|Reviews for Hunters Moon
| Barbados chapter 8 . 1/12/2018
Heating up indeed! Some parts of this chapter were quite hot.
The timeline is a bit confusing to me, because when is she supposed to be having dinner with Dennis? It's already 5pm when she heads to the hospital, visits her father, then leaves for Stocktcon, which is an hour away - stays the night and all that, then gonna be some day hunting.
There's a bit where Dennis mentions being safe for three days, but it's not clear if that's a future outlook, or if that's actual time passing, or what.
Also, in the hospital, there's a line break that splits Dennis telling her it's not a good idea to see her dad, and her heading towards ICU - and it feels like the scene is the same scene, and maybe the line break is in error? It feels a lot more fitting for the break to be a bit further up, when Kara enters the hospital, so maybe it just ended up in the wrong place?
Amazing chapter overall, although the Dennis/Kara story sort of took a back seat to the other things going on this time. The Hagen/Leila arch is shaping up very nicely, and looks like it will be a lot of fun. It stole the show here. The Nigel/Saskia arch is really strange, but in a good way - their relationship is so unconventional to me, as vampires, and it adds a lot of flavor. Also, the pieces from Nigel's POV have a distinctly different feel.
There is so much going on, and I hate that I have to wait a few more weeks to get back to it now. I really want to know sooner!
Keep it up - it's coming along really well.
| Barbados chapter 7 . 12/19/2017
Some flow critiques: In the first few sentences, when Dennis awakes and Kara is still sleeping, you mention she is sleeping soundly in back-to-back sentences.
The segway from Kara's shopping into the hospital is very abrput. One paragrpah ends "One she'd try on first" and the next one begins with dialogue of "Hi dad." with no indicatino of the scene changing.
A similar thing happens when Dennis is questioning her about Simon. She goes into a flashback in the middle of dialogue, and the flashback contains dialogue, so it's a very jarring transition.
There were some possible typos, comma instead of period, I didn't mark them though.
The line "and I've got good knees" had me literally laughing out loud.
Hmmm, pawning the rings could have interesting consequences is the pawn dealer has ties to the vampire world.
I must have missed the part where she's not even twenty-one lmao... In my mind, she's more in her thrities.
Wait a minute!... donor... contact... proof... I really hope I'm not interpreting those clues correctly. But, that certainly would add some tension!
Great chapter, some more character development. I can see this relationship causing Kara to mess up / be distracted.
Is it next month yet?
| Barbados chapter 6 . 12/6/2017
She left the room ten minutes after getting out of bed? Then arrived at the hospital thirty minutes later, having successfully shopped for something to wear that night? This story just lost all credibility.
Okay, just kidding. Kind of...
Okay, wait, what - she's never tried Mexican food? How can... okay, NOW this story has lost all credibility.
Brilliant transition on the last turn, from cozy in the apartment to screaming woman.
Overall, I think removing whatever breaks you may have had was fine. The only weird place to me was when she was hyping herself up to push through, and that's when the real hunting began. Then one line - she found two more groups nearby. Then next line, she returned to get ready for the night. Very anti-climactic.
Evening with her and the Dr felt very genuine, very natural with the dialogue and behavior. His womanizer side very much came through, and I don't like him as much now, but maybe he'll overcome it for her, we'll see.
Great chapter overall, lots going on but it flowed well. Very interested to see how the dream hunter lines up with what's currently going on. That book though. Hmm...
| Averybarbarian chapter 7 . 12/2/2017
Things are indeed heating up! Dennis is quite sneaky looking through her stuff. We also see some of his childhood revealing his womanizing ways could be a result of the trauma he went through growing up. A very interesting chapter giving insight to a number of the characters. Looking forward to the next chapter!
| Averybarbarian chapter 6 . 12/2/2017
I liked how it was written compared to the previous chapters. I didn't see any particular grammar mistakes that stood out either. I enjoyed reading this chapter, sorry it took me so long to get to it.
| Barbados chapter 5 . 12/1/2017
Action, action, and more action this chapter - and it delivers very well.
It also wasn't predictable at all - I was shocked when Saskia got ran through immediately. I might have literally said, "oh shit" out loud, as I did not see that coming at all. I also very much enjoyed how that scene ended, and the implications.
