|Reviews for Parallel Worlds Complete Edition|
| Joeson chapter 1 . 5/5
I'm really enjoying this so far! The first few chapters set out the scene well. You know what, I suggest you join NővelStar's writing competition. A lot of readers will love your work.
| MaAd Uncle chapter 1 . 4/8/2018
I honestly believe that this story might turn out pretty good, but only if your writing gets a little better. Your writing is adequately descriptive, but your wording is too lengthy. You could compress most of those massive paragraphs into a mere fraction of their current sizes. That way you won't risk losing your readers attention. For example you wrote, "In a house in Kono, there lived a man. This man is the one this story primarily follows and his name is Ensho. Ensho stood at the height of six foot four, a height that was rather tall for a Chashian, setting him apart from others." You could have summarised all this into "In an uninteresting house in Kono lived our main character, Ensho. At six foot four, Ensho's height struck many as rather tall for a Chasian."
| Knucklehugs chapter 2 . 4/6/2018
Review is coming a little later than anticipated but here it is. There is a chapter-wide occurrence so I'll mention it first. Your punctuation for dialogue is wrong. Check out this article here: /2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/ for the rules for proper punctuation. Be sure to check out some of the comments too!
They very first sentence is an incomplete sentence. You could replace the comma with a “was” or use a semicolon to connect it to the second sentence. Like this:
Kono, a relatively quiet and reasonably well-sized settlement on the southern outskirts of the Sea of Golden Sands; here we find Ensho, a man who is pretty much an outcast in this village.
Using the phrase “pretty much” is weak. You could strengthen the sentence by saying he “was treated like an outcast” instead. There's also bit of contradiction here too. Is Kono “well-sized” or a village? The two terms give different ideas about the size of Kono. One seems like it would be big or, at the very least, medium whilst the other implies it's small. The next sentence is a bit repetitive because staying inside constantly and not socialising are similar, if not the same. In the sentence after that the “and” is unnecessary since you use “nor”. As a stylistic note, you could drop the “either” from the end of the sentence because it isn't really needed.
This next sentence could be improved:
There was a point in time where he would socialise but after his parents died and he left school, his habits of talking to people slowed to a point where he felt he might as well not bother.
The first “where” would read better as “when” and the comma is unneeded.
The beginning sentence of the second paragraph is also a comma splice. You could correct this by replacing the first comma with “as” or reword the whole sentence. In the next couple of sentences there's another comma splice. This one here:
One would believe that a military for a peaceful civilisation would be unnecessary, however, for whatever reason, the government felt that such a thing was needed despite the last conflict being in the cycle 0057, 2314 cycles ago.
The use of commas around “however” are to blame. Replace the first comma with a semicolon or full stop. Lastly, as a stylistic note, you could rearrange the ending of the sentence to flow a little more smoothly. So it would be: “the last conflict being 2314 cycles ago in 0057”.
Improper use of commas in the next sentence. The corrected version would look like this:
The cycle, now 2371, had seen an unprecedented amount of peace and, other than a few situations of one or two people causing problems, there had been practically no crime.
The second sentence in the next paragraph is another comma splice. The second half of the sentence is a complete sentence on it's own. Semicolon or full stop to correct it. Or you could reword it and retain the comma.
The very next sentence is confusing. The use of the word “starlight” seems to imply night. This is especially confusing because you use the word “starlight” to talk about night later on in the chapter. It's obvious you're avoiding using the word “sun” and instead using “star”. For this first instance, try something like “daylight” or you could just use “light”. This is perhaps more of a stylistic note but it is confusing and a bit tedious to have to read “star” all the time instead of “sun”. Do the Chashians not call the sun “sun”?
There is another comma splice in this sentence:
This is why Ensho lived where he did, unfortunately, this meant that he had a long walk to the shop.
The first comma should be a full stop. The first part of the sentence as you have it is a full sentence. A semicolon could also replace the first comma but a full stop might be stronger to use. There's a lot going on in this next bit:
Ensho turned around, and just as he thought, there was the Mayor's daughter hanging out of the top window of the town hall, waving down at him with a big smile on her face. He waved back at her with a forced smile, she always seemed happy to see him.
