|Reviews for Jake and Jane|
| AlternatingCurrent chapter 1 . 3/14/2017
You've created a fascinating protagonist, and a believable serial killer. We find out he lies right away when he doesn't tell us at the very beginning about his ability to see red when he talks about being color blind. This simple but deep character detail sets him apart from just any old serial killer.
I'm not sure why he feels the need to ask the girl for the date and year, except for it to give the reader the setting. And when he does ask, she responds as if it is a totally normal question to be asked what year it is. This type of question usually gets a strange look, at the very least.
"Christina's mind could only comprehend Jake's last words to her before losing consciousness." Here you've switched from first person narration to third person narration. Also consider that Jake can't know for sure what is going on in Christina's mind and can only make observations or guesses based on what he sees.
I am definitely intrigued by the summary and wondering who could possibly be involved in a demented romance with Jake. It is a haunting first chapter, especially with Jake's fixation on the color red, and it keeps me intrigued to keep reading.
| Monty Mason chapter 1 . 3/14/2017
NOTE: To other readers, reviewers and commenters. Please take notice that this review may contain some spoilers from the chapter. Read at your own discretion.
Before I start the review, let me preface it by saying that some things in here may sound too blunt, but they are there with the intention of helping you improve. With that out of the way, let's get started.
First things first, why did you have that section after the "Animosity" in bold? You already have two break lines to separate and differentiate it from the rest of the text.
Why is this center formatted? Any particular reason as it can be quite tedious to read.
The grammar could use some work. There are little mistakes here and there that tend to hamper the reading experience a little bit. A fine combed edit with your chapter should help resolve the issue.
There is also the issue of tense switching. Though this one is VERY rare. Again this maybe something to keep in mind if you plan to edit this chapter again.
Dialog, some of it sounded a tad awkward in reading. Try saying it out loud to yourself, some of it just didn't sound like what a normal human being would say. Also asking for the year in a dialog seems like something that would earn the character a rather confused and strange look than an answer.
While it's good you are into such descriptive writing, what purpose does describing the street to the extent that you did serve? It doesn't really add anything to the story. Telling us the year would give us an idea of what the architecture maybe like.
Very well done plot twist with who the real killer is here.
What you did well on:
1. Pacing for this chapter is very well done.
2. Atmosphere setup is great.
3. The action was well described.
4. Good amount of detail put into your chapter that helps to paint clear pictures in the reader's mind. Although there was the one section that overdid it a little bit (more on that in the next section).
5. The plot twist you pulled off with who the real killer is was executed very well. I originally thought they were working together, but turns out that wasn't the case.
What needs improvement:
1. Grammar. Some of your grammar is really off. This also affects how smoothly the wording flows for the sentences hampering the overall experience.
2. Story formatting. I recommend picking a better format for your text, left alignment preferably.
3. Tenses. Be sure to remain consistent with your tenses. Either stick to past or present tense.
4. Dialogs. Go over your dialogs, while all of them aren't afflicted with this issue, some are that they sound very awkward. They sound like things people normally wouldn't say even for serial killers.
5. Description. This one pertains primarily to the street description. It didn't really add anything to the story or the atmosphere. Simplifying the description wouldn't make that much of a difference, so you could easily simplify it and still keep the meaning in tact.
Those are some of my thoughts. Overall this was an interesting beginning. It also sparked my curiosity to know what happens next. If you are able to keep up this level of mystery for various elements throughout the story, and add in more plot twists, it can make for a very interesting read. This was a great first chapter, but with room for improvement.
I hope that helps. If you have any questions, concerns or clarifications, don't hesitate to PM me :).
~ Monty Mason