Reviews for Dessa
Dlombardi chapter 2 . 5/8
Satu,
Ha, that was actually my second revision; it was much more floral when I first posted it. I promise you I pulled out some of the flowers in my later chapters.

Thanks for all of the helpful reviews. I am definitely getting better with balancing dialogue with description :3 Also appreciate the followers to my story. I am uploading chapter three today. Sorry for the delay. I went back to school and it was too late to withdraw (mistakes were made lol). I also wanted to see what this nursing major was all about. In any case, Enjoy!
Julia Satu chapter 1 . 5/6
The first scene is very dark and bloody! Well, done.
I loved "exhale toxic torment, inhale toxic bliss". I am very intrigued by what type of weapon he is and what powers he has.
Avoid cliches like 'lived life to the fullest'.

Very descriptive, but it is too much. It detracts from the action because the reader is trying to picture the scene. "The blood oozing down her leg traced their path and beckoned her stagger to move with haste". Use simpler language so the reader doesnt have to translate the meaning. What is wrong with saying, "Blood oozed down her leg, leaving a path to follow. She hurried."

In general, you have a good start to a story here. I will point out one thing that was pointed out to me when I first started writing. It is no longer acceptable to jump from one person's POV to another in the same scene. If the scene starts out in one person's POV it should stay there and not jump to someone else's. Omnipresent POV is rarely used these days.

Overall, good start.
Gorilla0132 chapter 1 . 5/3
Your attential to atmosphere and details are amazing. You are very skilled at setting a scene, no doubt. But I won't lie, alot of the bigger, more complex and exotic words you used puzzled me. I was left reading a paragraph and sitting back wondering what I had actually been told. Also, I suggest setting up a simpler way to start this story. At the beginning, we are just thrown into the mix of things, and I was left wondering who the woman was and why she was fancing? Sashaying? Singing? But she was also hanging upside down and being tormented? It was all so confusing to me. In no way am I saying this is a bad story! It seems very well thought out. But I would suggest slowing things down a little and explaining who these people are, what they are, what this world is like, etc.
JulmaSatu chapter 1 . 5/2
I really enjoyed the introduction, it was very mysterious. The description throughout is really nice, and easily paints the pictures into your head. The scene of Mya's mother's death was unsettling (and gross!) because of that and I liked that a lot. I'm really liking Cabil and his attitude as well!

I enjoyed the first part of this story and plan on reading the next!
Guest chapter 1 . 4/12
That introduction was eerie. I don’t know what it was all about, I’m thinking you’ll uncover the mystery in the next chapter. I hate vampires. I hope he gets what’s coming to him!
Well good grief, Cabil has a lot goin’ on! He’s a complicated guy, out of place too. Good thing he has someone though. Looks like if anything happens to Syreene, he’d be out of commission. So far I’m liking Ben. He’s hilarious. I’m definitely reading the next chapter.
Guest chapter 1 . 4/10
That introduction was eerie. I don’t know what it was all about, I’m thinking you’ll uncover the mystery in the next chapter. I hate vampires. I hope he gets what’s coming to him!
Well good grief, Cabil has a lot goin’ on! He’s a complicated guy, out of place too. Good thing he has someone though. Looks like if anything happens to Syreene, he’d be out of commission. So far I’m liking Ben. He’s hilarious. I’m definitely reading the next chapter.
PeachesForMe chapter 2 . 4/10
Awesome start to this one. The question pulls you right into the action- no backstory, no "setting the scene". Great opening!

I enjoyed the style of this chapter a little more than the first. There's more focus on the actions and less descriptive language. The dialogue in particular is realistic. While some people may be offended by cursing, I find it to be a great tool if it's used well because it is so true to how people talk (nobody says, "oh darn!" when they stub their toe).

One other suggestion is to take it easy on descriptions following quotes. A lot of times, "said" works fine because readers overlook it and can just infer how the quote sounds based on context and what is actually being said. Words like "hissed", "puffed", etc. are okay once in a while but can become distracting. Plus, it's hard to "hiss" or "beam" a whole sentence- I personally stick to "said", "cried", "yelled", "whispered", and "asked" with some exceptions.

Great job with this chapter! The story is moving along well. I am very interested in the character Cabil. Your description of his dream was really convincing and it made me interested in him because he is not your typical "tough-guy" soldier that a lot of fantasy novels have (think Aragorn in LOTR I guess). I'll keep reading as you update!
PeachesForMe chapter 1 . 4/10
I like to come back to the review box and leave comments as I read, so:

Regarding the blurb. It sounds like fantasy, I'm hype.

