|Reviews for How I found Patricia|
| SlytherinQueen2018 chapter 7 . 2/17
Hmmmmmmmmm... It's alright. More action, dialouge. Anything.
| SlytherinQueen2018 chapter 6 . 2/17
Please, no swearing. I don't like it. Also, it would be better with more dialouge and action.
| SlytherinQueen2018 chapter 5 . 2/17
I hope so. If she was, that would put a good twist in.
| SlytherinQueen2018 chapter 4 . 2/17
I am not a fan of swearing. It is wrong. But otherwise, okay.
| SlytherinQueen2018 chapter 3 . 2/17
This would be better if the chapters were a little longer.
| SlytherinQueen2018 chapter 2 . 2/17
UM... Chapter's are a little short... but... good story...
| SlytherinQueen2018 chapter 1 . 2/17
Okay... a little odd... and short...
| Marina x Machina chapter 1 . 2/6
*sigh* Great to know what sexual objectification will follow women even into near death. I get why they have to check her body, but even then, it's a bit creepy.
According to a quick Google search, 10-82 means "Fire in Progress" or "Reserve Lodging" (depending on affiliation?
According to another search for NYPD it means "Verificaton/Arrest (give number detained)."
Here's to hoping the woman will be okay!
| Sir Scott chapter 7 . 1/11
I'm glad to see that you are still working on this story.
| Guest chapter 3 . 9/19/2017
U made a mistake u first said the youngest was 20 now the youngest is 15
| Super Princess Daisy chapter 6 . 8/27/2017
Finally you have completed another chapter! What took you so long?
| Sir Scott chapter 6 . 8/27/2017
I'm 72% sure she is Patricia. I'll have to wait and read more to see if the cops figure it out.
| Daniel Affaro chapter 5 . 8/16/2017
So far I am really liking the mystery set up for the story; the case is intriguing due to the fact that all of the girls are Jane Does, and I enjoy that the detectives have to use the surviving victim's lost memories to find clues.
As far as your writing goes, however, I do see some room for improvement. A piece of advice that I was given a few years ago, I feel is particularly applicable here: "The worst crime an author can commit is telling the reader something they already know." Despite the very short length of the chapters I have noticed that you repeat details of the case that you have mentioned before. If the chapters were longer and the repetitions were spread out then I could understand this, however the reader was literally given them a page earlier so I can help but feel that this is simply padding.
I don't really take much issue with the length of the chapters — short stories are always good and have a great way of getting to the point efficiently, so I like that. However, I can't help but feel that some elaboration in places is needed.
Two examples that really stood out are as follows:
1- The off-hand line in Chapter 4 where they talk about Moore being with a different girl every night. So far you had written little about how the characters act, what they look like, certain quirks... So the line came out of nowhere and didn't feel earned.
2- When the girl and Trevor arrive at his apartment at the start of Chapter 5. 'As she walked inside, the girl saw that it was a pretty nice place. "Your place looks nice." She said." You already told us that his apartment was nice, so her line here seems a bit redundant. It would have been better if you had described the room they were in and then had her say the line, or cut out her comment entirely.
One last thing that I'm not particularly fond of is how you abbreviate certain words. For example: "and" becomes "&", the number "one" is written as "1", etc... For some reason it pulls me out of the experience whenever it happens.
That all being said, though, I am enjoying the story. You have a talent for mystery, and aside from some technical hiccups, your writing style if very engaging.
I'm looking forward to reading more.
| Super Princess Daisy chapter 5 . 8/5/2017
Cliffhanger! Please do the kindness of continuing-even though I know what is going to happen next.
| Sir Scott chapter 5 . 7/31/2017
It does appear that she could possibly be the girl that Trevor thinks she is.