|Reviews for Ruin|
| Grammatical Assassin chapter 1 . 6/16/2017
I enjoyed reading this introduction. It paints a nice pleasant picture of this general’s life after surviving war and perilous adventures. Also, I am digging the idea of starting with a happy ending. Nicely done. There are a few things I figured I would mention. Mainly they’re just suggestions having to do with artistry rather than structure or grammar. Most of them I expect you would notice anyway after a little close editing.
“The five children ran into the room” - “The five tots darted into the man's study”
Right here I was a little confused because the way this reads it seems as though the children ran into a room and then ran into the study. I assume they only ran into one room and that room was the study. Also, I would leave off “man’s” from “the man’s study”. That’s not really a mistake, just my personal opinion.
“one of them jumping onto the man's lap making him grunt and rock back in his chair.”
"Oof!" He grunted as he fell back in his chair, the child landing on his chest.”)
Obviously this is another repeat and, a mistake I also commonly make.
“as he laughed. "Oh, ho, ho. You've got me!”
Right here I felt the “Oh, ho, ho” was unnecessary after already stating that “he laughed”.
“these five were used to their father messing with them.”
It might just be me, but I felt the term “messing with them” seemed a little out of place. Perhaps it is due to the time period in which I imagine this story taking place. For some reason it just threw me off a bit.
“nudged her father in slight annoyance.” There is nothing wrong with this line. I just wanted to suggest changing the word “slight” to something like phony or feigned annoyance.
As I said before, these are all just suggestions in regard to your artistry and not anything, apart from the repeats, that I would really consider to be wrong. I don’t know if you have ever read “The Magician’s Nephew” but there is a scene near the beginning of the book that I would recommend reading if you have the time. Basically it’s the scene where we meet the magician for the first time. I think it would help you out a lot. Anyway, good luck with your story and I hope you found at least some of this review to be helpful.