The intro is beautifully written and the words flow together well. However, trying to understand it is a little difficult. I had to research some words and some of them are so fancy that it sounds a little pretentious. I would maybe swap out some words like "coloratura" and "carnal" for something that is a little easier to understand. Beautifully written though!

You also don't have to explain the whole characters' appearance right away. Let it come naturally in the story.

Overall, I would say that your decriptive language is a little *too* flowery. It distracts from the story because it's hard to follow the sentences. For example, instead of "He leaned in, his porcelain flushed lips practically perched on her engorged cheeks", maybe try something with less adjectives, like "He leaned in, his lips perched on her cheeks" and then describe her cheeks another time. Definitely tone it down a lot on the adjectives because they can be distracting.

The story is beautifully written, other than that. The page stops are very effective, especially when the word "massacre" appears right after one. "She bucked" should probably be "she buckled" or "her knees buckled". The pacing is also very good- not too slow, not too fast. Focusing more on the action than the description will give your characters a chance to develop more! I'll give this story a follow. It's excellent and I hope you continue!
Saebre chapter 1 . 4/9
Firstly, the use of archaic language is good, especially in descriptions. I don't know if it's like it to others, but it creates a feeling of sophistication and makes the descriptions more enjoyable to read, likely due to you not repeating descriptive words repeatedly. Secondly, the opening line was strong and instantly grabbed my attention, and I also enjoyed the fact that you used onomatopoeia to start paragraphs, like 'click' and 'huff'. It makes it more realistic, in my opinion.

And now the characters. Cabil is well-written and, though his backstory hasn't been explained in this chapter, he is rather interesting and doesn't fall in any cliches from what I've read. The priest is odd, but that isn't bad, and I like that there's diversity in the way that both Cabil and Nars are written. The plot twist at the end is definitely good for helping to create momentum to both drive the plot forward and get readers to continue reading.

The only negative criticism I'd give is don't make your choice of languagee too complex. Like I said before, I enjoy the use of archaic and less-frequent synonyms in description, but just remember not to make the reader search up the meaning of every word, as otherwise that will likely cause them to lose interest. That being said, I enjoyed the first chapter, and I'll definitely go on to read the second chapter, and I'll definitely give this story a follow.
Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 2 . 3/21
At least there's a lot less fanciful descriptions in this chapter. Thanks for that. it made it much easier to read and less pretentious.

This was a good chapter, I'm sorry I missed the update by over a month, I didn't realize you've posted a new chapter. The assassin fight was cool, and I like Narus - he seems like a good character. You've defined him well enough in just the space of one chapter! That's awesome. The assassin is a bit shadowy, I wonder if she'll continue to stalk Cabil.

I'm betting the seductive dream he had was about his sister Syreene, but I could be mistaken...oh well, stuff happens, and I'm not going to judge poor Cabil. He has enough on his plate already. For a moment I thought he was going to be arrested, but he almost got assassinated instead. I guess that explains why Narus could interfere, and why Cabil could just head straight to the temple without worrying about being accosted by the authorities. Oh well. I guess we'll find out more soon.
White Wolf Productions chapter 2 . 3/16
Much better flow this time, though be mindful of punctuation.
AccountKillerdeletethisaccount chapter 2 . 2/27
I could see the improvement here. This is turning out to be the best story ever. I might post a third chapter on my story soon, but I'm still working on that. Have a good day!
Harmony'sLoveHP chapter 2 . 2/26
There was so much improvement in this one compared to the first chapter. Nice job!
You have a very interesting plot line going on here and I am really enjoying it. I'm interested in seeing where the story line with Narus goes. I like how Cabil is a protective brother because after what they've been through, it sounds like Syreene needs someone like that. I also like how she's protective of him. They have a nice balance between them.
The pacing of your story is very good. I didn't find myself loosing interest throughout it. The action was not overdone nor was it overdone. Again, you had a very good balance going.
Some of the things that I have issues figuring out are the sounds that they are supposed to be making when they speak, but that may be more on my part. I like that you're making it so that they are speaking more like a real person would speak because humans do tend to make a lot of sounds to answer someone rather than saying a word.
Nice chapter! I can't wait for the next one!
ronrobertson chapter 2 . 2/21
nice update. enjoyed it very much. keep it coming.
L.J. Cooke chapter 2 . 2/19
I really liked this chapter! The story really seems to be getting interesting, with the upcoming battle and all of the drama going on between the characters. A lot of back and fourth chatter and remarks that were quite humorous XD!

The next chapter should be interesting, I enjoy fight/action scenes so a battle will be most intriguing (or whenever it comes about) :) Keep up the good work.
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