a tactical nuke among his "unfriendly looking weapons" I feel some sharper description is warranted - and adds character. Are these all melee weapons? Does Erik eschew guns? That scene gives you an opportunity to provide a glimpse at his character, seize it!
Okay, so that wraps up my criticisms for now. Please don't think I'm being hard on you or mean -
just trying to help! Some praise then!
You have some really good imagery with the rain, and before that there was good imagery on the boxes and setting of the warehouse. Vivid descriptions of the characters help paint the style of this setting. That was all done well, I question though - is this Earth? Where did they get a Jeep?
Erik is hilarious, and going to be so much fun to read. As I said before, the characters are all engaging, and they certainly all stand apart. It's a little to early to speak about them too much in detail, we just met them, but I like it.
The best piece of world-building in this was the mention of the Bengal with Rene. Thank you for not going into it right then, you dropped this in perfectly. It helped define her motivations and character some, while cluing into her history.
Also, on the whole, dropping us right into this tense situation followed by some action is a great hook, so well done there.
Overall, this story has a lot of potential - it just needs some editing and polish to really elevate it. I look forward to reading more, and would also appreciate any criticisms of my own works from a fellow SciFi /Fantasy fan! :D
| CrimsonBlade21 chapter 17 . 6/1
Sounds like something is brewing in these scenes. Can't wait to see what's next! Also, don't get too discouraged if your not getting much attention here. Sometimes it just takes time for others to notice good stories. :)