|Reviews for Dessa|
| MegaRock452 chapter 2 . 6/20
I still like the way you describe everything in this story. The dream sequence was pretty well done in my opinion, and the relationships between the characters are pretty interesting. I don't have much else to say other than the fact that I hope to see these characters develop more. Especially Cabil.
| SForces chapter 2 . 6/19
Decent chapter here. There were a couple things I noticed.
Snake like weapon
Didn't really get this simile.
The fight scene was a bit off.
"He couldn't lose this slight advantage." Seems kind of opinionated and out of place. Doesn't really show us anything.
"He didn't bother approaching her, nearly draining half his energy."
Imagine what somebody drained of half their energy looks like in real life, then put those words describing it here instead.
Like an expert swordsman
That is a vague description. Doesn't really show us much.
Minutes to hours. Ten minutes to twelve.
Once you compare minutes to hours, it is awkward to compare minutes to minutes.
The dinner she prepared continued to sit there and cool.
What is for dinner exactly? Use imagery
A butchered unconscious Cabil
Butchered is the wrong word here
The last half of the Chapter had an Anime feel towards it. What I mean by that is the emotions, and reactions were surreal. She finds a paladin walking in with her brother covered in blood. Instead of sad, she is a little shocked. Then just a few minutes later forgets that her brother is covered in blood and tries to be a peeping tom to the Paladin?
Doesn't make too much sense to me and feels kinda Anime - esque.
Keep up the hard work!
| SForces chapter 1 . 6/19
Alright so this story thus far is interesting, I will give you that. The dialogue is decent, you can tell a little bit about the characters from reading it. The imagery is done well, there are spots here or there that it could be better. However for this draft, the story was written well. There were some things that could be improved however.
The first is the use of an ellipsis. Typically how you use it is like this:
Well... A weakness much welcomed
Kicks in... Or perhaps
day... Just one
Those are examples from your story that should be changed. Following an ellipsis should always be a space and the next word should be capitalized.
In the beginning passage I was a bit confused, but that's okay. Was he a vampire? That's the vibe I got from the Prologue.
After that passage the following passage I didn't know where they were or if/how much time had actually passed from the prior passage.
There is a part where she is yelling at him. I have posted changes below to show how you can format dialogue to bring forth character and emotion.
She's yelling try reading this "I AM your sister! I AM the one..."
When I pictured this scene I pictured her emphasizing those to get her point across. Just a thought.
What time period is this? I wasn't able to figure it out. There were references to what I believed was a cellphone. Then a key card with a key card reader. Then Halberds. Also alleyways. I'm sure it is not medieval times. Is is possibly futuristic with the reference of dual rapid fire pistols? Some more clarification would help the reader.
What is a demon in your story? That is very important. When I think of demon I think of a large monster with horns, possibility to throw fire. From the depths of hell as a reference. Yet in the story it mentioned some long black tongue. It also mentions demons, they take all forms. What forms? When the mother falls from the alleyway and notices the demon that is the perfect time to describe the demon. Maybe even exaggerate how it looks. The mother is terrified, her perspective could be skewed. This is the first time we see the demon, scare us. Make us fear the demons.
The following passage after the mother dies seems to be in the future as well. How much in the future? Time jumps are good. Time jumps without reference as to how much time as passed can be confusing, especially when there are multiple of them.
| MegaRock452 chapter 1 . 6/19
After reading chapter 1, i can already tell that you have a knack for detail. The way you describe the first scene was dark, bloody, and unsettling. Your descriptions are spot on too! Some of the ways you describe what's going on as far as demons and torture goes kinda reminds me of Berserk. One thing i can say though is that you don't necessarily have to go all out with sentence structure or your language.
I wasn't confused when reading it, but i think it'd be even better if you found a way to shorten them, but still keep it detailed. I have yet to read your other chapters, but i will tonight as long as i don't forget.
| thejammin78 chapter 1 . 6/19
Whilst I usually stick to reading sci-fi stories on Fiction Press, I am drawn in by the dark fantasy presented here, I find the characters interesting and with good depth, and I look forward to seeing how their stories unfold.
A couple of issues I have though, is the mixture of past/present tense in some of the sentences, it makes more sense to stick to one tense throughout to avoid confusion. And additionally it might just be me but your word use and knowledge is very impressive, however the big complex words and sentences could be off putting to some readers. A few times I had to re-read a sentence to understand the meaning, or look up a word. It might just be an indicator of my education haha, but I can imagine some readers would be put off by the use of big words. I myself see it as an opportunity to learn more words.
