|Reviews for Into the Fray|
| Please Not The Face chapter 1 . 5/2/2019
The summary seems somewhat disorganized. It's not hard to understand, but the phrasing is a bit strange.
Overall, the story seems like it doesn't know how it wants to present itself. The information we're given is whimsically detailed, shallow, or flowery. We know how old everyone in this chapter is, except Devin, despite appearing to be a major antagonist. We know what Max's mom looks like, but we hardly get a description of anyone else. We also get this long drawn out angst pedaling since the story's started and it's demanding a lot of sympathy for a character we hardly know for reasons that have yet to make sense. The minute Marcus and Lisa shows up, the story its shifts tone and suddenly none of this seems to be relevant. Visual details disappear altogether in favor of straight up dialogue.
I feel like the story starts off at a bad chronological point. It drops us off at a place where the plot seems to be moving forward, but I have no idea what's happening at all. Half of this chapter is focused on talking about Max's injury, how Devin's an asshole, and how Lisa and Marcus are "authoritative" members of the gang who are complete angels to Max. He spends a third of it asleep, only to wake up to, *gasp* treat his injuries and go back to sleep! It's not a good way to start off a story.
Points I don't get
1) Why is it that the smell of cigar, leather, and beer comes before the smell of rotten food? It's clearly the most striking odor. Actually, why was there rotten food at all?
2) Why doesn't he cough and then taste blood?
3) The sound of remote clicking is apparently more noticeable than the tv itself. I can't tell if the volume is implied to be off.
4) "Useful age." What's that mean? Why do they need 14 year old with "fighting techniques" so badly that they have to recapture him for?
5) Devin needs Max to fight, but more or less beats him to the point of immobility on what seems to be a weekly basis. Max apparently doesn't defend himself, for whatever reasons.
6) The second-in-command is a 17 year old. I don't know how long he's been in the gang for but isn't that much too young?
7) If Max hates it there so much, and has tried to run away several times, why not just get caught by cops? They're already moving under the assumption that whoever gets caught will snitch.
8) They blew up or burned down a house to hide the fact they were ever in the house. Wouldn't that make it even more suspicious and easier to profile?
9) Leaving said crime scene with cellphone turned on. Is this like a normal thing for everyone? Can't cell companies check who's been where at what time?
1) "Over the years..." and "It's been three years..." Only one of the sentences is really needed.
2) "Once Devin found out about his betrayal," should be just "Once Devin found out," since we already know he was a traitor.
3) "so he let them stay." Inferable
4) "In it was packed a first aid kid and some water. She grabs the kit and bottle and walks to the front of the car." Should make this into one sentence.
5) "He won't even stir." Previously mentioned that he doesn't stir in his sleep.
Should have a comma before or after transitional words or phrases, like those containing "though."
"Sight" should be "site" for some of the sentences.
The story starts off with a heavy use of "I" followed by a (verb). You could rephrase it or acknowledge it through other means.
It's generally better to choose one POV and stick to it, but if you're unwilling to, at the very least indicate its change somehow.
| The Youngest Mistress chapter 1 . 4/9/2019
Holy hell. Kicking some teenager for the smallest of things? I can feel Max's pain. The top part seems intriguing enough... I shall carry on!
| animebibliophliagamergrl chapter 4 . 3/15/2018
Yay, love it as always! Nicely written, when I was first reading I thought that Kidir's name was spelled wrong until I realized that it was meant to be spelled that way. I hope that Max survives and continues to hang around Lisa and Marcus more, they seem like good influences. Also you could create a love interest for Lisa and Max, I know that he's young, but you do meet other people in this line of work... just a thought!
| kenxepe chapter 1 . 7/2/2017
I love 1st person narrated stories. There's honestly not enough of it. Very well written.
| animebibliophliagamergrl chapter 2 . 6/24/2017
I love the mother/older sister in Lisa she's a great character, good job so far with the background development of the characters, can't wait see read the next chapter!
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/4/2017
God beginning, very interesting, especially with Max being abused by an older member of the gang. I am excited to see where this goes!