|Reviews for Unexpected|
| LDF chapter 1 . 6/8/2017
Try not to label POVs. Characters should be distinct enough in the narration for the reader to tell them apart.
[There's one thing I hate more than my ridiculously-long name and spiders- Mondays. Seriously though, what kind of parents name their daughter a name like 'Cairistiona'?! Who has the time to even say it? Just imagine the dramatic moment when a lover is dying in my arms, unable profess his love for me just because he's dying and doesn't have the time to say my entire name and "I love you".]
She seems to be making a mountain out of a molehill. I mean, by her logic, Anastasia is just as long. Most people just use a shortened version of their name, so she could just go by Cairis or something similar.
["Hey babe, miss me? Lookin' hot like usual!" He said,]
If there’s a speech verb, it’s not considered the start of a new sentence, so ‘he’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
[He smirked(it reminds me of a constipated fish), "Feisty, I like it! You know what they say, the feisty ones are the sexy ones that are best in bed." I gave him an icy glare that could freeze hell-which he ignored, "I'll stop once you give me your number."]
Oh god, I really hope she calls the cops on him. This isn't cute or romantic. He sounds like a rapist.
[But this shit ain't the only crap that happens on Mondays, because Mondays are the days when our very own slut has the same shift at me. Becky says the manager only hired her because her big tits and booties attract more customers.]
Oh, so her first reaction upon hearing that someone might've gotten hired just for their breasts is to think of that person as a slut, rather than her boss being so shallow that they hire people for their breast size.