|Reviews for Dessa|
| shika-paprika chapter 4 . 1h
A few things: write out "ok" as "okay" and use more character tags. During Narus and Cabil's conversation, it was a little hard to see who was saying what. It was obvious that Cabil was speaking when he brought up his sister, but it still would've been nice to see more descriptions for characters(their ethnicity, hair color, eye color, accent, etc.) Syreene is definitely my favorite character in this and I'd like to see her be just as useful as her brother. All in all, nice work.
| shika-paprika chapter 3 . 1h
So this chapter was basically a flashback, interesting idea. It was fascinating to learn about Syreene and the discrimination between humans and elven. I kind of had a feeling there was something off about Lleighan before her true form was revealed and it's easy to see that night took a toll on poor Syreene. This is becoming more interesting to read, maybe I was too quick to judge in my first review. As for errors, you're missing commas, still have the ellipsis issue, and when you have two parts of dialogue in a sentence, end the first part with a comma.
| DogGoesMoo chapter 2 . 3h
I like the action sequence at the beginning of the chapter. It was easy to follow and well written. And the 'accidental' gawking incident was also funny.
He turned to Narus' focus-the assassin across them [stood there shaken,] - (maybe move the comma to the beginning of this section and change it to present tense like the sentence)
As he pulled his hand from her, a [splatter of cloaked his fingertips] - (?)
So far I'm very intrigued in where your taking this.
| DogGoesMoo chapter 1 . 4h
You kick us off with a chilly scene ending in uncertainty before we go to Cabil. I like how you introduce us to the world and the sudden actions (Cabil nearly killing the blond).
The scene with the vampire (I'm guessing) and his hostage kind of ran into Cabil and Syreene abruptly. You should split them with a line or something.
Syreene nodded before [Cabil flame] blasted out of the park - [Cabil's flame?]
| ErikM chapter 1 . 4h
This is a gorgeously written piece of writing so far. Your use of descriptive imagery is almost poetic, which reminds me of Patrick Rothfuss (even though he's obviously not the only one to do that), which is definitely not what I'm used to from unfinished stories I find on these sites. It makes me want to go back to writing long-term projects instead of my weekly chapter schedule! It's a more intense read. You've clearly put a lot of time going over these few chapters and making them shine.
The only problems I could possibly point out would be minor, picky things related to grammar. Keep up the good work!
| Dlombardi chapter 4 . 9h
Alex, don't you dare! x.x
| shika-paprika chapter 2 . 7/24
Still noticed you forgot to put a space after an ellipsis at some parts. I would've liked to see more character tags instead of just referring characters as "he" or "she", to tell them apart and make them more memorable to the reader. The last paragraph of the first scene was pretty cluttered and little confusing to read, should've separated the narration from the dialogue. I have to admit, this chapter was a little more interesting than the last one, that awkward bath scene was kind of funny. And the fight scene near the beginning was well-written, but I felt it could've used a little more excitement, something to spice it up.
| Jaya Avendel chapter 4 . 7/24
Very nice chapter. The first scenes were exciting and the rest of it flowed out well.
| Jaya Avendel chapter 3 . 7/24
Your combat descriptions are avid and gripping. You ended the chapter at a nice, tense place.
In my experience, it helps if you use other words to express yourself rather then swearing. Searing is a lazy way to bring meaning to what you are trying to say. When I say swearing I mean use of very strong language. Perhaps it would be better if you added some description to the sentence rather then just swearing.
Other then that, good job. Keep it up!
| Jaya Avendel chapter 2 . 7/24
Cabil and Syreene are very interesting. They make a good pair. The last scene was a little confusing. It would help if you used a name occasionally rather then just She.
| Jaya Avendel chapter 1 . 7/24
Great first chapter. Your descriptions are avid and your characters well portrayed. I like how you have chosen your dialogue carefully to make it more fantasy. That is something that can be hard to find.
Good job! I am looking forward to reading more.
| Alexander chapter 4 . 7/22
Ha! I wanna say I know who Zyda is, I think, but I’m no spoiler. That devious little bitch. Again Cabil won me over. Can’t wait for the next chapter.
| shika-paprika chapter 1 . 7/22
So one thing I noticed is you didn't put a space after an ellipsis. For example: "Well...a..." And I'll say this, I'm not a big fan of fantasy stories. No offense to you, but I would probably enjoy this more if I was into it. That's not to say it's a boring read, though. It's well-written, you're very descriptive with your imagery. The only part I like about this is the dialogue, it definitely keeps things interesting. Not sure if I like the added sound effects, they seem a bit cheesy to me. Overall, not a bad start.
| themysticalauthor chapter 3 . 7/13
I love it! The story you have written just pulls your reader in! It's a magnificent piece of art! I love all of the descriptions you use. I can picture the setting and the characters so clearly, it's just beautiful! Truly a work of art. There really isn't anything I think that needs critiquing.
| SimonClemens chapter 3 . 7/13
My translation of the first paragraph: "He sulked in the dark while gardening, feeling guilty."
So I just imagined Batman doing indoor gardening.
First things first, let me tell you that this is NOT my favorite writing style and I am probably not the audience this is meant for.
It's very flowery, and...well, girly.
It's Purple Prose. And this is as purple as it gets.
I am not a fan.
That said, you wrote well enough in the style, with all hallmarks of romantic era purple prose (cyan/sapphire or something instead of the word blue, ivory instead of white, sanguine instead of red and my favorite 'raven-haired,' it just never gets old). Also the use of mood by way of whatever memory this dude's tongue is having. Seriously, the first tongue-induced flashback I've ever seen.
Between the winding descriptions of blood being awesome you tend to run on the sentences; makes the writing a little flabby. It can be purple and still concise.
Wrong word usage-
Hallow: to honor as holy; or referring to a saint or holy person.
I was confused for a second.
You don't need the tilde before the flashbacks, the italics are enough(unless that's to help formatting) for that.
The dialogue reads silly to me.
"_ this!" comebacks tend to do that. I don't usually mind clichés like that in dialogue, just...Use them with care. Also, "deescalate?" Why was that better and smoother word to use than "lower?"
Your verb tenses are all over the place("the elder lunged...Kess YANKS him"). Use past or present tense, not both, unless it's with clear sections separating the contexts for either.
"Juddering"...I was going to fault you on that, but then I looked it up and you just taught me a new word, congrats.
Plot: 7 (has a clear focus to drive the plot in that every event is things that happen in the girl's life on the path to her goal, but just going off this chapter even that is easily derailed because she is not the focus POV)
Writing: 5 (points taken off for tense jumping, unnecessary run-on sentences, narm dialogue, and punctuation problems/formatting)
As for personal enjoyment, I already said I don't like the writing style and so I had to force myself to go past the first sentence, but I also don't feel I wasted my time once I finished.
In short, this is probably my favorite vampire/werewolf story on Fictionpress to feature purple prose and a female protagonist that wants to be/will become a warrior.
It needs some work, though.
Best of luck.