|Reviews for Tangled Webs|
| Dlombardi chapter 9 . 1/8/2018
I liked the new addition to the family. I had to reread where Meril introduced himself but I don't think he did. It would read better if he gave his name to either Rizzen or Druzil (or both) rather than having the narrator mention it. The rest of the story seems to be either Druzil's point-of-view or Rizzens so it would follow that pace if one of them learned his name.
I'm curious to see how Meril's role will play in the life of those two. A little tip on describing the scene you don't have to necessarily describe it in depth but you can through your characters senses such as touch feel smell Etc. It could really set the vibe for your chapters if you elaborated just through those senses alone; trust me it'll make a difference!
| Dlombardi chapter 8 . 1/8/2018
Ughh, and I’m squeamish too. I felt his pain, even more so gagged to how that leg mighta’ looked like. I am surprised he hadn’t died. How did he handle the pain and injury for weeks?!
I’m kinda confused as to why Faraniel knocked Druzil out; he was up for when he adjusted the bone to his leg. Seemed suspicious, that could just be me though. It was an interesting chapter, seeing how Faraniel and Druzil conversed, and I liked how Rizzen took the risk of saving his brother by going to Faraniel. The only thing I didn’t understand much was how it ended; it ended so abruptly. I actually scrolled up and down to make sure my firefox wasn’t playing tricks on me. I would add some more material towards the end, or wrap it up a little more tightly.
Aside from that, good chapter. Just watch out for your passive voice!
| Barbados chapter 14 . 11/18/2017
Hell, pretty sure.
Well, the conversation between Piraniel and Coron answers my previous chapter's question of "What about Coron?" but unfortunately, because of the swiftness of the chapters, the real emotional impact of it was kind of lost.
We've only got two chapters in which we get to know Ek'Ressa and Coron, and it just moves too fast to become deeply vested in them.
And, i still fail to see the appeal of Ek'Ressa through the dialogue of this chapter.
So, the story overall - good story, good characters, and my original remarks about Drizzt were way off base in the end (only the initial backstory had similarities, but beyond that it was nothing like him.)
A rewrite will do it good - there is a lot that could stand to be fleshed out and grown to give it the weight it deserves.
I enjoyed it, and look forward to their further adventures soon.
| Barbados chapter 13 . 11/18/2017
For me, this chapter took a step back.
It wasn't bad, it just felt a bit too comical and in some ways out of place. In particular, the book felt silly, and too modern for the setting. Why would they even have it, if there are no humans there?
i have no qualms about the relationship between Ek'Ressa and Piraniel itself, although I can't imagine what he sees in her that's redeeming in any way.
I do think Coron sort of vanished after being introduced, with no mention of how Piraniel treats or handles the child.
So, all in all, this chapter felt a bit rushed and disjointed to me.
| Barbados chapter 12 . 11/18/2017
That escalated quickly!
I did not see Piraniel's betrayal coming, and was genuinely shocked and mortified as it was revealed. Really fantastic work there. I'm also glad it happened, because the story really needed this conflict and this was the perfect time to bring it in.
Good show on how it ate at Piraniel, as well, and the developments that followed.
Last chapter you raised the bar, and this one you raised it again. I also feel like the quality of the writing has improved since Ch 1, which is great to see.
| Barbados chapter 11 . 11/17/2017
This was the best chapter yet, for sure!
The tension between Druzil and Piraniel finally comes to a head very nicely.
You did a great job showing Druzil's emotional turmoil throughout, as well. Well done.
And a literal cliff hanger ending!
| Barbados chapter 10 . 11/15/2017
Great place to end it!
Glad that Rylil was a jerk, everyone seemed a bit too welcomimg at this point, and one more would have been the peoverbial straw.
Canned fruit? Seems too modern, but maybe I'm not envisioning what you dis when you wrote it.
It's almost over :(
| Barbados chapter 9 . 11/15/2017
I hope the child lives, because if not, and Druzil gets blamed for it... eek!
And i wonder what Firaniel and Druzil discussed, hmm...
