|Reviews for The Boy with One Wing|
| Gingerbread Candi chapter 1 . 6/21/2017
That story was great! But I saw some grammar issues you need to fix. I also like the characters. Also, I like your fanfictions!
(I'm currently writing a book that's like Sword art online, exepct it's not.)
| DracoNako chapter 1 . 3/11/2017
I don't know if you've already submitted this for a grade or not, but I have some feedback anyway. Take it with a grain of salt.
I feel like this short would benefit from an actual summary, first of all. The current one tells me absolutely nothing except that some misfortuned soul - and the details on them are shaky as hell. Are they dead? I can't tell.
The first line does very little to capture my interest. It's a question aimed at people who can't even really answer it. Sure, it gets me to wonder just what life choice he is regretting, but that's about it. I'm more turned-off than I am intrigued. Very fast way to lose readers.
This short would benefit from less fourth-wall breaking. Because that is... EVERYWHERE. Levi is talking directly to the reader and it's distracting. I don't want to be told all of these things. I don't want him to assume what I'm thinking. I want him to get on with his damn mission. I don't care what he's thinking because he's so far given me almost no reason /to/ care.
Not to mention that all this fourth-wall breaking is just an excuse for Levi to infodump. He rambles on about his mission and how he has to find someone - meanwhile I'm wondering whether he's inside or outside on a hot desert day.
The whole "my name is _ and I'm _" is really overdone in stories, to be honest. I don't care about his name and honestly by the time we get to the tidbit about his angel wing, I'm less excited than I should be.
Speaking of the angel wing, we really don't need the backstory on that. All it does is give us paragraphs of information that detracts from the actual plot. And the plot is... finding someone? So far that's all we got and we're [probably] several hundred words in.
As an aside, I don't know where you've looked, but "ninja" stories aren't... too... common in Japanese lore? I mean, they EXISTED. But there's more stories about samurai or cats, to be honest. Not to mention the modern-day interpretation on ninjas is quite different from their original lore. So there's that. Also, the tangent Levi goes on ABOUT ninjas is... not needed.
The only impression I have so far of Levi is that he's very easily distracted, kind of a douchebag, and needs a sedative or something. Having character flaws is a good thing, but the way they're wrote in this piece is... not the most optimal to go about it.
This story does a lot of TELLING to readers. Telling is fine and all, but telling of THIS volume makes for dull and infuriating prose. First-person narration doesn't normally work like this. It's like third-person - just with different pronoun usage.
I think describing the noise that distracted him would be beneficial.
If Levi is in a desert, and outside like I've been led to believe, he would hear crunching sand. Footsteps on sand sounds loads different than it does on wood or linoleum or tile.
Don't... bold the antag's dialogue. Please. All it does is strain the reader's eyes. There's a reason large swathes of bold text are frowned upon in literature.
"Before I could even react, I felt a sudden spike in force hitting..." I feel like this could be described better, honestly. For starters, removing "sudden" [the suddeness is already implied]. Another thing you could do is /describe/ the force. Is it spread out, like a punch? An actual spike? Does it hit towards his neck or his shoulders? Or by his tailbone? Helps readers determine height of the attacker, too.
See, when Levi is attacked, this is a /GOOD/ example of fourth-wall breaking. It actually WORKS here! I like that! I actually get excited for a moment!
How does Levi know he was kicked? See, DESCRIBING the attack back when it happened would make this more cohesive.
Is Levi hunched over in pain? Has he had the breath knocked out of him from impact with the pillar? Elaborating on that will make his stunted dialogue more reasonable.
Honestly, "Alpha" doesn't look or sound too intimidating as a character. I'm meaning his description, by the way. Not his name. He sounds like an edgy teenager... and I'm not scared of edgy teenagers.
Levi doesn't need to go onto this mass tangent about how he first met Alpha.
"but that would require both of is equals" Us, not is. Also, I think you're missing a word ["be equals"?]
They do a lot of talking when they could've already been duking it out by now.
Speaking of which, the dialogue is... a bit too fanciful to be believable. Even in real life, I don't think two people who hate each other would talk in such... large, wordy sentences. And in prose, the dialogue would be tighter anyhow.
"Before I had time to react, I felt my arm..." could remove "I felt" here.
The fight scene is pretty good - if a bit wordy - right until Levi is about to launch his finishing blow. I could see what was happening... and then we go back to lack of description.
I like that the fight knocked the sense into him - literally and metaphorically. I like that Alpha's affect on him is clearly shown in the aftermath of this fight. This is GOOD. The conclusion is... probably the strongest part of this piece, honestly.
-Levi is way too f#cking wordy. He goes on mass tangents and breaks the fourth wall almost everywhere, and most of the time in a not-good way. Looking up resources on how to write first-person would really benefit this piece.
-The dialogue could be tightened up. Lots. Like the rest of the piece, the dialogue gets way too wordy.
-Don't bold Alpha's dialogue. Ever. I actually got a headache when I was trying to read it.
-DESCRIPTION. Description would benefit this piece GREATLY.
-There is a lot of telling, when the things being told can either be omitted or shown to the readers.
-The fight scene was GOOD... mostly. I already highlighted where it can be fine-tuned.
-The conclusion is GREAT. Again, could use some tuning, but it's the strongest part of this piece by FAR.
-When I picture Alpha, all I can picture is some edgelord teen who probably hangs out on Reddit. Develop him more. Give me a reason to actually be scared of him past "he wears all black and steals things"
-The dynamic between Levi and Alpha is FANTASTIC. It's tangible, they have history [which can be fine-tuned too...] and it SHOWS. That's AWESOME.
All in all, this wasn't bad and really just needs some polishing to make it something wonderful. You have a lot of good things going for you. Happy writing!