|Reviews for To Dine in Hell|
| AbyssScript chapter 1 . 11/23/2016
It is an interesting piece for sure, but I feel as though it hasn't quite reached the level of horror you desire. I also noticed that you switched between past and present tenses in a few places, which doesn't help the flow of the story.
When considering how to benefit the piece, I think that there is one question you need to address. What do you want to happen to that girl? Currently, her fate is implied more than spoken - and while that isn't a bad idea, the execution you chose to use doesn't convey the fear that it should. Perhaps, instead of consuming the cherry himself, the creature feeds it to his victim. Also, I feel that delving into more descriptions would assist in awakening the tone you desire. Perhaps center those descriptions more around the woman and the "play" the demon has with her. The bounty upon the table should definitely be described in further detail as well.
That's what I believe will help, at any rate. At the very least, you definitely need to reword the final sentence to convey the sense of conclusion to the story. As it currently is, the story does not feel complete. It could be, if only that sentence were reworded. Otherwise, you might want to think of determining a "what happens next" scenario.
Hope I helped. Good luck with your story.