A nice chapter. A new dilemma for our sibling duo, on with potentially diastrous consequences. Nice way to end it.
| Barbados chapter 8 . 11/15/2017
I find Firaniel's question of Druzil beating Rizzen odd - since they have observed them quite a bit from the sound of it, and to my knowledge, have seen no indication that such a thing took place. He did remark that it was on account of his race, but having been recounted the story of the escape and everything... that just felt like an odd question to me.
I did like that Rizzen is showing more independence, and less reliance on Druzil. This is a very important development for him, I feel.
Overall a good chapter, with some strong developments for both the plot and the characters.
There were more typos than usual, but since you're planning a rewrite, I won't dwell on them.
| Barbados chapter 7 . 11/14/2017
The line breaks really helped with the flow, and were a good choice.
The reunion between Druzil and Rizzen was heartwarming. Rizzen feels a little too dependent on his brother's acceptance and love, but that may be an accurate situation considering what they've been through.
Gross parasites, very well illustrated. Sufficiently creepy and ew.
I suspect it is just a matter of time before Piraniel finds out, though... guess i better keep reading to see. :)
| Barbados chapter 6 . 11/14/2017
Phew, a lot happening in such a little span!
The bonding between everyone grows closer, and stronger. I was quite concerned for Rizzen after the cow incident. He's very fortunate.
My main things in this chapter:
1) Do the surface elves know the Drow language? It seems the note would probably have been written in Drow, but maybe not - however, if so, then not sure Faraniel could have read it?
2) In one breath Sela is very seriously and sternly chastising Riff. In the next, she's telling him it's not his fault and that he probably feels unjustly guilty. It felt like too rapid a change of temperament.
I appreciate the suspense of not knowing if Druzil has survived the winter by not having anything from his POV - which also makes the way you closed this chapter perfect.
| Barbados chapter 5 . 11/13/2017
Wow, Rizzen is honest to a fault. I'm interested to see if that comes and bites him in the rear at some point.
The scene with Piraniel, Rizzen and Justiniel in the blizzard felt a tiny bit rushed, but was still a great moment in the story.
Also, love all your names.
There was some lovely imagery here of the snowfall after the blizzard, and the freezing waterfall, and more. Really pretty word pictures.
Back for more later. :)
| Barbados chapter 4 . 11/13/2017
Whoa Rizzen, wanting Druzil killed is a really extreme reaction. Thankfully he simmered down from the note, but I was really shocked that he would take that stance so quickly.
I liked the line of questioning about the blue hair, etc. Provided some good including while being an entirely logical string of questions/discussion.
Oooh... Hmm... did Piraniel's wife die in the raid Druzil was on, I wonder? And is one of the kids Druzil saved there in that house? Very nice connection, if so.
I was very surprised at all of the plumbing. Indoor toilets and showers seem oddly out of place in this elf village. They have tiled bathrooms, sofas, etc - but a straw roof. It's an odd juxtaposition. Granted, they are elemental affiliated, which could explain it some. And of course this is your own world, so what technological advancements could have been made, etc, very well may defy expectations. I really don't know much about the world at large yet.
I like the trees above expression, and others that provide some flavor/culture to the inhabitants of the story. Those details always help build the setting very well, imo.
Some good developments all around, and I look forward to continuing!
| Barbados chapter 3 . 11/11/2017
Nice suspenseful ending to the chapter, I like it.
Personally, I'm having a hard time with the dialogue. In particular, Rizzen's "I say, Druzil, it healed" as if he was just reading some steam-punk fiction and adopted some of the dialect. I half-expected his next works to be, "Capital job on the splint, dear brother."
Speaking of brother, I did find Rizzen calling Druzil his dad touching, and feel like you should draw that out more? We get no reaction from Druzil to Rizzzen saying that, and I feel like it's a big deal?
Some thoughtful details sprinkled throughout, like the leaking roof, were excellent touches that help ground the story and make it feel more real.
And a very touching decision at the end that is sure to impact both characters on many levels going forward.
Overall and excellent chapter! :)
| alltheeagles chapter 14 . 11/10/2017
Hey, I want to know what a half-drow looks like too! I hope you introduce that cousin in Brothers in Arms, or in a third instalment. And this isn't a criticism, but I rather hoped there would be a stronger link between this story and the next one, ie some kind of explanation on why the brothers left the village. It's not a big problem if you don't have it, but if you did, I think that would make it even better.