Reviews for The Elements
LorrahBear chapter 1 . 6/20/2017
I love the beginning of this story, and feel you've set things up well. It definitely leaves me curious to find out more about the world Ophelia lives in, as well as what this almost "Doctor" like character is going to get her involved in! Your world is easy to visualize. Well done!

A few small suggestions:

You open with "Life; It is all...". I'm not sure a semicolon is the proper punctuation to use there, but assuming it is, the I in "it" should not be capitalized as a semicolon doesn't represent a full stop.

Every once in a while I feel like sentences are a little overly wordy, or weighed down with more description than necessary. To me, I slows the flow way down. Examples include: " the smallest frolicksome bee." and "...grandmothers health began to gradually decline." In the later example, that's just me being nitpicky, but I fell the reader assumes "began" implies a gradual change already, so the only reason to add a clarification on the speed of decline would be if it was a sharp decline.

I did feel like the jump from the moorlands to suddenly talking about solar systems and traveling through space was a bit sudden, and way too easily accepted by Ophelia. I was more thrown off than she was! Is space travel common in her world that this wouldn't be unusual to her?

And lastly, you might try some variation with how you tell the reader who's speaking. Every spoken text ends with some version of "he said," but there are other ways to communicate the speaker and their emotions to the reader.

For example:
"What a delicious cookie," the boy said, mouth full of cookie.
"What a delicious cookie!" The boys eyes never left the remaining stack of chocolate chip cookies, even as he stuffed another in his already full mouth.

This has been a loooooong review, but I hope it helps. I enjoyed this chapter, and I look forward to more!