Overall, I look forward to the next chapters, good work on creating a lived-in, fleshed out universe.
| Dlombardi chapter 3 . 6/17
To Triple H :p
I actually am a fan, and I would ABSOLUTELY love my story animated Jap style I drew my characters out but keep forgetting to color them in x.x I do try to get a rising and falling action in all of my chapters if I could; sometimes I can't get everything in and end up slipping it into the next chapter.
Thank you! :3
| HasturHasturHastur chapter 2 . 6/15
I detect that you're probably a big anime fan...or maybe I just am... regardless I can see your characters staring in one. They're vivid and multifaceted even the mysterious Cat Skull assassin. The story is moving quickly and I think that's good. Getting right to the heart keeps from boring readers or loosing their attention
| CatPenBearer chapter 1 . 6/15
Well...high supernatural fantasy such as what is presented here isn't my cup of tea, to be honest, but there's an interesting premise based on what I've read here so far. You have a nice little talent for descriptive writing; all I would suggest is to keep the narrative sections to one consistent tense (at a few points in the narrative you shift to present-tense, although for the most part it's in past-tense save for the dialogue, which I approve of).
| HasturHasturHastur chapter 1 . 6/7
You're very well spoken as verbose as a thesaurus... But I like it the chapter has all the trademarks of good modern fantasy and is dark but not overwhelmingly so. I liked syreen and am eager to see what power she has.
| JulmaSatu chapter 2 . 6/7
Really enjoy your description and how well it paints the scenes. It really sets things like the uneasy feeling in the dream and it's easy to follow. The characters are all interesting so far and especially the relationship between Cabil and Syreene. I hope to see more about them and how they develop.
| GrimMonolith chapter 1 . 6/7
While I enjoy the English here, and I believe this could be a very interesting story, I have some unfortunate criticisms. First, I am quite confused throughout the chapter. The story seems to jump a bit, and I'm not quite sure where all this is or what is going on. I enjoy how you write as though the universe is established and don't dump explanations on me, however, and I assume you explain throughout the story. And my final criticism is a small one, in that you occasionally use too many adjectives within your descriptions. Otherwise a good story so far.
| Electrumwriter chapter 2 . 6/3
Malfoyaunt? I see you’re a Harry Potter fanatic, or rather, would have preferred his realm to be the Malfoyverse instead of the Potterverse. Anyway.
I liked this considerably better than chapter one. The action with Cabil’s trouble were already built up well. Is his assailant a demon or a cambion? I want to find out. Narus was not afraid of being rough to get the weapon out of him, was he? I think this part requires clarifying. It should state exactly what sort of healing Narus was going to undertake and how and then why it hurt so much. Of course, you as the author know exactly what’s going on, but I’ve had this difficulty with my own writing many times. Communicating everything to the casual reader with crystal clarity is a challenge.
I am intrigued by the dynamic with Cabil and his adoptive sister. Not least because of the taboo element to it… Still, we have little control over our fantasies and none at all over our dreams.
Do the clergy in this world have to take a vow of celibacy? If so, it won’t hurt to remind the reader in this chapter. It would make Syreene’s interest in him titillating in a taboo way as well.
You misspelled ‘cue’ incidentally. It’s not ‘que.’
The nightmare scene was unexpected and intense, but not gratuitous. It highlights Cabil’s trauma, doesn’t it? It’s right that he’s not completely over it quickly. I suppose it’s understandable that he’s so tetchy at the end.
Whether or not you intended it, his nightmare and dream sequences strongly evoke succubus visitations. That topic interests me as well. More could probably be done with it.
| GingerNinja93 chapter 3 . 5/29
There is a solid plot line, not normally what I would read on fictionpress but always up for something different. Some character development is definitely needed but hopefully, that will occur as the story unfolds. Definitely, has the bones for a fantastic story.
| Alexander chapter 3 . 5/22
I didn't see that coming; Narus, is he some makeshift demon or something? He was so badass and now, he's a priest lmao talk about an identity crisis. I'm definitely finishing this story to see where he goes.
| Guest chapter 3 . 5/21
You better stop taking your sweet time with these chapters. Leaving these cliffhangers all about.