|Reviews for Jack Simple|
| LorrahBear chapter 1 . 2/3/2018
I like how you withhold her name from Jack (and the reader) until the end of the chapter. I also really enjoyed your descriptions of each of the seasons (but wondered why they were all female except winter). I could very easily visualize his home, and especially loved the description of the ivy and the wheel.
| Dlombardi chapter 9 . 1/8/2018
Towards the ending I had to ask myself why he would challenge the Mayor to a drinking contest, but his intentions hit me after reading the very last part of that chapter. That was mighty cleaver of Jack. I feel bad for Eidna, and the circumstances her father got her in. I really like how devoted Jack is to her and to helping her.
Well written chapter, as always. I’m not sure if I advised this before but try using more active instead of passive verbs (or at least using passive voice sparingly).
The only thing that didn’t read right was the word ‘privates.’ It just sounds like something a child would say. Your story is rated T, you can get a little more technical .
I actually had to go back and re-read how he darted the slut towards the ending, and went “Ohhh!” I never heard anyone refer to them as staff and acorns though, lol. But that IS like the quickest and most ensuring way, ha.
| Barbados chapter 10 . 12/16/2017
Love how the last sentence is a call back to the first sentence of chapter 1.
This was such a fantastic read - it really deserves loads more reviews and attention than it has. One of the best FP pieces I've seen, and publish-worthy if you ask me.
You did such an amazing job throughout of having a small story set in an epic world.
Honestly, very little I can offer in the way of criticism or possible suggestion - it's easily better than the skill I have would afford me to find fault in.
So I say well done, thanks for sharing, and keep it up!
| Barbados chapter 9 . 12/16/2017
Hooked throughout the entire chapter.
You did such a superb job of setting the scene, but it's no less than I've come to expect from you.
Jacks' plan - so ambitious, it's crazy! It could only work because no one suspects him of being able to come up with something like this! Not sure if it included Raspor originally or not, but he has removed him from the picture for the moment, which is never a bad thing.
Feel for Eidna, her insecurity really showing through here. Can only hope that something doesn't happen to jack to keep him from making the appointment.
Not too concerned with why the wine had smaller results on Jack - he's had something of a plan since they gathered the woodruff, so it would have been easy for him to address this within it.
One final chapter to see how it all plays out. The story has built up to this very nicely indeed.
| Barbados chapter 8 . 12/15/2017
Hmm... what is Jack up to? I think it's great that you preserve the mystery, as I mentioned before. We know there is something going on, and the desire to find out what keeps us reading.
The pace and tension here were excellent.
Can't help but feel the general perception of Jack as a simpleton has helped him. No doubt the Mayor thinks that whatever is going on, he can out-fox Jack in the end, so is willing to take the risks.
Jack's closing quip was hilarous, and a nice light note to break the tension of the whole chapter.
| Barbados chapter 7 . 12/13/2017
I really wanted her to say yes! Yet, I knew she would not - she's selfless like that, and still willing to give herself up to help her father's situation.
There are clues to suggest Jack as a plan, but we're no closer yet to knowing what it is. Preserving the myestery is excellent.
I'm quite in awe of your ability to pull out characterizations of the smaller players in the story largely through subext, indirect interaction, and just how you show them through their behavior.
Only a few chapters more, but thankfually a few more books as well.
| Barbados chapter 6 . 12/13/2017
Oh, I almost wish I didn't turn the page. I was not emotionally prepared for that. I thought maybe he was just beating up a criminal in there. You handled it well - providing the necessary context without detail.
Jack has shown an extraordinary amount of restraint throughout the story.
So much tension, so well played. Things are really escalating, and I'm really not sure what's going to happen.
This chapter also does a great job of juxtaposing life outside the village with life inside of it. We've had the peace and tranquility of the forest. Now, in the gaol, the darkest heart of the town - we see the darkest hearts of men.
| Barbados chapter 5 . 12/13/2017
Very muche enjoyed the tale of the Weeper - such things do so much to build out the depth of a world. And they way you wove it into their emotions, it was perfect.
I also think the pace of the paragraph with the actual adult stuff was perfect. It moved along at the same frantic pace they were moving at - wans't too ambiguos, but also didn't get overly visual. Just right.
Tension of all kind rising by the end of this chapter.
And a good page-turning ending. :)
| Barbados chapter 4 . 12/13/2017
Two weeks to make the wine? That's a very tight turn, yikes!
Some history and world building deftly woven into the dialogue. Very well done.
