|Reviews for Doll Face|
| PeachesForMe chapter 3 . 3/16/2017
Pace: The pacing is great and easy to follow. The page breaks were an awesome addition because it allows you to switch between scenes without a lot of confusion. They also allow you to skip the unimportant things between scenes, like going home, getting ready, etc.
Plot: The teacher/student relationship could, I guess, be considered a bit of a cliche, but you handled it well. The setting in particular adds a nice touch to the plot that separates it from a lot of other YA novels that may feature this type of relationship plot.
Techniques: The terminology box at the bottom is very helpful! It works because you didn't feel the need to interrupt the story or have characters say absurd things (making them explain what they obviously would already know, sort of breaks the fourth wall). Putting it at the bottom makes it a non-intrusive way to let the readers in on the lingo and vocabulary of your setting.
Dialogue: Dialogue flows naturally and is not too beefed-up with fancy words. The only thing I would suggest is maybe not ending as many quotes with characters' names. For example: "Be nice, Lucas". It's fine but if it happens a lot it may make the dialogue a little less realistic because people tend not to speak like that in real life (unless they are being particularly firm).
Overall, I really like this! I hope you continue to write it.
| AlternatingCurrent chapter 1 . 3/10/2017
I love Jenny's expressions: "Oh stars, oh planets, oh by the moon!" It lets us see a sort of whimsical side of her nature. Does she have an interest in astronomy or is it just the way she says things? (not a critique, I'm just curious!)
I also love her comment about wanting to have freckles. It reminds me of Anne of Green Gables and how she always dreamed of having black hair (and hated her freckles!).
You do a good job of presenting Jenny's insecurities about herself.
I am happy that Jack doesn't judge her by her appearance but I don't feel like I know him very well to be invested in their relationship. Why did he choose to study what she is teaching? How does he convince her that he does really want to be with her? Given Jenny's character, it seems to me that she would have a hard time accepting his love.
I am intrigued by this experiment she did that went so wrong!
| Murphy Chapelwood chapter 1 . 2/16/2017
I'm not so set on Jenny from this chapter. There feels like a fifty-fifty split between her obsessing over appearance (hers and his) and then every other thing she thinks about. I might suggest a large tone down in describing him: perhaps she doesn't actually like to make eye contact (look people in the face) because she doesn't like how they look at her; so it could take all the way to the end of this chapter—when he comforts her—before she finally really looks at him and realizes how handsome he is; instead, she just catches glimpses of a pale, freckled ginger-ish hand every once in a while. It would make her seem like a better person: she's willing to help this stranger-student through his troubles despite her own and with no possible ulterior motive.
The writing is tight, conscientious. The language is very accessible, and even with the scientific terminology, I don't believe a casual reader could become confused. The control shown with -ly adverbs and -ing words is especially impressive. There might have been only one typo (during the Genutec lecture, the second paragraph "The children of Genutec . . ." also needs to begin with a quotation mark). It's a pretty high standard you've set for yourself. Very impressive. One last thing, great use of ellipses not only in dialogue but in narration to show the trailing off of thoughts or the fade between different subjects.
| Sychronergy chapter 2 . 2/9/2017
Peltzer in particular reminds me of these furby things in some online raise-pet game-thing I used to play. Chopper also deserves a mention - esp the fact that it might be able to clean the atmosphere. The relationship between them still strikes me as very fairy tale like, though I don't dislike it. This piece also reads a bit like a fictional crash course in possibilities of genetic engineering, which is... interesting, heh. Looking forward to see what happens next!
| Sychronergy chapter 1 . 2/9/2017
Anyway! I know I made some comments about this fic in the forums and it was just mean of me to not leave reviews on the actual story itself, haha. (I was sort of apprehensive that this will come up in a game xD) In general, I like the character of Jenny - Maybe it's because I don't read any sci-fi, but the fact that she has a rubbery green face is particularly memorable.
Is is coincident or is it a thing that your characters start off very sweetly toward one another? It's not my thing, but it's an interesting thing :P I also thought the writing style was a little quirky and that's sort of cute as well. I like how lighthearted her voice is in this peculiar world and given her appearance.
