|Reviews for Dessa|
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 2 . 3/21
At least there's a lot less fanciful descriptions in this chapter. Thanks for that. it made it much easier to read and less pretentious.
This was a good chapter, I'm sorry I missed the update by over a month, I didn't realize you've posted a new chapter. The assassin fight was cool, and I like Narus - he seems like a good character. You've defined him well enough in just the space of one chapter! That's awesome. The assassin is a bit shadowy, I wonder if she'll continue to stalk Cabil.
I'm betting the seductive dream he had was about his sister Syreene, but I could be mistaken...oh well, stuff happens, and I'm not going to judge poor Cabil. He has enough on his plate already. For a moment I thought he was going to be arrested, but he almost got assassinated instead. I guess that explains why Narus could interfere, and why Cabil could just head straight to the temple without worrying about being accosted by the authorities. Oh well. I guess we'll find out more soon.
| White Wolf Productions chapter 2 . 3/16
Much better flow this time, though be mindful of punctuation.
| AccountKillerdeletethisaccount chapter 2 . 2/27
I could see the improvement here. This is turning out to be the best story ever. I might post a third chapter on my story soon, but I'm still working on that. Have a good day!
| Harmony'sLoveHP chapter 2 . 2/26
There was so much improvement in this one compared to the first chapter. Nice job!
You have a very interesting plot line going on here and I am really enjoying it. I'm interested in seeing where the story line with Narus goes. I like how Cabil is a protective brother because after what they've been through, it sounds like Syreene needs someone like that. I also like how she's protective of him. They have a nice balance between them.
The pacing of your story is very good. I didn't find myself loosing interest throughout it. The action was not overdone nor was it overdone. Again, you had a very good balance going.
Some of the things that I have issues figuring out are the sounds that they are supposed to be making when they speak, but that may be more on my part. I like that you're making it so that they are speaking more like a real person would speak because humans do tend to make a lot of sounds to answer someone rather than saying a word.
Nice chapter! I can't wait for the next one!
| ronrobertson chapter 2 . 2/21
nice update. enjoyed it very much. keep it coming.
| Lewis'Fiction chapter 2 . 2/19
I really liked this chapter! The story really seems to be getting interesting, with the upcoming battle and all of the drama going on between the characters. A lot of back and fourth chatter and remarks that were quite humorous XD!
The next chapter should be interesting, I enjoy fight/action scenes so a battle will be most intriguing (or whenever it comes about) :) Keep up the good work.
| DreaLombardi chapter 1 . 2/11
Thanks so much for the feedback guys! I will be posting the second chapter this month!
| AccountKillerdeletethisaccount chapter 1 . 2/10
looks exciting! can't wait for next chapter!
| Guest chapter 1 . 2/1
There is something fishy about this plot twist, but I'm liking it so far. Nice world and character creation. Can't wait for chapter two. Get on that!
| King Teresa chapter 1 . 1/31
Damn, wth? So much going on! So far Cabil is catching my attention. Are those powers fueled by mana or something? It does not really say. Is he an elementalist? W/e it is, he reminds me of the brash kick ass types. Dope. Can't wait to see what happens to his ass. Keep writing
| ronrobertson chapter 1 . 1/16
First, I am not a professional writer nor did I take a lot of writing classes in high school or college. But I did take the James Patterson Master writing class. I enjoyed it. I write fanfiction and original stories for enjoyment. But in writing and reading my favorite phrase is the simpler the better.
It is a good story but a little confusing. I usually read a lot of James Patterson, Kugane Maruyama, Gakuto Mikume and Nisioisin. To name a few. I agree with Tomoyuki Tanaka regarding word choice. The more complicated the description and I will need to grab a dictionary. (I am not sure if I just insulted myself) but, my wife had to take out her smart phone and look up a few words. Example: The first scene i think is the torture and killing of a young woman. I’m guessing the introduction of the main villain? But I understand that your writing style is different than what I am use too.
I did get confused when it switched scenes, introducing more characters. But I still like the story so I will be following it. Looking forward to the next chapter.
PS. When I'm writing my fanfiction I tend to be lazy with the structure of the story, the use of commas, semicolons etc. even misspelling of words. So, I try not to hold that against anybody. As long as I am able to follow and enjoy the story. I use Dragon speak and Pro writing aid software or Microsoft word review in my writing. I get my big words from the thesaurus. usually no more than two maybe three syllables. Something geared towards the everyday reader. If I remember correctly, the Readers digest is written at an 8th grade level. That is not a slam against the story or anyone or Readers Digest.
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/13
Cabil is a rather interesting character. Would like to know more about his back story. The priest is a bit hyper, kinda reminds me of Vash the Stampede if you ever heard of it. In any case, would love to read the next chapter. Cabil got himself into a hot mess.
| Jay Streete chapter 1 . 1/14
A great start for sure! You've got some really interesting ideas!
I took a fiction writing course and one of the best pieces of advice it ever gave is that you don't need to be overly complex with your language or your sentence structure. Sometimes simpler is better because it's more approachable for a new audience. Reducing complex synonyms and complex sentence structure can make things easier to read. I wasn't personally confused by any of it however some things could be made a bit simpler by reducing uses of semicolons in favour of shorter sentences.
Overall though a great start with a very interesting premise! It'll be interesting to see where this story is headed! You've certainly put a lot of thought into building this world!
| Harmony'sLoveHP chapter 1 . 1/14
I used to be a really big fan of stories that involved demons, but I kind of fell out of that. That being said, I really loved this first chapter. It made me once again fall in love. You are a very talented writer.
I do not really have anything to nitpick at for you. I would say to watch your tenses. Sometimes it is really easy to slip into present tense. I think that only happened twice in your story, so I would not worry too much about it.
Your action scenes were a bit difficult to keep up with. In the scene with the little girl and her mother, I did not realize that someone had appeared to save her until he spoke, but that could have just been me misinterpreting things.
I think that you handled the amount of dialogue to description very well. That is something that I always find myself struggling with, but you handled it beautifully. I look forward to seeing where Cabil's story goes!
| Lewis'Fiction chapter 1 . 1/14
You seem to have a real talent for descriptive writing which of course works really well in the author world. It's a skill I've never been able to uphold! You really help paint a picture for the audience so they can visualise exactly everything that's happened.
I also like your depiction of your vampire character, after the classics like Dracula and the bad but popular Twilight, it's always hard to tackle that sort of genre, but I like what I'm reading here. Sounds promising.
I like how you've created your own little world, world building is always an important and spectacular aspect of the fantasy genre and always opens up plenty of opportunity to get people invested in your characters, cities/ towns and the creatures that roam the lands. Like your "Cappehas".
I like how you've introduced us into all these characters, sometimes throwing a bunch of characters at your readers can backfire horribly but in this instance I feel like you worked it pretty well.
I really like how this chapter ended, the use of a cliffhanger on the first chapter is a classic way of making people eager to find out what's going on, even if they only picked up your piece for a brief read. It's that kind of thing that makes people take your book to the counter!
No negative critism here, I like what I say and can tell you I'll be sticking around to see what happens to Cabil!