The first comma is improperly placed. There's also some awkward syntax. The word “mayor” shouldn't be capitalised here. The only time to capitalise it would be if it included the name (e.g. Mayor John) or you were using the full title “Mayor of Kono”. Finally, the last sentence is a comma splice. The comma should be a full stop since both parts are complete clauses. Here's an example of a possible solution (with some stylistic changes as well as the corrections) to the paragraph:
Ensho turned and, just as he thought, the mayor's daughter was hanging out of the top window of the town hall, waving at him with a big smile on her face. She always seemed happy to see him. He waved back at her with a forced smile.
There is some awkward syntax in this sentence:
Eventually, he reached the corner shop that he had been headed for.
The use of the word “headed” creates an odd flow. Instead, try using the word “heading” or you could rewrite it to say “that he was headed for”. It would be easier to read with one of those options. This is more a stylistic note than a proper correction. As another stylistic note, the next sentence is awkward to read. Consider rewording. The next sentence after has some issues as well:
There were only two people inside; the cashier and a man who was stood at the back wearing a large, round hat on his head that looked similar to a rice hat.
That semicolon should be a colon. Next, the phrase “was stood” is passive. It seems as if someone put the man there rather than him standing there on his own. Remove the “was” to correct. Finally, the last part of the sentence “that looked similar to a rice hat” seems to be describing his head. Either move this description or remove it.
In the next couple of sentences you have a run-on:
This was what Ensho's usual purchase was, something that always worried the cashier and was very clear by the look on his face as Ensho dropped the food on the till.
The use of the “and” is at fault. Replace with a full stop to create two sentences. You could start the next sentence with “It was very clear”. Alternatively, you could reword the whole thing. As it stands, it is incorrect.
This next sentence also has a few issues:
However, the cashier wasn't this sort of person, he worried about Ensho for he had known him for many cycles, ever since he was a little child in his parent's arms.
The comma after “person” should be a full stop. They are two complete sentences. Also, the latter part of the sentence “ever since he was a little child in his parent's arms” is ambiguous. It could mean that the cashier knew Ensho ever since Ensho was a child or ever since the cashier was a child. Replacing the “he” with “Ensho” would correct it. Or you could reword. There is a little more confusion in “parent's arms” because it implies Ensho only had one parent. If that is the case, do nothing. If Ensho had two (or more) parents then it should be “parents' arms”.
There are some more corrections for this part:
He said, pointing over to a basket of orange strak fruit at the end of the tills. Ensho looked at the orange strak fruit and pulled a funny face, he didn't like strak fruit, they were rather sour and left a bad taste in his mouth.
It's a bit repetitive to read “orange stak fruit” so much. The second time you could just use “fruit” and the reader would know what kind you're talking about. The last “strak fruit” could just be “it” or “them” to avoid repetition as well. The sentence beginning with “Ensho” is a comma splice. Both commas are incorrect. They could be full stops. Alternatively, you could replace either with the word “because” and then use a full stop for the other.
This sentence: “He placed a few dirty gold coins on the till and picked up the bagged food” is another case of ambiguity. The “he” could refer to the cashier since that's the last male person being talked about. Using “Ensho” in place of “he” would correct it.
Another comma splice here:
He walked back home in a different route, he didn't feel like having another conversation with the mayor's daughter.
Either use a full stop or replace the comma with “because” to correct it.
This sentence “ This route was longer but to him, it was worth it for the uninterrupted walk it gave him” is missing a comma before “to him”.
As a stylistic note in this sentence:
This was something he enjoyed doing and was a good enough reason for him to depart the closure of his house and interact with other people, even if it was for just over an hour.
Replace the “closure” with “comfort”.
In this sentence “It wasn't as if there was anything that ever went on, or at least not anything he had ever heard about” you use the word “anything” twice in quick succession. Consider rewording.
There is another comma splice here:
So what if Sushen was attacked, it was probably another group of bandits, there had been plenty of them over the cycles.
Replace the first comma with a question mark. Replace the second with a full stop or reword.
There is more weak word usage in this sentence:
After a couple of minutes walking, he reached a smallish building that stood out against its surrounding buildings due to its colour.
“Smallish” is a weak word. There are plenty of better words you could use. For example, you could use “smaller building” and it would be better than “smallish building”.'
