|Reviews for Six Minutes Eighteen Seconds|
| Shailaputri chapter 1 . 8/13/2020
| I. C. Kyeropas chapter 1 . 12/25/2017
Because you mention that you want this to be in a literary magazine, I'm going to be fairly critical. I really did like this story, but it's not the best it could be. If you don't like harshness, just know that I found your writing enjoyable and skip the rest.
First, this story is clearly designed to be innocent, but when you open with holding hands on sheets, you might not be attracting the audience you want.
Second, you have two types of cliche prominent in your story: thematic cliche and phrase cliche (those probably aren't technical terms). The overview of the story is a guy and a girl wake up together and one makes breakfast for the other. This is a typical plot. You do break away from the typical in that the partners are artists and have particular personalities, but you do need to be intentional about not stealing too many ideas. There were also a few cliche phrases. You describe a bed as relaxed and warm. "Silently slipping," "twitchy nerves," "final product," "expressed love," "confused as to his motivations," "lacked the energy for any socializing," "thinly-veiled compliment," "going crazy for her." Stuff about heartbeats.
Third, show don't tell. If you've ever had a half decent creative writing instructor, you've heard that one before. This is particularly bad at the end of 2:04. I want more visuals. I want to be able to see the space where the live, their body language, their movements.
Fourth, your diction and syntax are a bit staccato. The length of your words and symmetry of your sentences impacts the flow of your piece. This doesn't flow like a romance. It flows like the final seconds before somebody dies. Try words with more syllables and syntax that makes for long, flowing sentences.
Fifth, it took me a long time to realize what was going on with the ring and the time. I assume that's how long it took for her to realize that he slipped a ring on her hand in her sleep? I read the two paragraphs before the title time probably five times before I figured it out. Do you think a reader for a literary magazine will spend that much time with your story? They get a lot of submissions. This is a critical piece in this story, so you need to write it and re-write it until it is absolutely perfect and easily comprehensible.
Sixth, the thing that makes this story unique is that the guy is an extrovert and very expressive whereas the girl is an introvert and expressive in subtle ways, and that they are both artists. Expand on this idea.
Seventh, consider doing away with the time keeping. Especially since it takes longer than 1:49 to make waffles. Even if they're microwaved, you wouldn't have time to fix up a nice looking plate.
| jadesays chapter 1 . 10/7/2017
I love it! The revelation at the end melt my heart. I can feel his nervousness. It's so sweet! :)
| BradytheJust chapter 1 . 10/4/2017
I really needed the fluffiness today... and holy heck you delivered! :D
This story was perfect and you did a good job at showing both Aiden and Brooke's personality quirks. This really is the type of relationship I want to have, and everything about this story was amazing. I even liked the time stamps, and they kept my heart racing.
Great job Roses, and thank you for sharing this story! Now go put it in a magazine! :D
| Guest chapter 1 . 10/4/2017
Awww that was super sweet! I'd also like to be engaged in a low-key kind of way.
The atmosphere was well-established. The reveal of the engagement was skillfully done. Good work, keep it up :)