|Reviews for One Mocha Latte, Please|
| I. C. Kyeropas chapter 1 . 12/23/2017
Thank you for writing this, it was quite entertaining. Even for a short story, the girl has a good deal of characterization.
There were a couple writing conventions you missed, though. I mean, breaking the rules is fine if you have a good reason, but I think there were three things that I think would increase the readability of this story if you adjusted them.
First the way you used quotation marks. You aren't supposed to put a space between the first quotation mark and the first word. It's a small thing, but that space threw me of and pulled me out of the story. The other thing with character quotes is that, between different speaking parts, you need to start a new paragraph. You can have one character speak and get interrupted by regular text and then continue speaking all in one paragraph. But one paragraph cannot contain speaking from more than one character, unless they are speaking the same words simultaneously. Does that make sense? If not, just google "proper quotation punctuation." Because your grammar was off, it was sometimes difficult for me to pay attention to who said what.
The second issue is with realism. If you are writing realistic fiction, you don't want your readers to be thinking "that would never happen in real life." It's fine in sci-fi or fantasy, but maybe not in this case. For example, how can he tell that the contacts are color-changing contacts? Second of all, if she is truly attracted to the guy, she is probably not going to be staring into space as he looks at her true eye color. You can certainly offer an explanation for the contact thing - maybe it was have on her eye and half off? But maybe the spacing out is overly unrealistic.
The third issue is with the main character's name. You mention it only once. Sometimes there is good reason for keeping a character's name a secret, but I think this particular story would read a little more smoothly if you used her name a bit more often, instead of "she" and "the woman."
I hope that helps. Thank you so much for using your free time to write!