A couple issues in this sentence:
It had wooden supports that ran up the walls, a luxury in homes and very hard to get a hold of, and the floor was tiled with brown tiles with slightly different shades to create a checked pattern.
For starters, this sentence lacks parallelism. The opening half of “had wooden supports” doesn't match the second half of “floor was tiled”. The second half “was tiled” is passive. So that's faulty parallelism and use of passive voice. Reword to correct. Next, the phrase “very hard to get a hold of” really should just be the word “rare”. Otherwise it reads a bit awkwardly and seems like fluff. So, a possible corrected version (with some stylistic changes) could read like this:
It had wooden supports running up the walls, a rare luxury in homes, and a tiled floor in a chequered pattern of browns.
In this sentence: “The method of practice today were duels, a way of practising combat against another person” the verb usage is wrong. The word “were” should be “was” because “method” is singular. In the next sentence there's another incorrect comma usage.
They had already drawn up who was facing who; Ensho would be fighting against one of the newest members, a kid named Keiten.
The comma should be a colon. The next sentence has some faults:
Ensho didn't feel that it was a good idea considering the age gap, Keiten being sixteen, and as such the experience gap was also quite considerable.
The syntax and word choice aren't wrong but they are a bit of a mouthful to read. Consider rewording. Also, there is another case of faulty parallelism. You say the experience gap is “also quite considerable” which means you should have also said the age gap was “considerable”. Either explain that the age gap is considerable in more direct words or remove the use of “also” to correct this.
In this next sentence there are some errors:
These swords were wooden and as such posed a lot less of a threat to Keiten, something that you could see in his eyes, he was relieved about.
There is a comma splice due to the first comma. Also, the wording overall for the sentence is difficult. The first comma should be a full stop. The second comma isn't necessary. You could put commas around “as such” as well.
You're actually missing some commas in this sentence:
Running forward he swung his sword straight down on Ensho who with a flick of his wrists knocked it to the side.
Corrected it would look like this:
Running forward, he swung his sword straight down on Ensho who, with a flick of his wrists, knocked it to the side.
Also, in this sentence you say “wrists” but Ensho is only holding his sword in one hand. I assume this was an overlooked typo.
There is another comma splice here:
Ensho was impressed by at least the willingness of this kid, he remembered that a lot of others had run away at this point but Keiten stood there unmoving.
The comma should be a full stop. They are two complete, independent sentences.
In this sentence: “This way his swing, something that already wasn't full force, would be weakened by it being done by his weaker arm” you use a form of “weak” twice in quick succession. Consider rewording. You could use “non-dominant arm” instead of “weaker arm”, for example.
There is a comma splice here:
Ensho turned to look at him with a shocked look on his face, he smiled slightly.
Replace the comma with a full stop to correct.
This sentence: “ The two swung at the same time and hit each other” implies they hit their opponents. This doesn't seem to be the case because you describe how the swords hit each other. Reword for clarity. Also, I'm a little surprised at how easily the sword breaks. Are they in such a state of disrepair that they would break easily? If this is the case it is a contradiction to how well-maintained the building is. One would assume those in charge would keep their equipment in equal condition. If it's not in an advanced worn out state then how was Ensho able to break it so easily with his weaker arm? Did he attack at full force this time? How strong is he? If this is the case and it will be addressed later (how strong Ensho is) then you can ignore this. But it is something that reader will likely notice.
In this sentence: “Ensho smiled slightly, a surprise I can assure you and put his hand on Keiten's shoulder” you are missing a comma after “assure you”.
There is another example of syntax error in this sentence: “There was a park in Kono, a place that many didn't go to anymore”. It's implying that Kono is a place people don't go to. Consider moving the phrase “a place that many didn't go to anymore” to immediately after “a park”.
There are some corrections to be made in this sentence:
It was on a bench, that sat as an overcrop in the town and allowed someone to see the entire place, where Ensho was sat.
Firstly, is the bench an overcrop? Is there no ground around it? Reword this if necessary. Also the use of “was sat” is another instance of passive voice. It makes it seem like someone sat Ensho there. Remove the “was” to correct this. The syntax overall for the sentence is a little awkward. Consider rewording the entire thing to be more succinct and clear.
The next sentence needs some work as well. It is confusing and a little verbose:
It was an incredible view, especially in the latter part of the day, going on towards noon, as it was doing now.
