|Reviews for Deviant|
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 3 . 4/4/2017
This is a great chapter! We get to see both Cole and Jessica's personalities, and have a great clliffhanger at the end! Can't wait to read more. I look forward to the next chapter!
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 2 . 3/31/2017
Yes, it was confusing. I think you should either stick in first person or third person. Why have both? Well, it works, though. I think it's all right to have both the first and third person expositions in the same chapter, but to mitigate the confusion and abruptness of it all, you might want to put the entire first person exposition in italics. It gives more of a feel to it, you know what I'm saying? Just a dumb suggestion. I think it's fine to have both, but if you italicize the first person exposition it might make it more personal, or give the sense that Cole was thinking the whole thing. Then transition to the 3rd person exposition. Hell, if you italicize the 1st person view, you don't even need the headings. Just the line break will do, and the whole 1st/3rd person exposition headings in bold would become unnecessary.
On the other hand, your third person exposition was...ugh. You start off with a giant paragraph!? Break it up. A few hours after waking up...blah blah blah...that paragraph goes on forever. Divide it. If you have a dialogue, start it in the next paragraph. I mean, "too fast to be a human..." could be a line for the next paragraph but you clumped it all together. Don't do that, break it up.
The story itself seems fine, I like the plot and how Cole meets Jessica. It seems interesting and I can't wait to see what happens next!
| Black Violin Prince chapter 1 . 3/29/2017
Whoa, just, daaaaaamn! Please, please, please, please, keep writing! that, I mean SERIOUSLY! That was a freaking awesome hook for the beginning of a story! But now, I'm itching to read more and there is no "Next Chapter" button. where the frick is the "Next Chapter" button?! Make the "Next Chapter" button! please!
but, yeah, I can't wait for the next chapter
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 1 . 3/28/2017
I'm a bit confused by the flow, especially with the Rose thing.
Ha ha ha! We started out the same, with our protagonists being bullied. I don't get it, though. Cole doesn't fight back in school but when his father hits him, he hits back? Why is there an inconsistency there? Other than that, the story seems interesting and intriguing, so I can't wait to see what happens next. Especially the last part, it seems that he's stuck inside a memory rather than being in real life or something?
| VSP Helix chapter 1 . 3/28/2017
I'm really liking Cole's survival story here. It almost seems like a groundhog-day-esque time loop, as if he's stuck living (or at least experiencing) the same thing over and over in his dreams. I wonder if this latest one is just another nightmare, or if this time it's the real thing?
Even if it wasn't real, I imagine seeing everything and everyone he has ever known wiped out on a nightly basis must be quite traumatizing to poor Cole.