|Reviews for Iron and Fire|
| Barbados chapter 1 . 5/19/2017
At the very first, the flowery description was a bit off-putting. Then, as we got into it, it actually helped create the mood very well. Even so, I'm always looking for ways to shore up sentences and keep the very vivid imagery you have while reducing the number of words.
An example would be: "His face showed the evidence of many hard years. The lines in his face were etched deep with a thousand past emotions." The level of skill I see in your writing leads me to believe you could easily combine this two sentences and lose nothing.
The other thing that will help is a variation on sentence openers during those few opening paragraphs. In the 1st paragraph, you open three sentences in a row with "the" and that sort of thing really grates on the flow. Actually, you use "the" to open a lot of sentences throughout, and I would encourage you to really look at that.
I find the interaction between Drake and Douglas to be genuine, and I like how you portrayed their speech/accent.
I'll agree with the other reviewer that the "black hole in space" bit is a bit jarring and doesn't really fit the setting, even though it's a fantastic simile otherwise.
Overall though, this is really solid, and I'm curious to know what's in that letter... a guy with a disposition like we see in Drake here - someone who feels like they've lived a thousand lifetimes, and seen way too much, and now just wants to live in peace... someone like that gets an unexpected letter, and you just know it can't be good news.
| Lovus Eternius chapter 1 . 5/17/2017
Only thing I would change is the use of: 'like the draw of a black hole in space'. Seems too 'scientific' in fantasy setting. Good read with a few grammar errors.