Firstly, there are a lot of commas. The first comma is okay. The second and third ones are unnecessary. But the confusion comes from the phrases “latter part of the day” and “going on towards noon”. The latter part of the day is after noon but you're describing it as being before noon. It can't be both. Based off the time needed to walk around town, visit the shop, and attend training I can assume it's later in the day. Especially because you begin to describe the sunset in the next few sentences. Remove the mention of noon and just say it's the latter part of the day.
This sentence: “ The steadily lowering star in the sky, meeting with the golden horizon of sand” is incomplete. Replace the comma with “was” to correct. Or, you can reword it. The next sentence is wrong as well:
A beautiful glowing crimson sky, almost like a blazing fire that burned the air, shone with the dying light of the day, slowly became a dirty gold colour.
The last comma is wrong. Replace with the word “and” to correct. Alternatively you could remove the comma and replace “shone” with “shining”. That might be be a bit word-y and perhaps confusing, however. You could also replace the comma with a full stop and add the word “it” to start the sentence. Here's an example of a rewrite (with stylistic changes):
A beautifully glowing crimson sky, like a blazing fire, shone with the dying light of the day and slowly became a dirty gold colour.
There are some major problems a few sentences down. It is a run-on and comma splice:
Ensho loved this sight, the fiery red sky that slowly transitioned into a golden blanket before it became pitch black, the only light being that which was reflected off the twin moons, Kaiya and Chaiya, that orbited the planet, it was so peaceful and serene.
The first comma should be a colon. The second comma should be a full stop. The last comma should be a full stop. In addition, the phrase “that orbited the planet” is unnecessary. It's assumed that the moons are orbiting the planet because that's what moons do. Also, “the only light” was from the moons? What about the starlight and light from the Milky Way you describe later on? This is a contradiction that needs to be corrected. Either put that the stars and moons are the only light or don't use the phrase “only light” to describe the moonlight. You really should start a new paragraph after this sentence. The subject changes from the park and its view to the moons.
There is another comma splice here:
The interesting thing about the moons was the origins of their names, they were named after two beings who were believed responsible for all things on Chasha
Replace the comma with a full stop.
In the next paragraph you write “worm-like creature” and “four-legged creatures” but this is weak. The narrator should know the names of these animals. It would be much stronger to name them then describe their appearance a little. Otherwise the credibility of the narrator is weakened. It goes against what's been established about the narrator already. If you want to suggest that the narrator doesn't know what the creatures are called then that, too, goes against what's been established about the narrator and their authority to tell this story.
There is another example of a comma splice here:
He jumped slightly when the man got up, embarrassed by his lack of awareness, he tried to hide this by acting like he was just moving in his seat.
The second comma should be a full stop. Alternatively, you could replace the first comma with a full stop and replace “this” with “it”. There is another comma splice in the next sentence. Replace with a full stop or reword.
There is another example of passive voice in this sentence:
It was at this point that Ensho realised that he had seen the man earlier; he was the man wearing the rice hat that had been stood in the back of the corner shop.
The “had been stood” is the culprit. It implies someone stood him there. Removing the “been” or say “had been standing” to correct.
In this sentence “His face was slightly scared and showed an aged look despite how visibly young he looked otherwise” you use a form of “look” twice in close proximity. Consider rewording. You could replace one of them with “appearance” and it would be better.
Another example of comma splice here:
This lack of light pollution meant that there was an incredible sight in the sky, full of tiny diamonds that sparkled brightly and a spread of light that cut across the sky, this was the Milky Way, a sight that was never going to be seen by many humans on Earth.
I'll show you an example of a possible rewrite with some stylistic changes as well as possible options for correcting the errors:
This lack of light pollution meant there was an incredible sight in the sky full of tiny diamonds that sparkled: a spread of light that cut across the sky. This was the Milky Way, a sight many on Earth would never see.
Another comma splice here:
Both Ensho and the man were looking up at this sight, they continued to do this for nearly ten minutes, neither one taking notice of the other.
The first comma should be a
| Knucklehugs chapter 1 . 4/4/2018
Okay. My honest opinion is that this is an interesting story idea but the execution needs work. Let's start with the first paragraph. This sentence:
In fact, this mysterious thing is right where you are, right now, where you are sat reading this story.
