|Reviews for Tangled Webs: Brothers In Arms|
| CMDutton chapter 4 . 7/30/2017
When you have a lot of characters all sharing the same scene, the best way to avoid confusion is to ensure your POV is with one character and then each interaction dialogue is from that character's POV. For example, out of the six Sinafeys, who's the leader or eldest of this band? I assumed it's Kiowa; however, I don't know. If so, Kiowa should primarily drive the dialogue and the reader should see things through Kiowa's viewpoint (or someone the writer wants us to get connected to through their development). When you have six guys pretty much all randomly talking, it makes for a disjointed scene.
To strengthen this chapter, give us descriptions of these guys and maybe a sentence or two of their history. For example, we know they are wanted men, so how about that backstory. Maybe Kiowa and gang did try to turn their life around as soon as they got to the surface, but as far I know, they started committing crimes left and right (not surprising for drow). Given the propensity for drow to act violently, I'm surprise murder isn't on their wanted posters. If not, why? Do they draw the line in just robbing people, but not killing? Yet...they slaughtered helpless elemental elves during the raids in the first story. What's stopping them now from doing the same?
Crownty's introduction could use the same treatment of describing him and a bit of his build up; however, I don't see how six drow vs. Crownty should stop them from robbing Crownty and take the horses by force.
| CMDutton chapter 3 . 7/30/2017
Lanfigil explains to Druzil and Rizzen that their brothers are out there causing some kind of mess. Druzil now has a more real purpose and the plot is revealed (Druzil must save his brothers before they all end up dead).
This chapter was a lot more solid with Druzil's cure(?) and the plot revelation. However, Rizzen's jealousy is a bit out of place here as Lanfigil just recently aided Rizzen by helping Druzil's curse, so I'm not quite feeling Rizzen's motivation here.
| CMDutton chapter 2 . 7/30/2017
I like Lanfigil. He's an amusing character who speaks with a slight Victorian English but through Arawai, his goddess. This quirk really makes Lanfigil standout and is amusing.
"...He grew madder and madder..." These kind of expressions in fantasy writing are considered weak. You're writing epic fantasy. Examples are, "The coals of his soul continued to stoke the flames of his fury until it raged like an inferno." That's essentially saying, "He grew madder and madder."
The other thing you want to do is get rid of generic verbs such as went, go, and want. Examples:
"We went home." now is "We returned home."
"He'll go to the woods." now is "He'll traverse the woods."
"He wanted nothing more than death." now is "He craved nothing more than death."
I noticed Rizzen has been bitten a few times by Druzil now that Druzil is a werepanther. Wouldn't that spread the infection to Rizzen too or in this story only true werepanthers can spread their lycanthropy?
| CMDutton chapter 1 . 7/30/2017
I read through all seven chapters first before doing reviews because I wanted to get a stronger sense of your story. Sometimes, I think chapter-by-chapter can't see the forest for the trees.
So, in the previous story I talked about pacing and the need to slow down. It's needed here, so I'm not going to harp on you about it.
Chapter 1 starts out probably a year maybe almost two years after the end of Tangled Webs. Rizzen is 15 years old now. Druzil and Rizzen head out of the Valley of the Four Waterfalls for a vacation.
Werepanthers! We have werepanthers in this story! I have werepanthers in my story The Rise of Evil: The Life of the Twins (the main characters are both werepanthers); however, these are primitive, evil brutes.
Druzil has been bitten and we meet Gandalf the White...err, I mean Lanfigil, the priest of Arawai.
So, this story is off to a good start with Druzil potentially succumbing to lycanthropy.
| anonymous chapter 1 . 3/24/2017
I like it. That said though- your start feels a bit... passive. There seems to be missing details. I have no idea how old Druzil is compared to Rizzen. Rizzen sounds 14-15 but Druzil has no particular age yet. The fight scenes are pretty good- except for the fact that there are two panthers on him- both on his chest so i picture to two panthers on top of each other and over lapping at some point or maybe even crashing into each other. It doesn't make sense to me. I get that you couldn't have one distract him so he showed his throat but I can't help but feel there would be a better way to express the scene.
On the other hand- I have nothing major to comment on other then those two. The descriptions were good, the fight scene... I could see. There are slight typing errors but I like it.