Anyway, brb as I try to imagine a four legged chicken, haha.
| TheBeastlyPrincess chapter 1 . 2/6/2017
The beginning is very grabbing, I like the way you ask the reader questions as if you are talking to them directly..:)
My particular critique for this chapter is the suddenness of their relationship, as a reader I would find the story much more satisfying and it would keep me reading it if I had the incentive of waiting for them to touch, kiss or hug. I think your story would also be more realistic if you drew it out a little more. Her feelings for him are almost instantly revealed, I again would prefer if maybe it wasn't so sudden.
Personally I don't think rubbery is a very to describe somebody's face, even if she is scarred, my advice would be to instead write something like; scarred, ugly, grotesque, ruined. Imagine how she would see her face, rubbery is a little bland, if you wrote ugly it would make us readers see how she sees herself..I hope that helps..?
Anyway, you have a really great writing style and your story is easy to get into, well done and good luck for the rest!
| voiddd chapter 2 . 2/4/2017
This chapter sets up a fascinating contrast between their sweet romance and the slightly darker reality outside their bubble. I like that Jenny drops hints here and there about the problems in their society - injustice, uncooperative laws, judgement of her looks, and other people frowning on teacher/student interactions outside the classroom. They really give the story depth and conflict, so it's not just a happy-go-lucky tale of two people falling in love in a perfect world. If you continue threading the story with these little seeds of imperfection, you might even be able to turn it into a (very subtly, but still distinctly foreshadowed) horror story or tragedy. Of course, it doesn't have to end in ruin; if these problems in society and Jack and Jenny's lives build up to a breaking point, you could have them heroically conquer the accumulated challenges and go on to a sort of happily ever after.
Anyway, those are just my thoughts. Sorry for being so long-winded! I just love trying to connect the little hints of darkness that you are (maybe intentionally, maybe unintentionally?) sowing throughout the otherwise sweet story. Keep up the good work - it's a very promising storyline!
| Encore19 chapter 1 . 1/8/2017
Oooo what an interesting read. While this is different to most things I read I'll compliment you with the fact it held my interest. Especially the romance ~ ~ ~ I thought it was cute. I was feeling a bit of anxiety reading through it though, wondering oh this poor woman is going to make a fool of herself and be embarrassed in front of her whole class. But I suppose she was worried about that herself so you did a good job of transmitting those feelings. I really dig the sci-fi aspect of this story. Jenny's talk about genetically altered hybrid humans was interesting, the little facts you put in there about how it bettered the fertilization process. And the splicing and genetics just was a neat future aspect to explore. The first-person style you've chosen to write in is different, I can't say yet if I would find it tiring over time, perhaps not. Good job!
| India Rose Ghersi chapter 1 . 1/2/2017
This is wonderful! You do a fantastic job of painting a very clear picture of the scenes and your descriptions are great! The only thing I might suggest is to take a look at the spacing. I know it can be tricky on Fiction Press, but maybe try leaving a line with a few random letters (i.e. XxX) to signal a change of scene or passage of time. You have great timing in terms of revealing thins slowly though and you have a great talent for writing. I look forward to reading more! All the best,
India Rose :)
| pollyspocket chapter 1 . 1/1/2017
The title choice "Doll Face" is very clever for the story, as it shows the ironic difference in society's view of beauty and how Jenny believes she is in fact not that.
I think Jack summed up the overall tone and core moral of the story with his line: "It really isn't as bad as you're making out, Jenny. Grotesque? That's nonsense," and "Someone like me has no problem with the way you look. So who cares about anyone who does?" Jack is viewing Jenny past her physical appearance, and instead viewing what truly matters, her likable personality and smart intellect. He represents what society should really do, instead of passing judgment on outer appearance, so that makes him a very likable character-but almost too likable, so early on. I'm almost wary of how incredibly nice Jack is to Jenny. I don't want Jenny to get hurt by someone, especially after the emotional pain that has scarred her of her father passing.
I get a science-fiction feel to this story as well, from the genetic engineering. It is very interesting and makes this story very unique. I appreciate reading a story-which I'm guessing is going to be a romance-that features a character who does not fit society's view of "beautiful."
I liked that you described Jenny's appearance at the end, as a reveal or sorts, and let readers have their own time to see her character and personality. It matches the message very well! I am excited to see more of Jack and figure him out, and see more of Jenny's life and how it is impacted by this genetic engineering.