The following scene with the cabbie was also great, and intriguing, with lots of possible directions. The vampire that didn't fight made me very sad, actually. Isn't it funny how we can feel sympathy for such a wicked thing? Know that it's evil, at its core, and still feel bad for its suffering?
Overall, I felt the prose was much stronger in this chapter. I still noticed some typos here and there, but nothing overly distracting.
I feel like this chapter really moved the plot forward subtly. Many of the events here are going to come back later and be impactful, I think - and this just set the stage for it.
I'm very excited to see what happens next. You've got a great story here.
| Barbados chapter 4 . 11/29/2017
This was a great chapter - it had a little bit of everything (romance, humor, drama, action) and brought it all together very well.
I did notice a few typos here and there, but again, I was too into what was happening to stop and mark them.
The interactions between Dennis and Kara are very endearing.
Also, the overall plot takes a huge leap forward with the introduction of the MacGuffin, and I'm interested to see where that leads us.
This chapter accomplished a lot, and did it well. Yay!
| Barbados chapter 3 . 11/4/2017
No, no action - but a wealth of development and it still had good pace, so no complaints from me. The plot still moved forward, and that's the point. Action for the sake of action isn't any good - action should come organically from the character growing, and the plot moving forward.
One sentence stuck out as awkward: "she forced a smile, it was slight and looked very forced." Other than that, I was engrossed enough that I overlooked other errors that may or may not have been there.
Yes, I enjoyed it a lot, and the characters all feel very genuine. I didn't expect everyone to come together so soon, but I'm glad they did.
Looking forward to getting to the next chapter, hopefully sooner, but then there's life.
| Barbados chapter 2 . 10/11/2017
Sorry it's taking so long - much to do, much to do - but I made it.
As with the first chapter, the prose needs polishing in some places, I feel. For example:
The panicking man now lay unconscious on the floor; Kara heard the loud crack of his head being hit and the soft thump of his descent to the floor. You could lose the whole part before the ";" an be fine - especially since she is only overhearing this, and the first part is more of a visual cue.
The plot with Dennis tied in nicely, and the possible connection between Bine and Kara's grandfather was a neat surprise.
All in all, a very action-packed chapter with some interesting developments.
Be back for more... eventually lol.
| Averybarbarian chapter 5 . 10/10/2017
Interesting chapter. I liked the flash backs, it helped bring out a little bit of depth to the character. I did see a few grammar issues. Mostly with 'then' and 'than' being misused in a few places but not the whole time throughout the chapter. Overall a very interesting chapter, I like where I see it going. Good job!
| Barbados chapter 1 . 9/25/2017
Finally made it!
I enjoyed the mythos in this a lot - especially the little details that bring it to life, and make it feel well thought out. The shadow sight, the cleanup methods, the history of the vampires, things like that.
You also did a great job of providing enough information, without going too much into everything.
Kara is top notch. She's vulnerable emotionally, but is also strong, capable and compassionate. She also has believable motivations and internal conflicts that are well portrayed.
Pace was good - things moved forward steadily, without getting bogged down. For the most part I was able to keep up, but there were a couple times it got a little unclear as we jumped between present, daydream, memory/dream, etc.
Mostly, the prose just needs a little polish. I would start by doing a search on the word "had" and eliminating as much of them as possible. Keep the tense simple past or present. For example, "She had to accept this burden - she accepted this burden... They had numbered no less than thirty - They numbered no less than thirty... and so on.
Sometimes, you might need to re-write the sentence a bit to remove the had, but it will make for a stronger sentence. And sometimes, the had works as is, and you don't have to get rid of it. (Sometimes Kara had nightmares... is a good example of that.)
There are some other punctuation typos here and there, mostly commas that are missing, but nothing horrific.
All in all though, a good piece that I'm looking forward to continuing. :)
| Averybarbarian chapter 3 . 8/1/2017
A much more touching chapter with greater intrigue and mystery... I like how the story is developing so far and I look forward to reading the next chapter
| Averybarbarian chapter 1 . 8/1/2017
Very interesting beginning and already setting up to be a thrilling read. An ominous look to the future, a mysterious past, and betrayal all surrounding someone who wanted to be normal but is anyone ever normal? I digress, I enjoyed this chapter. I did notice a few grammar mistakes, nothing big and I look forward to reading more