|Reviews for Unchained Demonic Chronicles|
| Cameron Pobuda chapter 6 . 4/19/2017
I am really liking the story so far! Can't wait to see how it unfolds in the future!
| Guest chapter 4 . 3/15/2017
This chapter was nicely balance of dialogue, actions, and events. Calling it now that the guy the imp was talking about is Lucifer.
| Monty Mason chapter 1 . 2/17/2017
I came across your story last night, and thought to leave you a review here. Before I start, let me make full disclosure that some things in my review may sound offensive, but it is written to be brutally honest with the intention of helping you improve. Take what I say here with a grain of salt if necessary :).
When I first started reading the chapter from “[Ominous Presence]”, I could tell that there is room for improvement. Why not describe what this ominous presence feels like? Right now it feels like you are trying to go for script writing rather than a novella. Though I know this not to be the case, but do consider making that bit more descriptive.
You do not need to bold nor italicize the thoughts since this story is written from a first perspective. As long as the writing is clear, the competent reader will be able to determine the differences between an action and an inner thought of the character.
When you first introduce Shido, while it’s good that you consider describing his features to the extent that you did. You tend to overload that one paragraph with too much description. Think about how you can introduce him more organically description wise.
For example: I pause momentarily to look at myself in the mirror positioned on my bedroom door. I fix a few stray strands of my green spiky hair back into place. My striking emerald-green eyes study the devious smile plastered onto my face. Looking good there Yorugen Shido. I rub my hand across my pointed chin and strong jaw. Lifting up my arms, I flexed them before the mirror appreciating the well toned of a temple that is my body.
The only thing missing from my example is the age which I don’t think you really need to mention if you mention the grade/year the character is in. Readers can then judge the age for themselves. Either that, or introduce it in some other manner later through a conversation perhaps.
Why do we need to know the body measurements for Kyoko? That seems like its treading the line between descriptive writing and just plain fan service. There are quite a lot of other points I can see for improvement, so rather than go into too much detail here, check out the next two sections.
What you did well on:
1 – Overall atmosphere of the various scenes felt just right. It was not too drama heavy nor too annoying.
2 – The choice to include break lines was a good one. It helps break the chapter down and makes it easier to keep track of where you last left off.
3 – Characters for the most part personality wise seemed varied. Although I did get a one dimensional vibe from them when they were first introduced early on in the chapter, it is only later does it seem like these characters maybe different from one another. Still work can be done on improving the portrayal to further cement how they are different from one another.
What I see needing improvement:
1 – Descriptions. Your story, while it has some is sorely lacking in description to properly help paint a picture of little details in the reader’s mind. Remember the rule, show don’t tell.
2 – Grammar. This is not as bad as your descriptions, BUT you still need to work on it. A grammatical error can easily throw the reader out of the immersion.
3 – Cliches, try to rely a little less on them. I have read this type of story numerous times (at least how it began) in several mangas. If you want to genuinely keep people’s attention, then bring something unique to the table, something new added to the mix (even if it’s something little for now). Give me a hook to latch on to.
4 – Formatting. You tend to italicize and bold the thoughts of the main character. There is no need for this and the bolding is incredibly distracting when mixed in with the un-bolded text. I also noticed how you are treating this like a light novel story. The problem is that you don’t have the ability to post visuals with the story that a traditional light novel has. So that means you have to work more on the descriptions and the finer details of the scenes.
5 – Exposition. The way you did it here in the first chapter is sometimes painful to read through. There is TOO much information given at one time. This also relates to the descriptions point. Pace it out instead of just getting it out there like a machine gun on a roll.
6 – Fan service. Do try to limit it, and (this is just my personal preference) if possible, get rid of it. Such blatant fan service in novels is cringe worthy. It also does not help to establish the credibility of your characters as they seem nothing more than sex starved people.
7 – Dialogues. Some of them are rather awkwardly written, something that you normally wouldn’t say in the way they are said in the chapter. Try reading out the dialogs and see if they actually make sense and flow organically.
I realize that the improvement points outweigh what I thought you did well on. But in the current state of the chapter as it is, I can’t as a reviewer just say good job even if there are clear flaws here. I do hope you take the points here into consideration whether that be to review this chapter, or for writing future chapters.
Hopefully this review helps. If you have any questions or concerns, do not hesitate to PM me!
~ Monty Mason
| skullpopKYON chapter 3 . 2/12/2017
Ooh... Akeno and Shido not being related brings lots of new possibilities to the table.
...Only, those possibilities are for you to decide.
Keep the chapters coming, I'm really loving this story.
| skullpopKYON chapter 2 . 2/9/2017
Hmm... Kyoko is a lot eviler than I had predicted. Good job on proving my predictability wrong! I can't wait for the next chapter. Keep it coming!