Reviews for I Just Wanna Be Yours
LorrahBear chapter 1 . 12/15/2017
This is an interesting start. Is there a reason you switched to italics for some of the spoken words in the later half of this chapter? I understand you're using lyrics in the italicized sections primarily, however, it looks like some of the "normal" spoken word got italicized too. Or maybe we're really spending that much time in your character's head as he internally converses with himself? If that's the case, I suggest finding a way to differentiate the lyrics vs the internal speech, as there's enough of both that they're blurring together.

Also, watch out for having more than one speaker in a single paragraph. Splitting them so you have one actor/speaker per paragraph will really help the clarity.

I look forward to meeting Deja and seeing her for myself. I've had her described through the narrator, but I'm interested to see if her behavior one-on-one is a match to his thought process...but he better get rid of the picture in his locker!
KD Rye chapter 1 . 11/7/2017
I think that there's a lot here that could be expanded upon to make a more compelling story. Not that this story wasn't entertaining, but you have enough characters to form more of a plot was just my initial thought after reading. The dialogue is also a bit confusing because of the way it is structured. Each new person talking should be a new paragraph. The bickering and rest of the dialogue was comical though and showed off your characters nicely. Some more descriptions about them would be beneficial though as you refer to them as "Swedish girl" and the "Asian Man" which implies to the reader to rely on stereotypes. I hope you keep writing!
ShortFandomGirl chapter 1 . 11/7/2017
Hi, ShortFandomGirl here. I really liked this story and how you wrote it. Good job lad/lass (I dont know your gender sorry). One or two characters reminded me of Tom and Tord from Eddsworld.