Reviews for Fragments |
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![]() ![]() ![]() Interesting read here, You wrote the role of Cinelli quite well. I am assuming she had gotten into some beer, noting the bitter and acquired taste. This also gave the impression that she had lived quite the sheltered life. Be careful with how far you push the Drunk happy/unhappy mark. That's a fine line and usually depends on and around the level of blood alcohol a person would have in their blood stream. The only thing I found hard to follow what the though of someone breaking into the house but then Carrying Cinelli home and forgetting the issues he original thought. But that said this was only a little thing and I enjoyed the read. For the second scene I would suggest really looking into PTA. Whilst the idea works its usually a short period of time where a memory isnt encoded by the brain properly that is forgotten. As you wrote, the effects of a concussion. Have a friend who suffered from it after hitting a tree. He lost about 2 weeks until his brain healed enough and that was considered very severe. Still that said, the presentation is really good and if someone read this wasn't in the know then this would achieve the desired outcome. Hope this was of some help, an interesting setup you have. :) |
![]() ![]() ![]() I think the back and forth switching is fine! Easy to understand, but I think you may have missed a transition break (after arcades were first mentioned) |
![]() ![]() ![]() I think the plot is starting to get its momentum - at least thats what I feel anyways. An air of mystery is raised, new character dynamics are introduced and Jaylen is still struggling to make sense of his past self. I liked the interactions between the various characters. They felt like proper exchanges between people and I felt that they revealed more about each respective character's personalities. Well done. |
![]() ![]() ![]() The tense issues I pointed out in the first two chapters seem to have been ironed out for the most part, so kudos on that. I also like the dynamics between Jaylen and the friends he had during his memories, especially during the more heartfelt moments. I also really enjoyed the insightful dialogue in these past two chapters. Nice work once again. I honestly don't really have any complaints here. |
![]() ![]() ![]() This story is very intriguing. I’m amazed at how you can make such a horrible thing as amnesia seem so relatable. It feels as though I can understand what Jaylen is going through and makes me sympathize with him. Also, you write Cinelli very well. I was engaged in the interaction between her and Jaylen. You should keep going with this story. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Here for the review game! So first of all - enjoyment. I can honestly say I’m truly enjoying this story. This is the kind of story I can legit see being a successful YA when you finish it, if you are considering publication - drama, wit, friendship, and exploring life in an authentic teenager perspective. Characters - Erin and Cinelli kind of blend together, personality-wise. Seems Cinelli has emotional problems and maybe Erin doesn’t but besides that they seem similar. But maybe it’s just because we haven’t seen enough of Erin yet? Jaylen seems like kind of an Everyman but maybe a bit more introverted than average. I also thinks there’s more to him to be revealed. Josh seems cool, we can tell he was good friends with Jay because he still remembers and is interested in him. Peter is funny. Dialogue - Everyone’s speech is very similar. They all have kind of this witty, intelligent, but casual speech style. I get that they’re all smart kids but maybe try to add some subtle tics in there to distinguish them. Maybe tone down the “writer-ish” style in characters that aren’t Erin (or Jaylen maybe.) Plot - Well so far this is more of a character exploration with plot taking a back seat to finding out who Jay is and what happened. But it works very well for what you’re truing to do so I don’t see that as a problem. Presenting the plot in fragments works with your theme and genre and Is entertaining. I’m looking forward to more. |
![]() ![]() Hello! Here for the review game! Thanks for your kind words on my story as well. First of all, enjoyment! I really enjoyed this chapter. It was very easy to read. Your writing voice is pleasant and immediately gives me the feeling that I’m talking to an interesting person. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense, I’m not really able to put into words what makes something readable. Second, writing. Besides being fun to read I think you used the appropriate level for this age group. Sophisticated and not complicated or wordy. If I could make one suggestion, it would be to shorten the sentences and use less uncommon words during quicker-paced scenes like the part where Jaylen thinks someone is breaking in. Third, characters/relationships. So far, not much stands out about the characters in and of themselves. Cinelli seems to have some mental health issues; Jaylen seems like a nice and smart person but I don’t know much else about him so far. What really draws me in is their relationship. Apparently they’ve always been friends and know each other well and Jaylen has been someone Cinelli can lean on. Apparently there’s also a friend named Erin and it’s hard to tell what their actual relationship is - Cinelli insults her in one second and then calls her a good friend the next. I like complicated friendships so I’m interested in seeing what their is to all of that. If I could make one suggestion on this it would be to show and not tell some of the stuff between Jaylen and Cinelli. When you know someone well you don’t usually think of their cultural background when you see them so you could erase the stuff about her being European and replace it with “It’s just Cinelli.” Instead of outright saying “I’ll always be around to help you with your episodes” Jaylen could just answer “yeah, it’ll always be like this” and let the reader infer what he means. Plot - So far this seems to be about character more than plot but I think the plot itself will be interesting soon. You’ve left me with enough unanswered questions. Nice story so far! |