The “sat” here is in the wrong tense. It would make more sense to use “sitting” so that it's parallel to the tense already in use. Mixing tenses is bad because it can be very confusing. The very next sentence also needs attention:
For in the space and time that your planet Earth exists, there are two other planets, existing, just slightly, in different realities, just enough so that the three planets don't interact but still remain connected in some way.
For starters it's a bit of a run-on sentence. There's some unnecessary commas and the syntax is very confusing. A possible solution would be to re-work it. Perhaps something like this:
For in the space and time that your planet Earth exists there are two other planets, existing in slightly different realities; just enough so the three planets don't interact but remain connected.
In the next sentence there is a bit of a repetition:
Well, that is how it was but no longer is that the way, as you all know.
Saying “no longer is that the way” after saying “that is how is was” basically repeats itself. This could be okay in separate paragraphs on sentences but in the same sentence makes it a bit pointless. You should avoid over-complicating things. A solution would be to simply omit the “but no longer is that the way” or replace with something simple like “but no longer”.
A couple sentences later you have a bit of a run-on sentence due to a misplaced comma. Try using a full stop instead. So:
However, the story of how these three became one is not well known, in fact, very few know about it and that is why I am writing this record of events for you all now.
However, the story of how these three became one is not well known. In fact, very few know about it and that is why I am writing this record of events for you all now.
You have another case of unnecessary repetition in the next paragraph. This sentence:
Just a few decades ago, scientists on Earth would've considered this planet uninhabitable, that no life could ever exist here.
It is unnecessary to say “that no life could ever exist here” because you already called the planet uninhabitable. A solution would be to remove one or the other. Having just one statement is enough information.
In the next couple of sentences you use the word “yet” twice in close proximity. Consider replacing one of them with the word “nevertheless”. In fact, in the next few sentences after that you use “advantage” in close proximity. A possible solution would be to replace the first “take advantage” with the word “utilise”. The sentence with the second “advantage” is another run-on and confusing sentence.
First starters the first part “The advantage this gives them is that they have oxygen naturally forming in their bodies” makes it seem like they have oxygen forming because of the high levels of hydrogen. Next, there are too many commas where full stops would be better. A possible solution to improve this whole sentence might look like this:
Because oxygen naturally forms in their bodies, they are able to form water when they breath in hydrogen from the atmosphere.
However, this is a contradiction to the statement “On this planet there existed many forms of life and yet none of them relied on directly on water” because if they need to form water in their bodies then they are dependent on that water. Just because they're not using pre-existing water doesn't mean they don't need it. Finally, combining hydrogen and oxygen atoms to create water would require a lot of energy and produce a lot of heat. How is this possible inside the bodies of Chashians?
The next sentence also needs attention:
This is how all species on Chasha have come to be and have survived for over two millennia.
They've completely evolved to all current lifeforms already? Life on Earth has been going for at least 3.5 billion years and has undergone tremendous changes. Perhaps on Chasha evolution was greatly accelerated or something. If so, you need to explain it a bit. Even then, life only started two millennia ago? How old is Chasha?
This sentence: “This difference is not the only one” would fit better at the end of that paragraph rather than as the beginning of the next, I think. That's more a stylistic note, though.
There's a lot going on in the next couple of sentences. “Physically, Chashians reach maturity after a much longer time than humans, roughly around 25 Earth years, however, they look very similar to humans excluding their pointed ears, similar to those of elves” is a run-on sentence. A full stop instead of a comma after “years” and before “however” would fix this problem. In addition, “excluding their pointed ears, similar to those of elves” is a bit awkward to read. Consider re-word or removing “similar to those of elves” to improve the sentence. The next sentence “ This similarity to elves in human mythology and stories is thought to be the possible origin of such creatures in tales, that maybe humans knew about the Chashians long before the merging and simply incorporated them into their stories” is another run-on (due to comma usage) and also repeats itself somewhat. A possible way to strengthen these couple of sentences would be something like this:
Physically, Chashians reach maturity after roughly around 25 Earth years. However, they look very similar to humans, except their pointed ears. This similarity to elves in human mythology and stories is thought to be the possible origin of such creatures. Maybe humans knew about the Chashians long before the merging and simply incorporated them into their stories.
