|Reviews for The Seichi Chronicles|
| Vagrance chapter 1 . 11/5/2017
I know you requested for a full review, but for now, I'll focus on the first one.
Opening: this felt cluttered. For example, "the handful of people...". I didn't think handful was necessary. Please consider also breaking your sentences into shorter sentences, so meaning is not lost. Finally, I think another reviewer has mentioned this but do show, not tell. Telling the reader that Thebe had plenty extra to ship out is fine, but it may be more interesting to actually tell us about what they export.
Dialogue: the exchanges between Britan and the bullies was flat. The thugs especially, were cliche and repetitive. Dialogue is a great chance to show character. For example, Britan vows to "take care" of the bullies if they return. How would he do that? Take care is too generic to give the reader an understanding of who he is. Britan's conversation with Krystal, however, felt a lot more believable because it was natural and gave insight into their relationship.
Plot: the introduction of the Asager Shell is interesting. The way the Mayor responded to Britan's question conveyed great urgency and danger. This is a good hook, but I felt you took too long to get here. The entire scene with the bullies, whilst not necessary, I felt could be condensed significantly.
Character: Britan feels like a brave young boy who has trouble speaking to girls. However, this introduction hasn't given me too much about him. On the other hand, Mayor Tristan and his clerk Krystal were a lot more lively and were more genuine than the lead. I think spending some time trying fleshing out Britan's personality could help the story in the long run.
| CheddarBrat789 chapter 7 . 8/28/2017
I'm really enjoying this story so far. The plot, even if it is a little cliché at this point, is really well-written, and I love the characters. Lafayette comes off as your typical firm but not harsh boss, and I especially enjoyed the dynamic between Cal and Britan (who are also pretty likable as characters). Cal's backstory also sounds pretty tragic but cool at the same time.
As for complaints, I've got nothing honestly. Nice work overall!
| SForces chapter 1 . 8/23/2017
Good start so far here. There is a lot of telling instead of showing here.
Not sure what time period this is. You mention cops so it makes me think modern age? You mention the mayor has a globe of the planet on his desk. You don't describe it though, are we expected to believe this is Earth? However you make reference to the world of Seichi. If that is a different planet from Earth then describing some of the globe is important, even a minute detail.
The fight scene was alright. Could have been better. You said "The next several minutes were a violent flurry of punches of kicks." You could be more descriptive here. Maybe even describe pain as he is standing there taking it, spit flying through the air. Maybe blood from a cut etc.
You then said "His body was a lot sorer than he'd wanted it to be." - Telling us instead of showing us.
"His delivery letter was urgent." Why was it urgent, why should the reader care.
Dirt path - sandals. Made me think of a small tribal village, do those have uniformed police officers? Or is Guards a more appropriate term.
Girls always turned into a bumbling mess - Show an interaction with a girl instead, it would be more impactful then just telling us this instead of letting us, the reader, draw our own conclusion.
You mentioned his father got healed. If this is a fantasy story, how did he get healed? A cure spell? Modern medicine? Tribal remedies? Good spot to help build the world and make this story more immersive.
Good story so far, lots of potential.
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/27/2017
Youre a really talented author, I remember talking to you once and you said you were writing a story, I'm glad I got to read some of your work!
| shika-paprika chapter 1 . 7/29/2017
Pretty good start, you have an interesting plot for this story. Not exactly original, though, since it's about a young boy looking to become a hero. Compared to the other stories I've read, I'm glad you're using character tags, but you should use different tags to describe the characters other than their hair color. That's an issue I have with my own writing. You're very descriptive with your narration and the "files" near the end were a nice touch. Shows you took enough care to build the setting and world for the story. As for the main character, Britan, he seems fairly likable, which isn't very surprising considering the hero has to be likable in these type of stories. Hopefully, there's more to his character than being kind and helpful. Did being homeschooled affect his mental development? Overall, great work.