![]() ![]() ganda :((((((( willing to wait for the next chapter no matter how long as long as It's This Good . cheers ! |
![]() ![]() ![]() Hello! Here for the review game! Thanks for your kind words on my story as well. First of all, enjoyment! I really enjoyed this chapter. It was very easy to read. Your writing voice is pleasant and immediately gives me the feeling that I’m talking to an interesting person. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense, I’m not really able to put into words what makes something readable. Second, writing. Besides being fun to read I think you used the appropriate level for this age group. Sophisticated and not complicated or wordy. If I could make one suggestion, it would be to shorten the sentences and use less uncommon words during quicker-paced scenes like the part where Jaylen thinks someone is breaking in. Third, characters/relationships. So far, not much stands out about the characters in and of themselves. Cinelli seems to have some mental health issues; Jaylen seems like a nice and smart person but I don’t know much else about him so far. What really draws me in is their relationship. Apparently they’ve always been friends and know each other well and Jaylen has been someone Cinelli can lean on. Apparently there’s also a friend named Erin and it’s hard to tell what their actual relationship is - Cinelli insults her in one second and then calls her a good friend the next. I like complicated friendships so I’m interested in seeing what their is to all of that. If I could make one suggestion on this it would be to show and not tell some of the stuff between Jaylen and Cinelli. When you know someone well you don’t usually think of their cultural background when you see them so you could erase the stuff about her being European and replace it with “It’s just Cinelli.” Instead of outright saying “I’ll always be around to help you with your episodes” Jaylen could just answer “yeah, it’ll always be like this” and let the reader infer what he means. Plot - So far this seems to be about character more than plot but I think the plot itself will be interesting soon. You’ve left me with enough unanswered questions. Nice story so far! |
![]() ![]() ![]() I like the style with which you tell the story. I definitely think there's more going on than just a car accident and I'm hoping to see unpredictable sides to all the characters introduced thus far. I think there's something "not right" about Erin and I'm wondering what happened "that night". I like coherent Cinelli a lot more than drunk Cinelli, though. I'm not sure - I feel like it's too much of a "teenage" thing to make such a big deal out of a "I like you", whether it was true or not. I like that little touch when Jaylen didn't recognize his mother's name, though. Made me really feel the impact of his amnesia. I also like the end, where Jaylen doesn't recognize himself in the mirror. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Interesting premise. I think you're doing a good job with the build-up and everything here. I'm curious about what happened to cause the Post-traumatic amnesia (I'm hoping it's something super interesting) and I'm excited to see where the story goes. Not sure how I feel about the characters. Jaylen seems to be a typical dude, though his amnesia makes him an interesting character, Cinelli sounds a little… annoying, but she was drunk, so that's forgiveable. Erin's the one I'm curious about. I hope she's evil and everything, haha. Writing-wise, the prose is sort of just straight-forward and "here's everything"? Not complaining or anything, that's just how it reads to me :P |
![]() ![]() Nice story |
![]() ![]() ![]() Pretty good chapter overall. I like the interactions between Jaylen and his various acquaintances, especially in the dialogue department. The improvised act of horror also brought a chuckle out of me, and the concept of Jaylen not even being able to recognize himself is also pretty cool. Aside from the tense issue I brought up before, I don't really have any complaints. Nice work! |
![]() ![]() ![]() The interactions between the various characters was good. The dialogue didn't feel forced and was handled nicely - I enjoyed reading it. I like you portrayed Jaylen. He fits the bill of a person with memory loss. Littles notes like him not really knowing what therapy is and not being aware of his broken leg sell him as an ammesiatic character. If I revisit this story for future chapters, I'll be looking out for more stuff like this. All in all, a good story with decent writing. I especially liked the short introduction you had at the start. That was well done. |