Also, what kind of elf are you talking about? The traditional elf is different from the modern fantasy elf. Perhaps explain which you mean (I think from the context you mean the modern idea). Lastly, is there only one species on Chasha? Or do all Chashians, regardless of species, reach maturity at 25 years and look like elves?
There is another thing in the next couple sentences:
Chashians don't really judge time by minutes or seconds, just by how high their star is in the sky, a period which is only slightly longer than Earth's day.
On Earth, minutes and seconds are derived from hours. Hours were derived from the position of the sun in the sky. So it's literally the same on Earth as you've described for Chasha. You could say they don't have minutes or seconds and only use hours but trying to say it's completely different in this way doesn't make much sense.
In this sentence: “As for their years (which they call cycles), they are five hundred and forty-seven days long compared to Earth's three hundred and sixty-five” you have it a bit backward. Typically any number below 100 is spelled out and any number higher is written with the numerals. Whilst this isn't a rule, it does make reading these numbers a bit easier.
The next sentence is yet another run-on due to comma usage:
Their concepts of time though, were of no concern to the Chashians for they weren't exactly the most scientifically inclined species, they had little in terms of scientific experimentation, any that were done were kept entirely secret.
A possible solution would be a full stop after “species”. Also, the comma after “experimentation” should be the word “and”. The next sentence is a run-on as well:
They never even took interest in the stars or other planets, there were some who observed these things but no one actually decided to start studying them.
The comma is the culprit here. Replace is with a full stop to correct it. Once again, the next sentence is a run-on due to comma usage.
Many others felt it was a pity that the Chashians never took an interest in those tiny, sparkling diamonds in the sky that were the stars, taking everything into account, the Chashians were arguably pretty well suited for space travel.
The comma after “stars” is the problem here. There's a few ways you could improve this sentence. Here's an example of one:
Many felt it was a pity that the Chashians never took an interest in those tiny, sparkling diamonds in the sky because, taking everything into account, the Chashians were, arguably, pretty well suited for space travel.
I feel like it could use some exposition too. Why are the Chashians well suited for space travel? This could be a point of interest for readers.
In this sentence “But that isn't to say that their lack of interest in science held them back, in fact, it helped them in many ways” the first comma shouldn't be there. It could be a full stop or a semicolon but a comma makes it a run-on sentence. The word “human” in the next sentence doesn't need to be capitalised.
A few sentences down could be improved as well:
In terms of war, well, there was a couple in the early centuries but within the last millennia, there had been nothing bigger than a large fight consisting of about a hundred people either side.
What exactly do you mean by “in the early centuries”? The early centuries of life on Chasha? The early centuries after the rise of the Chashians you've been talking about? Also, replace the “was” with the word “were” to be correct. The comma is unnecessary. Lastly, you forgot a word at the end. It should read “a hundred people on either side”.
Two sentences later you have another case of a run-on due to comma usage:
The society they lived in, raised children to grow into jobs pre-chosen for them, many ended up stuck in jobs that they didn't want, like or deserve.
The first comma is unnecessary and the second comma should be a full stop. Or you could use a semicolon. But a comma is incorrect. The next sentence also has problems:
This resulted, in what many onlookers would consider, as a very unhappy life, a life that would span nearly a century on average.
There is more improper use of commas here. The first two are unnecessary. So is the word “as”. You could just say “This resulted in what many onlookers would consider a very unhappy life”. The third comma causes a run-on. Replace with a semicolon. Lastly, a century on Earth or a century on Chasha?
There is a mistake in “Everyone else lived their lives inside the walls that surrounded every settlement and also died there, most never even see the outside world” with the word “see”. It should be “seeing”.
Finally, this sentence “It is in one of these settlements that our story begins” would be the perfect end for the prologue. I've taken a peek at the next chapter and you basically repeat there the rest of what's written here. Consider merging the last few paragraphs of the prologue with the beginning of the first chapter.
Now that all of that is out of the way I can address the story as a whole. To begin with, I love the first sentence! I also love the idea of simultaneous planets. I think with some more description or explanation about Chasha and the Chashians you could have a really great concept going. I was also pleasantly surprised to read "as you well know" because of the implications. I think it's a great idea to present this story as factual history. The narrator is speaking directly to the reader. Anyway, I'll definitely be reading more later and reviewing as I go. Cheers.