The opening did throw my at first. I was thinking "that escalated quickly" as I read it, and then wondering if maybe the timeline jumped ahead or something, and then BOOM.
Man, that's one dangerous gun. It's name is apt.
So far, the conflict has all been man vs self in a way, but now we see the hint of possible future man vs man conflict.
Interesting. Great story so far!
| Barbados chapter 3 . 12/12/2017
A pleasant, light-hearted chapter.
The word pictures you paint are extraordinary - I'm quite envious.
The exchanges between these two continue feel authentic - not forced or full of dialogue that is entirely unlike how people actually speak, even in fictional setting.
Stories have taught me to be cyncial though, and so I don't trust Eidna now because she seems too likeable lol.
I'm really liking this so far though. it's charming. :)
| Barbados chapter 2 . 12/12/2017
I am in love with the... hmm... flavor of this story. The use of words, like doggo as the easiest example, ad so much character and immersion.
And it's done so smoothly, that it just feels natural.
I found Jack's infaturation completely relatable, and handled very well. It felt completely genuine, and the way you had it play out in his actions and thoughts are superb examples of the "show don't tell" adage.
I don't like the "Suddenly, Lightfoot barked." sentence, because it starts with suddenly, and I've been taught to avoid that.
Their exchane flows well, and helps build chemistry between them while revealign some details about them.
Looking forward to continuing this!
| Barbados chapter 1 . 12/11/2017
I found this to be a very enjoyable read.
You handled the wit of the dialogue very welll. It flowed smoothly, had all the right subtext - was great.
You've established Jack as a smart and capable individual, well grounded and with no frills. He's very likeable.
Eidna, too, is likeable in that she breakst he mold and provides some mirth and sets Jack a little out of sorts. She has a relation to the Mayor of some kind, which makes her intriguing.
And as for the world at large, still not 100% on the time and setting, but there are some interesting bits dropped in through the way things are said and some subjets introduced, enough to paint some pictures - alchemy, fay, mathematica, werewolves (potentially not a real thing and just superstition, but strong enough to be believed, so that's something) and the like.
It's all a very promising start, and I look forward to revisiting it soon.
| Dlombardi chapter 8 . 9/11/2017
I liked the way he presented himself amidst business, though his personal gain seems to sit in limbo. I hope Jack knows what he is doing, since there is no true certainty his love would be released. Yet, Eidna has to play her part as well.
I also liked the fact that he's going all out for this woman. From the very first chapter to now, I noticed a nicely paced character development on Jack's part. I also like the way Eidna is testing him; he did sorta come out of nowhere with that proposal, and she certainly doesn't know him much, so that was a good call.
The tension between Raspor and Jack was great; a bit of conflict is always interesting to read. All in all, nice chapter. I would have liked to see more cliffhangers, but that's just one of my favorite placements in chapters.
Aside from the voices, the speed and tone of your story compliment each other; I also appreciate romantic/poetic description where expressed, and the fact that you don't dwell too much on Jack's thoughts (as often times writers get caught up in their protag's head); nice work.
| Dlombardi chapter 7 . 9/10/2017
Haha, the revealing of this actually being fiction, cause there is no way romance pans out the way this chapter expressed it could. Jack must not have had any experience prior to ask Eidna to marry him just after a few days of knowing her. I could comfortably say also that he is mad, a hopeless romantic, but mad nonetheless.
I noticed your sticking to one character's POV in ever chapter, mostly Jack's, but in this one it seemed like you were in both Eidna's and Jack's POV towards the end. (it seemed) I only say this because staying in one POV per scene makes it easier to read, and it also flows better.
The creeper in Jack made me chuckle in the beginning, pretty hilarious. I wonder where things would go from here for sure.
| Dlombardi chapter 6 . 9/6/2017
Aww, I hate how they ended things. I wish he would have fought for her to stay, or at least persuaded her to reason.
I already have a burning hate for this Raspor guy. She was only sixteen! It's sickens me hearing about, and even reading about it (I know, it's just fiction, but stuff like that always leaves a bad taste in my mouth)
I think you slipped into present tense when you wrote 'look disheveled'
Curious, what does 'feed you your own pecker' mean? I mean I have an idea . but that's just wrong, haha.
Overall, interesting chapter. I like how you have a nice balance between description and dialogue, and I'm sure I advised you before about the voices. That was the only thing I spotted; it stops the chapter from flowing smoothly when the voices shift like they do.